tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19349199507129658062024-02-26T12:35:29.977-05:00POUND EXCLAIM # !The lifestyle blog that everyone is screaming about#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-63874098016030392742022-04-30T15:14:00.001-04:002022-04-30T15:14:06.844-04:00Dear Diary<p> I am no longer passionate about blogging.<br /></p>#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-55463684877147372642018-04-05T19:49:00.002-04:002018-04-05T19:51:29.324-04:00Doritos Blaze Flavored Corn Chips Review<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3cMQQfuAX7emVcQbLZEaxz8HbzNv30c3Mk0yrTpg2TVtgheUXuWFksz6mdl6yuVqvpw_bUlPly9DAmH1Af-5SSMvhiNvjWbvd_0MjEHsTLEGJGT5MTI8t14v2Sc9JhNGlL9G_k5R4qLOw/s1600/doritos-blaze-header.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="668" data-original-width="1000" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3cMQQfuAX7emVcQbLZEaxz8HbzNv30c3Mk0yrTpg2TVtgheUXuWFksz6mdl6yuVqvpw_bUlPly9DAmH1Af-5SSMvhiNvjWbvd_0MjEHsTLEGJGT5MTI8t14v2Sc9JhNGlL9G_k5R4qLOw/s400/doritos-blaze-header.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
We are quickly approaching the date 4/20 (blaze it) so I thought it would be the perfect time to review Doritos Blaze. It's a flavor of corn chip created by the Frito Lay Corporation. You're perhaps familiar with the standard Doritos flavors: "Nacho Cheese" (the default/original flavor) and "Cool Ranch" (also known as "Cool American" in non-American countries). Blaze is relatively new and somewhat scarce in many chips aisles--two reasons why I had to try it.<br />
<br />
The truth is, though, I've been working on the same bag of Doritos Blaze corn chips since the US American Football Super Bowl Tournament. At this point that's about two months of Blaze. And it hasn't taken me so long to eat these chips because I'm a bit of a health nut. Because I've totally crushed entire bags of other styles and flavors of chips and snacks in the interim. I've been savoring these DBlazes for so long because (review preview: I don't like them).<br />
<br />
I don't want to finish the bag even though it's primarily crumbs at this point. And I don't want to waste food. Can I mail a mostly eaten bag of chips to starving children someplace? Will local ducks eat DBlaze?<br />
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<h4>
<u>The Bag</u></h4>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvmnSvIDjKqzI5lb5wY_ZInNYDeeKpY4Yezy_GoBkqn96XQbzG8fQCuY6MUy7O74ieKfqxXPUdsLJzV7SWMREtTEOj1D10egt9WbDTKwX-BxLRdw53vVO_DYup_jPGDKQp7VnebQXSidd/s1600/doritos-blaze.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="463" data-original-width="330" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXvmnSvIDjKqzI5lb5wY_ZInNYDeeKpY4Yezy_GoBkqn96XQbzG8fQCuY6MUy7O74ieKfqxXPUdsLJzV7SWMREtTEOj1D10egt9WbDTKwX-BxLRdw53vVO_DYup_jPGDKQp7VnebQXSidd/s320/doritos-blaze.png" width="228" /></a></div>
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It's purple: I love it! Look, there's flames and smoke. U kno it's hottt fam. Is Doritos trying to capture the Hot Cheetos and Takis market? So based on packaging and the name I might assume these are hot chips. Have I done this before? This all feels very familiar like I have already reviewed DBlaze at some point in the past 2 months. Maybe it's just the same unpublished draft that I've been sculpting in my brain. I could check, but who has time for that. Besides: fresh content. FT makes the world go round and I am here to sling 'tent.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<u>The Chip</u></h4>
<br />
I don't have a picture. I took the crumb bag to work hoping that I could trick a co-worker into eating my leftovers or that I might get snackish enough during a brain storm to finish the bag (so far no good). They basically appear similar to standard NachoCheeseD's but are more red because of the red blaze powder.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<u>Fingers</u></h4>
<br />
These will ruin a shirt or pants or sofa arm if you wipe before licking or using a napkin or whatever. If you use a napkin to wipe your mouth after eating some you might think your lips are bleeding. These leave a very red stain.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<u>Taste</u></h4>
<br />
Doritos Blaze aren't good. Part of what makes Doritos so good is their iconic flavor profile. When they get adventurous with flavors it may as well be a dollar store chip. Though, the light texture and crunch are still signature Dorito, the flavor is just nothing special (or ingrained into my psyche from a lifetime of advertising). Hey speaking of crunch, whatever happened to Doritos for girls?<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>So how <b>hot</b> are they?</i> Not that hot, but also pretty hot. They are hot enough to provide a not-enjoyable eating experience. And it's not a good hot like I'm having a delicious spicy burrito or buffalo wings. They're hot in the way that doesn't provide dimension and just sneaks up on you after eating a bunch. The hotness doesn't add flavor. It's like they isolated the hot part of a pepper and turned it into a flavorless powder and then added fake pepper chemical powder flavor back into it and put it onto the chip. Eating hot foods should be fun. Eating Doritos Blaze corn chips is not fun. And, uh, you also, uh, regret it later, if uh, you know what I mean. Hint: digestive system.<br />
<br />
Who are these for? Middle&High school boys? Stoners? Bloggers who automatically buy new flavors of things just to review them? That's actually probably a demographic that companies target now. Hmm, interesting. I think these are for No One. It was an idea that had enough legs to leave the ideas room and hit the shelves. I certainly won't be purchasing another bag of Blaze. And if I wouldn't do it, who would?<br />
<br />
<h4>
<u>Conclusion</u></h4>
Do not recommend. Although, in retrospect, maybe if paired with an Ice Flavor Mountain Dew or whatever that Peter Dinklage / Morgan Freeman commercial was, these really come to life.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-87841503755375539522018-02-22T18:53:00.000-05:002018-02-22T18:53:05.391-05:00Questions About Teachers And GunsIt seems as though every time there is a school shooting (way too frequently!) one of the talking points bandied about is that of arming teachers. In theory (I think) this is intended as a preventative measure to discourage a student bringing a gun to school, as well as a solution to stopping whatever rampage that student might be planning. And while I think most people aren't fully serious about this as an actual way to solve the problem of gun violence, many people seem to enjoy at least entertaining the idea as a plausible course of action. (citation needed)<br />
<br />
And as I think about it, I just have some questions for the advocates of arming educators.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Is it all teachers, or just ones that want to participate in the program?</li>
<li>Is it up to the district or the state to decide who carries a weapon? </li>
<li>Will a teacher be forced to join the program against their will, or alternately transfer to another district or state if they don't want to be armed? Even the elderly teachers or those with poor vision?</li>
<li>What kind of vetting will the teachers get? Surely there are some employees in school systems who should not have a gun. Perhaps even those who want a gun the most ("teaches" study hall & coaches football)</li>
<li>Is the teacher expected to provide his/her own gun, or is it provided by the school?</li>
<li>Does that come out of the school's budget?</li>
<li>Will teachers be given a gun allowance to aid in the purchase of a firearm (teachers are under-paid!)?</li>
<li>What kind of gun? Are there restrictions?</li>
<li>What training will they receive? Who will pay for it? And renewal of permits?</li>
<li>Will they be expected to have the gun on their person at all times during the day, or will it be locked in their desk?</li>
<li>Does adding guns to a gun-free environment increase the risk of gun violence?</li>
<li>Students steal hall passes, what happens if they steal the teacher's gun?</li>
<li>Will the students know which teachers are armed and plan to avoid them or alternately target them?</li>
<li>Will this start an arms race where students upgrade to explosives or other means of causing harm?</li>
<li>Who will provide counseling to the teacher who has to decide whether or not to murder a child?</li>
<li>What kind of leave will be provided to a teacher who has to shoot a child? And will they be welcomed back to their normal position? Will they even want to return?</li>
<li>What if the teacher isn't Jason Bourne and accidentally shoots another student or faculty member?</li>
<li>What qualifies as a threat that demands a gun response? Can you shoot a kid with a knife? What about a kid spraying bleach in people's eyes with a squirt gun?</li>
<li>How can teachers be expected to respond appropriately when trained police officers often shoot innocent people or overreact to an intense situation?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
I don't intend this to be a full examination of a very serious issue because I know it's not. But giving teachers guns is such a ridiculous idea that I cannot fathom that anyone would actually believe this would solve anything.<br />
<br />
And it doesn't have to come down to taking <i>your</i> guns away, which is why I think many people are upset. Guns are a tool and they have a purpose. People rely on guns to procure food, or protect themselves from animals and humans alike. They can be fun to shoot. They can be a hobby. You can appreciate the craftsmanship and engineering of a gun. You can collect rare or interesting guns.<br />
<br />
There just has to be a different way. There has got to be something that we all as a combined nation, and also as individual humans, can do to avoid these types of situations and to get out of this mindset that trying to solve a problem like this is somehow impeding on our individual liberty. You aren't <i>free </i>anyways. Do you have a credit card? Do you have a job that you hate? Are you locked into a mortgage that you'll never pay off? Heck, can you even afford to get a mortgage in the first place? Where is your liberty? Where is your freedom? Guns were guaranteed in the Bill of Rights so that a populace could defend itself against a<i> tyrannical government</i>. And as Dr. Phil would say "So how's that workin' out for ya?"<br />
<br />
...I know...I took the bait and had an emotional response to a bait debate that was probably created by a Russian Troll Farm to further divide Americans. But come on people. We're all in this together. Stop shooting each other please.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-22042396463582492018-02-04T15:57:00.000-05:002018-02-04T15:57:34.071-05:00Last Minute Preview and Predictions for Super Bowl LII<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1YTVbT2zlDL0EN9vRYDgRf1oIwm83cCCmgESHlmI3UuT_Ey2c5qUieYmROf9ncHA5CDpkn1MQDrMm6hXj8gEnXoLMU6v5zOicB5QXp2pEPY6Vn0uxQJfY-K16FDCHK2JgX9Ukh60-uOnc/s1600/superbowl+lii.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="561" data-original-width="800" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1YTVbT2zlDL0EN9vRYDgRf1oIwm83cCCmgESHlmI3UuT_Ey2c5qUieYmROf9ncHA5CDpkn1MQDrMm6hXj8gEnXoLMU6v5zOicB5QXp2pEPY6Vn0uxQJfY-K16FDCHK2JgX9Ukh60-uOnc/s400/superbowl+lii.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
We are mere hours away from Super Bowl LII (52?) where the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles will battle it out on the gridiron for the Championship Title: "NFL Champions." Who will win? What are you eating? Where will you watch it? What are you wearing?<br />
<br />
I'm wearing jersey knit bottoms in charcoal by Fruit of the Loom with a soft all-cotton Hanes Beefy-T in Aquatic Blue featuring a screen print of Widespread Panic's 2008 Red Rocks tour design. And despite being red carpet ready, I'll be watching the match from home to avoid all of the cool dudes and dudettes who drive after drinking. Hey, buzzed driving <i>is </i>drunk driving, you guyz.<br />
<br />
Speaking of catching a buzz, no American Football game would be complete without a bevy of frosty ones waiting to be cracked. Like all red blooded blue collar Americans I like to have a fridge full of Bud Light at all times. If I were a king I would command my court wizard to magically transform all of my possessions into cases of Bud Light. Dilly dilly. What a great advertising campaign! I can't wait to see their Super Bowl commercials!<br />
<br />
And that's really the point of the Super Bowl, right? Viewing advertising! There are 32 teams in the NFL and only 2 of them are playing. Statistically, only 6.25% of football fans care about the outcome of this match. For everyone else it's about eating way too much food and drinking beer and hanging out with buddies. And displays of athleticism.<br />
<br />
I guess it's also about politics now though. Who will stand and who will sit during the National Anthem? What opinions will sportscasters have? We must divide our country at all costs so that they are fragile and more receptive to advertising.<br />
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You know, I woke up this morning with the regret that I spend so much time asleep where I can't yet receive targeted and relevant advertising.<br />
<br />
This Bud Light is really good. It's the perfect beer-style drink to wash down my Doritos flavored corn tortilla chips. I got the new flavor "BLAZE!" and am very eager to try eating them. I can tell by the package design that they will taste fun, and maybe a little bit hot because there are wafts of smoke illustrated above the enlarged to show texture chip on front of the bag. And the illustrated chip itself is surrounded in a fire-like glow. Potential Doritos Blaze review upcoming.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC2E1S6Z9mhlonumRcZmw6lTRLymRw7y8X7GKqPsTD8XdKwBSMgKkoOOcAT9g8FCUXE5mHPeD4jFlpPMkEiyHPRXrzAzP9ci9f3RZEBtIyHMaI1xYHf7dy1sLuN8IccQklftEFL3emardq/s1600/doritosblaze.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="450" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC2E1S6Z9mhlonumRcZmw6lTRLymRw7y8X7GKqPsTD8XdKwBSMgKkoOOcAT9g8FCUXE5mHPeD4jFlpPMkEiyHPRXrzAzP9ci9f3RZEBtIyHMaI1xYHf7dy1sLuN8IccQklftEFL3emardq/s320/doritosblaze.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Will these be hottt? How bad is tomorrow going to be for me?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
Let's talk some more about Bud Light. On the front of the can it proudly boasts that it is made with rice. Talk about trying to turn your liabilities into assets. It's still beer. It'll still get you turnt. It'll take "no" out of your vocabulary so that it is easier to commit sex crimes. And so but, like, you know, come on.<br />
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<br />
But wait, there's more food. 7 layer dip! Guacamole! A vegetable tray! Pizza! Cookies shaped like footballs! And the best sports food: wings! Watching football without chicken wings is like being a lumberjack that doesn't wear flannel.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Who Will Win?</h3>
The "Iggles" are the underdog who many people want to see win because they are tired of the Patriot's dynasty and Tom Brady's smug face. But the Patriots are so good for a reason. What are some factors going into today's matchup?<br />
<br />
Half of the Eagles have the flu. (Bird flu?)<br />
Gronkowski is out for the Pats (concussed)<br />
Brady has stitches in his hand<br />
I don't know. Do your own gambling research. Reading sports blogs is hard work and confusing.<br />
What it really comes down to is mascots and the national mood.<br />
What is more patriotic than a Patriot? But what is more American than an eagle? In hand to hand combat a human man would beat a bird eagle 99% of the time. In fact, humans are so good at killing animals that bald eagles are/were endangered. But how do Americans feeeel? Many are upset with the current state of affairs and aren't feeling very Patriotic at all, but still feel like America means something. America is all that is good and right in the world. Where else can you ride a go-cart to buy more Doritos because you are too large to support your own weight than in America? And the EAGLE is a symbol of that. We love symbolism.<br />
We also know that the NFL is rigged, though. Do you know who won the Super Bowl at the end of the season that spanned 9/11/2001? The New England Patriots! Just when it was a time where America needed to feel unified and powerful and pride for the nation. The books could be cooked this year again. MAGA and such.<br />
<br />
Regardless of what happens, we can count of Philadelphians to not behave like normal rational people. A win will see them flipping cars in celebration. A loss will see them burning cars in frustration. Minneapolis PD & Philly PD have their work cut out for them tonight.<br />
<br />
I am predicting an upset. <b>Eagles over Pats 27-26</b>. It will come down to the wire. There will be questionable calls. Someone will have a career-threatening injury. Someone will be ejected from the game. Oh I forgot to talk about half-time.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Half-Time</h3>
<br />
Justin Timberlake returns to prove that he still makes music. Last Super Bowl Half-Time Show that JT did, he surprised us all on live TV by ripping away the dress of Janet Jackson and showing us her crusty boob with a star pasty. (You can't pull this kind of stunt anymore because the nation is on high alert with sexual misconduct stuff). Expect Left Shark to make a guest appearance? Fingers crossed for an Andy Samberg cameo appearance.<br />
I watched a new Justin Timberlake video on youtube yesterday, something about a lumberjack. The song could've been written for Meaghan Trainor. Music is weird how sometimes none of it matters, just shut up and listen and buy the album you idiot. It was also weird because JT is aging out of his boyish good looks into regular-old handsome good looks. I am curious to see how his image/career changes as he ages.<br />
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This was supposed to be short. Have a fun and safe Super Bowl LII. Eat plenty and don't drink and drive! God Bless!#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-63704177177603262412017-11-28T20:27:00.000-05:002017-11-28T20:27:31.483-05:00Taylor Swift's Reputation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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At the time of this writing it has been a fortnight and four since the drop of Taylor Swift's hot new record <i>Reputation</i>. And since its midnight release I have been listening to the album on repeat non-stop except for breaks to listen to <i>The Writer's Almanac</i>. Even in my sleep my eardrums thrum to the thuds of the deep throbbing bass, wondering what I made her do. I'm ready for discourse. (Note to self: in that last sentence I see potential for some type of disc golf course related play on words. Circle back to this in the future)<br />
<br />
<h4>
<b>Are You Ready For It?</b></h4>
<br />
So clever. So good. This is the title of the opening track of the album. It both engages the listener as an active participant as well as establishes expectations for the remainder of the album. AYRFI (as fans refer to it) is also one of the songs that came out as a single in advance of the full album.<br />
<br />
<i>What this song does well</i>: it blends the sing-songy melodic characteristics of vintage Taylor with the over-produced electronicish pop-trash of new Taylor. It acts as a tertiary step to acclimate the tender sensitivities of longtime fans by referencing established motifs while preparing them for the aural garbage landslide that is about to assault their ears.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Getting Ahead Of Ourselves</h4>
<br />
As an established and well respected music critic, I'm afraid I'm wearing my review heart on my blog sleeve a bit here. But before we delve into the many pitfalls and shortcomings of this album (spoiler alert), let's look at the numbers.<br />
<br />
Wait. So I'm Microsoft Bing Searching for statistics about record (album) sales because I know it broke all sorts of records (historical milestones) and made like a bajillion dollars in a day and I'm learning all sorts of things that I would have known if I had done more research beyond listening to the album for over 430 hours continuously. Like did you know that <i>Reputation</i> had an official partnership with the United Parcel Service? You could snap a selfie with a specially vinyl wrapped UPS truck and post it on social media for "improved chances" at scoring tickets to a concert. (I propose raising an undead army of skeletons to wage war upon marketing teams worldwide)<br />
<br />
And also, I'm about to tell you all of the bad things I thought about this album and am learning that other music critics are saying good things about this album. Is this all just part of the machine? No one benefits from negative reviews, but everyone gets paid when there's praise. Maybe my lens is fogged.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Taylor Swift</h4>
<br />
She started as the country darling who could connect to the youth with her songs about heartbreak and romance. It was all real boy-crush, girl-crush music. And while it was always pop-country, she endeared herself as the singer-songwriter type who wrote all of her own music in earnest. As she and her sound matured she distanced herself from her humble gee-golly country girl beginnings, but never really lost the image of a musician who writes her own songs. It may be naive on my part to assume that some musicians still make their own music, but with this album she seems to have only a minor hand in songwriting, if any at all.<br />
<br />
Part of this problem is in the music industry and media. These aren't just people who are musicians anymore. These are brands. Everything about their life and public perception is carefully curated and presented to the world. So it's important to talk about the person (TSwizzle) especially when the album and its contents strongly alludes to public perception and how the "artist's" <i>reputation</i> might be tarnished.<br />
<br />
Taylor is a reputed serial dater who participates in tumultuous relationships for the purpose of creating music about being burned by relationships. This is win-win because she gets to write about both the struggles of falling in love, and also the pain of heartbreak from people who don't care enough or whatever.<br />
<br />
Additionally, she apparently has beef with other pop-stars such as Katy Perry. I don't know what this beef is and if it is real or manufactured drama created by record executives, but it works its way (often not so subtly) into her music (deliberate for sales boost? create drama, elevate drama).<br />
<br />
<h4>
The Crux</h4>
<br />
These two things (relationships & petty feuds) are, for me, the crux of this album's pitfalls. It becomes laborious and exhausting trying to decode the lyrics and figure out who or what event Swift at which is hinting.<br />
<br />
<b>Taylor Swift Is Dead</b><br />
<br />
"The old Taylor can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because she's dead!" First, the concept of "coming to the phone" is so dated and hilarious to think about. Like, remember when there were only landlines and you had to call a person's house and speak to their parents first before talking to your friend? And how even more harrowing that prospect was when you were calling someone you were, uh, interested in?<br />
<br />
She's making a statement that she's not who she was and that she has reinvented herself. This point is strongly reinforced in the music video where she portrays all of her past character iterations in a battle for the neon cross (neon T (in Ford we trust)). But why?<br />
<br />
<b>The New Taylor Swift</b><br />
<br />
If the old one is dead then we presumably have a new one. What is she like? Well, from what I can tell she is dark and oily and dances like Beyonce. There's a little bit of s&m 50 shades vibe, but also like "I am still a very precious object don't touch me" kind of deal. And she is all about auto-tune and bass drops. Taylor will have a long successful career, and hopefully this will be the period that eventually will embarrass her the most.<br />
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<h4>
What Did She Do?</h4>
<br />
The first single to drop and probably the catchiest earworm on the album is "Look What You Made Me Do." But what did she do? Steve Irkel often wondered if he did that. Is this a Family Matters reference?<br />
<br />
But really, what did she do? Because I remember something about a year or two ago. It was something she said or did that had bad optics. And I remember thinking that she would have to lay low for a while and then release something new and flashy. Because until that point she was a golden child who could do no wrong and I'm going to take a moment to see if I can figure this out. She has a very good agent/publicist, btw.<br />
<br />
Was it all the groping stuff and lawsuit with that DJ? The suits and counter-suits or possibly something that resulted from the trial? It was mos def bad optics. But I need a Taylor Swift historian to weigh in here.<br />
<br />
Or was it in reference to Kanye West? See, here I am again trying to decode lyrics to what is little more than a catchy pop song. Is she Santa Claus, because she has a list that she is checking twice?<br />
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<h4>
Hype Machine</h4>
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This is what Taylor does best. She (and all her people) drummed up so much hype and anticipation for this album. They did marketing very well, despite being attacked by a skeleton army the entire time. And I too was pumped for the whole album. Because the singles (LWYMMD, AYRFI, and Gorgeous) were interesting but didn't reveal too much and I wanted to hear them in context of the entire album.<br />
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Boy, let me tell you: if disappointment were red shoes I'd be Ronald McDonald. (Red, another Taylor Swift album and also a special edition U2 iPod in the Apple Store). Because, y'all, despite all the hype and anticipation...<br />
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<h4>
Here's The Deal</h4>
<br />
In the end it's still just a pop record for teenage girls. All of the songs that aren't about mysterious celebrity beefs or having receipts are about wanting to be in certain relationships, being in relationships, and dealing with the fall-out of past relationships. Age old themes present themselves like "if it is bad, then why does it feel good?" to which many young people will explore their sexuality and have many awakenings (Kate Chopin? (which I guess might actually might be somewhat relevant)).<br />
<br />
The record doesn't defy or challenge conventions by any stretch. So many of the songs I could see just as easily on an album by, like, Selena Gomez or Pink or Miley Cyrus or whatever else is on the radio.<br />
<br />
<u>Assorted quotes and quick takes:</u><br />
<br />
"My drug is my baby I be using for the rest of my life"<br />
<br />
"Delicate" starts off like an Imogen Heap sounding song.<br />
<br />
Does the song "So It Goes..." reference Vonnegut?<br />
<br />
She mentions being "chill" in several songs but never says Netflix<br />
<br />
"You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong" is basically pro-rape and it's the victim's fault<br />
<br />
She makes "ooOOhh" and other assorted moaning sounds in a lot of the songs. I would like an isolated vocals track of just these.<br />
<br />
"You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it / I had a bad feeling / And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis" also rape-centric lyrics<br />
<br />
"My baby's fly like a jetstream" pro-chemtrail mind control propaganda. Later in the song sings about chains around her neck (slavery)<br />
<br />
"Only bought this dress so you could take it off" glorifies rape culture. Women can only do things like shopping for clothes and want to be dominated by men.<br />
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<h4>
TL;DR</h4>
<br />
You know those 5 paragraph essays you wrote in high school? I think soon they will be 5.1 where that extra tenth is a TL;DR at the end of every essay.<br />
<br />
So the new album by Taylor Swift, <i>Reputation</i> is okay. It's got some bangers. It feels a little uninspired and derivative. It's mainly about teenage girl problems. The old Taylor might be dead, but this can't be her final form. Admittedly, I am only a fan of the hits. I couldn't tell you about any TSwizzle deep cuts and I think that will continue to be true after this album. I'm a fair weather Swift Head.<br />
<br />
<b>Rating</b>: I dunno, like <b>6/10</b>? What is even good or bad these days?<br />
She's still pretty, though, and for girls that is the only thing that matters.<br />
<br />
<br />#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-79315945508702995832017-09-07T21:03:00.000-04:002017-09-07T21:03:51.990-04:00Wendy's Bacon Queso Burger: Not Exactly What You Think<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5YinHZwZ9uuGGm7RyIBn_Dl_o3qyjO-fdiUySQOL1Jo2F_0fvtW75lMOcV08MT59MRYpDWweJrN5eoVsMnK0UVTdwr_FJ4eXacTBJbOhoYZGBBzozJz5ua0thgM3yADNyap9Gq_GqS2Mf/s1600/wendys-bacon-queso-lead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="714" data-original-width="1021" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5YinHZwZ9uuGGm7RyIBn_Dl_o3qyjO-fdiUySQOL1Jo2F_0fvtW75lMOcV08MT59MRYpDWweJrN5eoVsMnK0UVTdwr_FJ4eXacTBJbOhoYZGBBzozJz5ua0thgM3yADNyap9Gq_GqS2Mf/s400/wendys-bacon-queso-lead.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Gather 'round children. It's time for the classic tale of the short-lived sandwich from Wendy's. They called it the <i>Bacon Queso Burger</i> and it was available on either beef (hamburger) or fried chicken patty (chicken sandwich). It was the year of our Lord, 2017, and it was a crazy times. Emperor Trump had just come to power, Taylor Swift couldn't come to the phone because she was dead, and OJ Simpson was released from prison.<br />
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I was self-navigating in my dumb-car after a long day of what we used to call work. It's something we would do before a guaranteed universal basic income allowed our culture to flourish by removing the bonds of wage labor for the sake of empowering corporations. And lo, what did I see but a streetside billboard-sized advertisement for this new sandwich. Yes, that was before the Sanders-Musk bill that outlawed vision-litter. (Hey get off your soapbox of poorly formed ideas! I came here to read about food!)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEq3Yyx_wCJM6o99pgOB6Ngy2dP6t6qdJ5BfVd2aqwX-4dDUvB9cpgj-zVRe8M-tzYIv1poOcpVLpFpWRL9CRJKj7mR894oO-nj7fI-6-m8YxZW6unhiTjB3MCM9cGhoTCgcHnafo-3Cxd/s1600/you+had+me+at.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="970" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEq3Yyx_wCJM6o99pgOB6Ngy2dP6t6qdJ5BfVd2aqwX-4dDUvB9cpgj-zVRe8M-tzYIv1poOcpVLpFpWRL9CRJKj7mR894oO-nj7fI-6-m8YxZW6unhiTjB3MCM9cGhoTCgcHnafo-3Cxd/s400/you+had+me+at.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Immediately, I knew that I must put one of these hamburgers into my body. It was comprised of things that are delicious and which would come, surely, at a reasonable price. Rufus Wainwright. He was the emotional live-in-my-fathers-shadow son of singer songwriter Loudon Wainwright III. Your mother loved him very much even though he didn't want somebody to love him. It was all about instant pleasure for that guy. Anyways, that's where you got your name, Rufus. So, uh, where was I? Oh yeah, in the drive-thru of my local neighborhood Wendy's.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimzRIt_lTuRtmJnbaN4eiqBEaVNlCSG-u4_rgSL8d8dKssSulPK6bEQQmNsAP9adKD3HIZ1exP8YFNJrSZq_6aeXcboGRp4slOj1fpow_8o6QXnivPp2DWtdSdHdJnKgygUdCYbrckZEC7/s1600/DSC04228.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="734" data-original-width="800" height="366" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimzRIt_lTuRtmJnbaN4eiqBEaVNlCSG-u4_rgSL8d8dKssSulPK6bEQQmNsAP9adKD3HIZ1exP8YFNJrSZq_6aeXcboGRp4slOj1fpow_8o6QXnivPp2DWtdSdHdJnKgygUdCYbrckZEC7/s400/DSC04228.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'll take one sad meal for one, please"</td></tr>
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Of course I purchased a combination meal. It was all the rage. You got a sandwich, plus freedom fries, and a quarter-gallon of high fructose corn syrup solution all for under a Harriet Tubman. (<-- Note to future self: Change this if someone else goes on the revised ten dollar bill)<br />
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So I knew nothing of this burger other than what I had read on the billboard. That it was available in an iteration of either beef or chicken, and that it included the added ingredients of bacon and queso. In my mind I took "queso" to mean like stadium cheese. I was expecting that melty nacho stuff that Wendy's also puts on their Bacon Cheddar Fries. I. WAS. WRONG. Time to break it down:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMxQk43zx2EE4myMegA9l5pnDPqtidD4C-39M2ya9INARQy3xxgHNnVs1IAQPw6hUpIgm427WySEFEojYRrGcUgtrNy_HMuxjLO_gJlquTIxGnH_B3FNtsNBxvqONHN7C1horbQfVIKGEh/s1600/DSC04230.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMxQk43zx2EE4myMegA9l5pnDPqtidD4C-39M2ya9INARQy3xxgHNnVs1IAQPw6hUpIgm427WySEFEojYRrGcUgtrNy_HMuxjLO_gJlquTIxGnH_B3FNtsNBxvqONHN7C1horbQfVIKGEh/s400/DSC04230.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b>BUN</b><br />
It is made of bread. It is a fancy bun. You can tell by the way they faux-slashed the top to let the steam out and let the bread expand. Or whatever that's supposed to do. (Bread enthusiasts, shout at me in the comments!) You'll also notice that in the promo shot below, the bun looks like a knotted top, a la brioche. Did I get the wrong bun?? This is filling me with anxiety! Bread is too sweet these days, especially at fast food joints. Overall, though it was a good bread to fillings ratio.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9PVDadMfcNS8i-O5teKMJePR_Pkktz3mdkDLKQU9ddFTGDF7w_ExYotDwYuuB74-Nd7RNrCk_aBMUIcfNOqlmrVkc3KUN4uBv55fHiBgX_krIdcSGi8ZyiEX-TNY1RPk-D59giBluxBAn/s1600/official-promo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="387" data-original-width="512" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9PVDadMfcNS8i-O5teKMJePR_Pkktz3mdkDLKQU9ddFTGDF7w_ExYotDwYuuB74-Nd7RNrCk_aBMUIcfNOqlmrVkc3KUN4uBv55fHiBgX_krIdcSGi8ZyiEX-TNY1RPk-D59giBluxBAn/s400/official-promo.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What bae think she look like</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvKuQG2S2RX3-Ch2D9vNa0JAYMCvOj7JYeOp-pfDpylwY77HKHqY_0T6j5631IKbXi4S4pNQ4KLC_LJ8Sa5BKb1piXoiokikFZBdJlVHB8qWUp88c6xXN1tvamT6FjG0G9di_Q6A6esJIx/s1600/DSC04231.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvKuQG2S2RX3-Ch2D9vNa0JAYMCvOj7JYeOp-pfDpylwY77HKHqY_0T6j5631IKbXi4S4pNQ4KLC_LJ8Sa5BKb1piXoiokikFZBdJlVHB8qWUp88c6xXN1tvamT6FjG0G9di_Q6A6esJIx/s400/DSC04231.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Handsome profile view where the, uh, viewer may note the toppings oozing out the same beckoning way as the official promotional image</td></tr>
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<b><br /></b>
<b>RED ONION</b><br />
This ingredient was not listed in the name. Spoiler alert, not the only ingredient not listed in the name. I guess that's why books have chapters, though. It wouldn't be much fun if it was all in the title. So we get a few stringy loops of red onion. Maybe not super appropriate for this sandwich.<br />
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<b>QUESO</b><br />
This queso was actually <i>spicy-queso</i> like you might dunk your nachos into at a SuperBowl™ party. So please note, young lad, this was a spicy sandwich. At this point in my story dear boy, I would also like to mention that this particular spell-check software does not like the word queso. I'm pronouncing it right aren't I? Spanish for cheese? Texture was still the same melty-fatty of the stadium style nacho cheese that I anticipated. It just had added minced/diced jalapeno-style chunks.<br />
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<b>BACON</b><br />
We've all had baquon, rite? Wendy's bacon is neither poor nor spectacular. It is a good flavor with decent thickness and crisp. So far this hamburger is delivering on toppings promises.<br />
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<b>BEEF</b><br />
I'll be the first to tell you, one of the things I like most about Wendy's beef is that they never freeze it. Straight from cow to store. Maybe there are more steps, but one of those steps is never below 0 degrees C. Competitors might need to freeze their beef, but Wendy's cares about quality and flavor. It's what Dave would have wanted. And it is square. Presumably to be different/better, but mathematically to reduce scrap beef. It's a standard Wendy's patty. Taste and texture as expected. Can you get a thicker, more flavorful burger elsewhere? Yeah, but it's fast food.<br />
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<b>CHICKEN</b><br />
I didn't try the chicken bacon queso.<br />
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<b>SURPRISE INGREDIENT</b><br />
Number Two (#2) surprise ingredient not listed in the name and the biggest surprise of all: Chili? Salsa? It's some type of tomato based paste. This really caught me off guard and quite frankly was unwelcome. In a subsequent trip to Wendy's I saw it listed on the sign as "Fire-Roasted Salsa," but I can tell you right now that it is just old Wendy's chili with old Wendy's jalepenos added to it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkqhkkrFeEE3b9o8LZCalYec8B0FtH03X8utuMU2rJC1RQbp-dXdrkxiah-nBu259VAmkeP52PI3KW1V4kbAlCi4ausGmJkj2IAINTebjOHg1M39vkE1A3hDM4w_bPqP7OeuUfOL1IkuC0/s1600/DSC04232.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="437" data-original-width="800" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkqhkkrFeEE3b9o8LZCalYec8B0FtH03X8utuMU2rJC1RQbp-dXdrkxiah-nBu259VAmkeP52PI3KW1V4kbAlCi4ausGmJkj2IAINTebjOHg1M39vkE1A3hDM4w_bPqP7OeuUfOL1IkuC0/s400/DSC04232.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at this gross, old chili smeared on the bun. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCwTrr8KcD_kqFkHaE0cNVSyXz77oWRst3OnFPZ1sRZ6hAF0Kt4ql8EJmh_yWVpJwyOCC-B5KhvlK1UQumtwpPvhbzeYPUCEJ0YEuRMwrP1RYg7VMQv2ps3e5w8dIMqFD4FlMKiqrFH1Jd/s1600/DSC04233.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="384" data-original-width="800" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCwTrr8KcD_kqFkHaE0cNVSyXz77oWRst3OnFPZ1sRZ6hAF0Kt4ql8EJmh_yWVpJwyOCC-B5KhvlK1UQumtwpPvhbzeYPUCEJ0YEuRMwrP1RYg7VMQv2ps3e5w8dIMqFD4FlMKiqrFH1Jd/s400/DSC04233.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Once bitten, twice bite, uh won't get bitten again</td></tr>
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See in the cross-section photo how the ingredients compress and the illusion of high-caliber burger fades into the reality that you are pounding another greasy fat loaf into your gullet. One of the benefits of fast food is that it is one step closer to poop than real food so your body doesn't have to work as hard to pass it.<br />
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<b>SHREDDED CHEDDAR</b><br />
This burger also has melted, shredded cheddar cheese. A nice bonus for that "real cheese" flavor.<br />
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<h3>
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS / SUMMARY / CONCLUSION</h3>
Not a good burger. I will not order this again (sober). Here's what happened to make this burger: A Wendy's "Chef" came home one night totally plastered from alcohol after a night on the town with the boys. But he decided he wasn't done partyin' yet so he took a few large rips off of his marijuana bong. (This Wendy's Chef lives in one of the places where this is legal). You know, just to level out, sleep better and stuff. Then he turns on some Superjail! re-runs for about 20 minutes before he decides he's hungrier than he's ever been before. Luckily for him, as head Wendy's Chef, he gets to take home old ingredients from his store so that they don't go to waste. I mean, come'on man, you're throwing it into the trash anyways, man, just like pretend my car is the trash, dude. [I'm not trying to denigrate Wendy's employees or stoners here; this is just how history happened] So Bruce (his name is bruce) has all of these old ingredients and decides to combine them into the ultimate burger. Old burger, old cheese, old chili--wait, spice it up with some 'penos--old etc etc toss it in the microwave and BAM! Duuuude! This is amaaaazeeeebaaaaallllllssss. "You've got to try this, man" Bruce said to an empty room, offering his half eaten abomination to the no-one standing next to him. You know, if Wendy's had the same deal with Frito Lay that YUM! Brands does, I'd expect to find Frito's Corn Chips on this burger too. And so the next day Bruce wakes up from the most wonderful sleep ever with only vague after-images of his midnight creation. But as the details start to return, so does his enthusiasm. Later at work he pitches the idea to Terri (store manager) and recreates it for her. She is dubious at first but then realizes the genius in it and calls her GM who sends it up the chain until finally the Bacon Queso Burger became a reality. A drunk stoned employee stumbled upon a brilliant way to dispose of old ingredients in a sandwich for which the restaurant could charge a premium. This is a trash-burger.<br />
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My advice to Wendy's: Make this what <i>I</i> wanted/expected. Get rid of the chili. Use regular nacho cheese instead of the spicy queso. Onion is unnecessary. And, um, while we're at it drop the price by a dollar or so. There's a winner sandwich for you. But I guess that's basically a Baconator. So yeah, in summary, this sandwich doesn't need to exist and will probably go away soon. What happened to pulled pork on a pretzel bun? That's the kind of fast food seasonal diversity that I can get on top of, figuratively.<br />
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Wait, did I shift tenses from my old man story teller throughout this review? Ahh man, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.<br />
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<b>3.7/10 poundexclaims</b> (so high because bacon & cheese still. without chili would be 5.5/10)#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-48366487173520483132017-03-11T20:09:00.000-05:002017-03-11T20:09:12.114-05:00This Week In Banal Conversation Topics<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNLYj5Tp2UTM1Cyq641owdEXY0wNXKb8KUWzKF_-l3dmtOchKqYDWgtlvPLrnQIeBbqDOg-wmoEdnUtOISTfV1avN0De7tV9dvHEAeLs5aWdbhcv56NO_UMJi89WExMysMzG-CWctIlB2G/s1600/trumphandshake.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNLYj5Tp2UTM1Cyq641owdEXY0wNXKb8KUWzKF_-l3dmtOchKqYDWgtlvPLrnQIeBbqDOg-wmoEdnUtOISTfV1avN0De7tV9dvHEAeLs5aWdbhcv56NO_UMJi89WExMysMzG-CWctIlB2G/s1600/trumphandshake.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Haha! Yes! I also watch television programs!</td></tr>
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<br />We're well into the new year (new you!)--so much so, as a matter of fact, that we can basically already consider this year [2017] OVER! More or less. Less is MORE! But for the time being we're just going to hit some bullet points from the week ahead so we can talk about the things that we're going to be talking about around the water cooler at work in order to seem personable despite all of our inner fears of making a real human connection.<br />
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<b>Daylight Savings Time</b><br />
It's so close, that by the time you read this it will probably have already passed. And you will have passed...one hour into the future. We're living on borrowed time, folks. Why do we still do this? Is it for the cows? Is it so we can pretend to be Time Lords and feel like we have some sort of tenuous grasp on the ethereal strands of our own withering destinies?<br />
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<b>The 2nd Monday The 13th In A (Monthly) Row</b><br />
Garfields of the world know about these kinds of days. They're almost as bad or possibly worse than being murdered by a guy with a big knife and a hockey mask on an unlucky Friday, because you have to go back to work and wallow in the sameness of your meaningless routine. This Monday the 13th is extra special because it happens after a full moon. I'll start heating up the lasagna now.<br />
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<b>MARCH MADNESS!</b><br />
If you ask an average American "why do you live?" a great majority of answers will be "to watch sporting events, of course!" And what other pinnacle of athletic competition garners more attention than the NCAA men's basketball tournament? And it's great for advertisers because it's an entire half a month, not just a 3-5 hour Super Bowl event. These highly unpaid "student" athletes make millions of dollars for many people all for a shot at The Big Game. Sure, many will go on to be talented professional athletes, but what about the scrappy point guards of the world who graduate with a degree in Health Teacher or Gym Teacher and have learned no other professional skills? I guess you do a couple John Deere commercials or something and then go play for an international team.<br />
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Get your office bracket filled out and prepare to lose to the guy/gal that picks teams based on mascots.<br />
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<b>Beware The Ides Of March!</b><br />
The fifteenth of the month is when "Orange" Julius Caesar was famously murdered by his best friend Brutus. At least that is what I remember based on reading Shakespeare in high school English class. "Shakespeare is cool because of fart jokes, ya dig?" said the cool high school teacher, deeply in touch with what the kids find cool. "What scene is this?" the cool teacher continued while showing the class a series of emoticons.<br />
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<b>St. Patricks Day</b><br />
Yup, everyone is a little bit Irish if it means you can get out-of-control-drunk. This is especially true since it's on a Friday and you don't have to show up at work the next day green-tongued and barely functional. It's also a little bit like Halloween for some reason, where people dress up in weird costumes and girls act extra, uh, promiscuous. Is this a racist/xenophobic/insensitive tradition here in USA?<br />
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That's all I can think of as far as big days this coming week. I guess there's always the weather too. Weather is crazy, right? Haha.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-49022636504674257352017-02-04T21:28:00.000-05:002017-02-04T21:28:21.746-05:00Super Bowl LI Last Minute Preview<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRGumFxoxryZab_CMXXiKJ_bUiWo7Zf4ssxze2Rj9zAIaxyt0INzez2Ps7y7OSq6V4yRWKBuHcVMQ1BBQ7Q0bm9HXshzLHYWyyfXRcZVLvpu26dkFNG8NB7qqN_0U7Qy5wirLWMPFXK5KP/s1600/superbowlli.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRGumFxoxryZab_CMXXiKJ_bUiWo7Zf4ssxze2Rj9zAIaxyt0INzez2Ps7y7OSq6V4yRWKBuHcVMQ1BBQ7Q0bm9HXshzLHYWyyfXRcZVLvpu26dkFNG8NB7qqN_0U7Qy5wirLWMPFXK5KP/s400/superbowlli.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Chill out. "Last Minute" is a figure of speech. Did you really think I would wait until the literal last minute to publish a Super Bowl preview? That wouldn't give you enough time to read beforehand and you might miss an advertisement. I mean last minute like doing your summer homework assignment on the final day of summer break before schools starts. Speaking of last minutes, I will bet this sports contest of champions comes down to the last minutes. Get information about this and the full pre-game analysis in my annual "Non-sports-fanatic lambasting of American culture and consumption: A post-cynical view of society and its whims."<br />
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<a name='more'></a>We have so much ground to cover. So much to say, as Dave Matthews Band would say. This is a very loaded Super Bowl. I doubt we'll even have time to cover actual athletics. I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to organize my thoughts, he typed unnecessarily into the article.<br />
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<h4>
Make America Great Again</h4>
Okay, so this is obviously the gold encrusted elephant in the room. Let's <i>tackle</i> the big one first. This is the first Super Bowl game to be played under President Donald J. Trump. In fact, it could even be viewed as a game celebrating his supreme leadership. Because DJ Trump promised to make America great again (remember, like during The Great War) and what is more great and American than the two best American Football teams battling it out on the Grid Iron (not sure why nerds don't love football, Tron is on a grid too). Moreover, one of the teams playing is the New England <i>PATRIOTS!</i><br />
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A <i>PATRIOT</i>, as we all know, is a congressional act that allows unwarranted government surveillance of civilian activity in order to find and stop terrorists. It really works! This was passed in October of 2001 and there hasn't been a terrorist attack since then! Think, when was the last time there was a 9/11? Not since 2001!<br />
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Hey, speaking of 2001 and Patriots and America and so on--do you know who won the Super Bowl after the 9/11 terrorist attacks? That's right! The New England Patriots! I would love to tell you that I made that accurate prediction in the very same year because it is true. (Have you seen my darkblacknetsite article about how the NFL is rigged?)<br />
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So from a sports preview perspective, these are very heavy points in favor of The Pats.<br />
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<h4>
What's In A Name?</h4>
The second major thing I want to analyze is the name. This is a big deal to me. SUPER BOWL LI. You'll remember last year we went Arabic and left the Romans at home because Super Bowl L looks silly and isn't a nice big round number like 50. (now that I think about it and see 5-0 like slang for police I wonder what was happening in the socio-political realm at the time last year. probably all of the police body-cam stuff that needed the public to re-support and re-respect-mah-authoritah of the police). Because before that--in the <i>good years</i> of football--we had the American marketing <i>wet dream</i> Roman Numerals: The X's.<br />
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I'm not talking about the hit band The xx. I'm not even talking about super sexytime xxx (or even Vin Diesel's xXx for that matter)--although marketers love using sex to encourage positive user interaction with their product or service. I'm talking x like XTREEM 3-D Blazin Doritos. And X-TREME CODE RED SNOW BLAST MTN. DEW! OMG x's are so great! X marks the spot. We even got to XL which is how they want you to live when you're binging on processed food and sports entertainment.We will remember the X-Years fondly. (except for generation X. am disappoint. clean my mess tho plz (not sure what's happening here (delete last 20 seconds))).<br />
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But now--get this, you're going to love this--we're on Ls. And this might be one of the best Ls. Super Bowl LI. Don't you see it? L-I-(E). LIES! This is the Super Bowl of LIES! American <i>won't</i> be great again. It's all a big lie.<br />
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Or what about LI as in the Chinese name Li, because so much USA debt is owed to China and they make so many USA goods and DJ Trump will ban foreigners and USA will be Jobs bigly for much better Goodness you won't believe it trust me it's truly excellent my good friend <i>Chinese Premier <b>Li</b> Keqiang!</i><br />
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So these, are uh, points for ATL I guess? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention but you probably know that the two teams playing are the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots.<br />
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<h4>
Deflate Gate</h4>
Tom Brady (unofficial third member of Handsome Boy Modeling School) got into some trouble for not having full balls. They were limp and deflated, therefore easier to squeeze or something. (insert hilarious Giselle joke). And having squishy balls is against the official NFL rules and guidelines for successful play. (i don't know why nerds don't love football, they have a thick book of specific rules just like D&D). So as a punishment for "cheating" Tom had to miss a few games this season. And Roger Goodell, dark lord of football, unfriended Tom on facebook (but is still friends with <i>other</i> Tom on myspace). As Taylor Swift would put it: baby there's bad blood. But Goodell can't hide forever. Will he rig the game toward Atlanta, just so he doesn't have to interact with Tom Brady?<br />
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This is points for the Falcons.<br />
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<h4>
Hey Speaking of Falcons</h4>
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Fal-Con. Con, convict, criminals. Atlanta, ATL, ATLiens. Build a wall. Make America Great. Keep out the criminal illegal aliens. The <i>Fall</i> of the <i>Convicts</i>. I dunno, just some wordplay. I'm like Jason Mraz that way--we're both all about it (the wordplay). Also, he has an avocado orchard and I like to eat avocados. We're basically best friends.</div>
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<h4>
Commercials</h4>
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Ah, the real reason anyone watches this final game of the year featuring teams that they largely don't care about. Well, I mean the real reason besides the excuse to binge drink on Sunday and eat enough to feed a small village. Commercials. We are a consumer society. But we are also dumb and don't know what to spend our hard earned money upon. That's why we need commercials to yell at us and seduce us until we submit.</div>
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It's a little different at the Super Bowl, though. Most commercials go for funny. And since a Super Bowl ad spot costs so much (around $5M for 30 seconds) they tend to be better scripted and produced. They're like short funny videos telling us to buy things. These also make it fun for the women and nerds who don't understand this great sport. It lets them participate, in a way. Further, it's also <i>fresh content</i> that can be reused later on for a two-hour special about funny Super Bowl commercials that also has regular commercial breaks. I swear we're not too far off from a channel that is non-stop commercials. People would watch!</div>
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What will we see? Obviously there will be beer commercials for American Lagers. Budweiser will make a sentimental/nostalgic ad, but also have a Bud Light funny/manly ad. We will get truck commercials telling us how hard working they/we are and are made to be inside each other. Doritos. There will also be that commercial for some small company that no one has heard of that blew their entire 10 year advertising budget on that spot as a last ditch gamble to be known. </div>
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I know that many of the commercials have "leaked" online already. Which gets my blood boiling. People eagerly giving additional ad revenue to sites hosting these videos. Greedily devouring ads to see them and laugh before anyone else. To know. It's so messed up, really. Then people will continue to talk about these ads the next day at work like "ooh what was your favorite commercial?" and just how much of our lives are we giving over to these brands????? You'll march in DC, but when will you turn off your TV? (Put that on a shirt)</div>
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<h4>
Half-Time</h4>
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Maybe this should have gone in the middle of this article. Half Time is a big deal because you can finally go pee and not miss a commercial or sports action. It is also a great opportunity to see Janet Jackson's boob, or Katy Perry's sharks, Bruce Springsteen's crotch, or even powerful secret illuminati symbols from Beyonce. </div>
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This year's half-time performer is Lady GaGa. She is usually known for huge dramatic theatrics and weirdo personal fashion decisions. But she might be different this year since she's trying to make the shift from strange pop-icon to "you guy's I'm a serious singer song writer now. take me seriously, for real. see? I'm normal." I heard that she's going to dress like she's going to church and then sit at the piano and play Amazing Grace and then Tony Bennett will pop out of a cloud of smoke and wink at the crowd and a stadium full of 72,000 people will collectively swoon as the nonagenarian crooner croons.</div>
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Remember that Batman movie where Bane blew up the Super Bowl?</div>
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<h4>
Last Minute</h4>
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Lastly, it's the last minute calls that this game will come down to. Since the NFL is rigged, this game will be close at the end and maybe even go into bonus overtime. More time = more excitement = more money. It's so obvious! So plain to see!</div>
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So, at the moment of this writing, a popular online sports betting website has the Patriots favored by 3 points with an over/under of 58.5 total points. The experts are expecting this to come down to a field goal. As far as I'm concerned, it's been a lousy year for field goal kickers in general. That's a lot of pressure.</div>
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Final Predictions</h4>
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Overall, this should be one of the Greatest Super Bowls ever played in our Great Nation as a kickstart to Make America Great Again. My prediction is that the Patriots will win for America, despite all of the Lies behind American Patriotism in 2017. Lady Gaga will be great and rejuvenate enthusiasm in music sales as well as sexual identity rights. The best commercial, according to many websites the next day, will be a condom commercial. Tom Brady won't retire. God will be thanked. Bill Belichick won't smile and may kick a puppy. Someone will be severely injured and rekindle the discussion on rules/concussions/safety. Some celebrities will be spotted in the audience, including former president Bush. You will feel sick from eating too many chicken wings. Monday at work will suck.</div>
#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-11771523059538931782016-09-28T23:10:00.000-04:002016-09-28T23:10:38.635-04:00Let's Talk About Fall: 2016 EditionIt's Facebook Official: Autumn has occurred. And continues to occur. The equinox has passed and we mark this segment of our orbit around the sun as our fall season. There is so much to cover. At least one fourth of our yearly traditions take place (occur) this season.<br />
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"Whatever, just give me the bullet points, filthy blogger," said the rude website reader. "It's new TV episodes season and I have much much viewing to do. Like, I know it's mindless garbage structured around advertisements, but it just helps me relax at the end of the day. And as a HardWorkingAmerican, I just want to come home from my job (<i>vital</i> to the economy) and relax with an ice cold Bud Light Lime, some Cheeto's dust coated Burger King Chicken Fries, and kick back to some good old fashioned network television programming."<br />
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I understand your plight. Who knows what trending hashtags you might miss out on if you don't catch every second of <i>Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X</i>? Well, pop in a blank VHS and press record, because it's time to read about:<br />
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<h4>
Pumpkin Spice</h4>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg316pnQ3EC-U_DjHOX_pczr4MAHfbLDH7fWz95oH8X3qkRzS7SYUEQjOSBfO6ZyNGcnyWTywsXM7rth-fiiGhw1LfOfkZoa3hWPw5wHFN4NFkfyN8NNCV4d6arAODR1RI49pdcDFQAos4/s1600/pumpkin+spice.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg316pnQ3EC-U_DjHOX_pczr4MAHfbLDH7fWz95oH8X3qkRzS7SYUEQjOSBfO6ZyNGcnyWTywsXM7rth-fiiGhw1LfOfkZoa3hWPw5wHFN4NFkfyN8NNCV4d6arAODR1RI49pdcDFQAos4/s1600/pumpkin+spice.gif" /></a></div>
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Love it, Hate it. The over-saturated flavor Pumpkin Spice has reached a tipping point. The p-spice stock has been on the quick rise over recent years and it's either going to enter the eternal pantheon of autumn indulgences, or it will be dethroned and forgotten like so many flavor trends. I feel we are at a critical juncture for p-spice and it will be immortalized or immolated very soon-like. More than likely, it's here to stay. If that is true then I'm going to need companies to CTFO about blasting it in my face.<br />
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Are there other flavors that could fill in for p-spice? Caramel apple, maybe. Apple pie. Who am I kidding. PS4L.<br />
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<h4>
Oktoberfest</h4>
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It has come and gone and it left me feeling underwhelmed. That's what she said. This is supposed to be the big "welcome to fall" festival to celebrate the German traditions of drinking beer and listening to polka and eating German food. Except my local O-Fest was charging way too much for a liter of beer and a bratwurst. The wenches were in short supply, but the trendy Americans in Alpine hats were aplenty. Is this kind of cultural appropriation inappropriate? Imagine Germans celebrating American Independence Day by serving $8 hot dogs and $16 tall-boy Bud Lights while wearing American flag clothing and listening to either Kid Rock or, like, John Philip Sousa. Seems weird.<br />
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<h4>
Football</h4>
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Sports. It's always fun to catch a few football games until your favorite local team loses more games than they've won and you give up hope on the Bengals again and say well maybe next year is our year. More importantly, are your favorite players sitting or standing during the national anthem? What is their message? "I am protesting this great nation, but will continue to fulfill my sports contract in order to make millions of dollars." Honestly, I don't really understand the reasons for this. Is it a display of general dissatisfaction with something about this country or its leadership? Or is it specifically a Black Lives Matter themed protest? Or is it just like you know people like being part of something--a movement--even if they don't fully understand the reasons or results they hope to achieve.<br />
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I think it's more that last one. People live their lives and as they get older they're like "this is it? this can't be it" and look for things to make it feel like they might make a difference or are doing something brave or important but it's all really as inconsequential as posting a status on a social media webpage for their friends to see and maybe talk about but still in the end it's a topsy turvy world where we're all striving our hardest to make sense out of anything as this rock we call earth hurtles endlessly through the vaccuum of space.<br />
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Politics/Elections</h4>
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Can we please just stop? Neither major party candidate is my friend, yet they keep showing up in my Twitter/Insta feeds. Shouldn't elections be like choosing between a chicken sandwich or a hamburger? You'd be fine with eating either one but maybe you want one more than the other based on the policies of the hamburger? Instead it's always a strong dislike of both candidates, but one is maybe slightly less terrible than the other. South Park nailed it by describing elections as the choice between a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.<br />
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I've taken some online surveys and they're like "if the elections were today who would you vote for" and I answer "undecided" and the next question is all "yeah, but if you <i>had</i> to chose one <i>today</i> who would it be?" and I'm like damn, neither of these two. I'm voting for Jackie Chan. And that's politics. You <i>have</i> to chose <i>today! It has to be one of these!!!</i> What happened to my voice? This surely isn't democracy. I don't feel represented.<br />
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I may do a separate post on voting and these elections on darkblacknetsite.<br />
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<h4>
Halloween</h4>
What will the too-soon/in-poor-taste Halloween costume be this year? There's always something that someone daring tries to pull off and it makes everyone go:<br />
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For instance, I don't think anyone was a WTC-w/-airplane in 2001, but it still seemed pretty wrong though slightly amusing in 2002. So who's pushing the poor-taste envelope in 2016? Maybe a Bill Cosby rapist outfit, which: bonus points if you do blackface for this costume. Maybe something Islamophobic, terrorist related. The ghost of a dead unarmed black man killed by police. When did Caitlyn Jenner happen? That seems like more of a Matt Lauer costume though. I dunno, leave some comments down below about what offensive costumes might be out there this Halloween.</div>
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Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground</h4>
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Them trees be poppin'. Where are your favorite hotspots for spotting hot colored leaves? I love the sweet decay and look forward to your photographs on social media. There was a poem we read in high school about the changing of the seasons and how we wait to see it happen one proud day but end up missing it because it's a gradual process that just sort of sneaks by without grand announcement. I think it was more about Winter to Spring, but I forget the poem.</div>
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Flannel/Sweaters</h4>
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Warm clothing is making a comeback. Hide your body shame in billowing layers of thick comfy clothing. What's in fashion this fall? I really don't know. Hoodies are probably still cool, right? And LLBean Duck Boots with thick wool socks. Do you have the perfect flannel shirt for picking apples on the orchard? And like, are we still doing skinny jeans or can we go back to comfortable Brett Favre Wranglers. </div>
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Thanksgiving</h4>
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Thanksgiving is the holiday when Europeans tried to escape the tyrannical religious rule of England and bring tyranny and religion to the Americas, freeing the local heathens from their primitive ways. In return, the primitive "Indians" showed the Europeans how to "not die" in America. Then they celebrated by eating a Turkey with mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and enduring relatives that you love like family even though they're crazy. The way we do Thanksgiving now is nearly identical to the way they did it back in, like, uh, 1621? The main difference in 2016 is headphonejackless iPhones and:</div>
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Black Friday</h4>
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They didn't have Blizzle Frizzle back in the dizzle. I know, rite? How did those pilgrims and noble savages get their HOTTT DEALZ? Can you imagine if the natives already had Wal-Mart and 100" LED 4K UHDTVs? The Europeans wouldn't have even needed small pox blankets, they could've just trampled everyone to death to get the score on cheap Chinese consumer electronics. But on the for realz, what are are the hottt dealz this season? And when will stores start offering turkey dinners to people foregoing their families and waiting in line Wednesday night to get the first deals at 12:01AM Thanksgiving day?</div>
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What else is going on this fall? Pumpkin flavored beers are off the hook. Anything you want to talk about? Leave it in the comments or ignore everything forever whatever I don't care.</div>
#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-27244929384096896202016-08-28T16:29:00.000-04:002016-08-28T16:29:17.600-04:00Pepsi Cola 1893: New Old-Fashioned Soda Pop For The Cool Kids; A Tasting And Review<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've got another confession to make and it's not a Foo Fighters song. (Foo Fighters cover band Goo Gighters?). The cold hard truth is that I've been figuratively sitting on this review for literally months. Deletes, re-writes, procrastination, fear. In fact, by the time this is published this soda might have already failed in the free market economy and been scrapped by PepsiCo for something more tuned-in to today's soda drinkers.<br />
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The trouble has been that I want to write a comprehensive review, but soda pops come with so much baggage. I would have to start at the beginning of soda in America to really convey my great and well-reasoned points. I would have to cover the entire history of beverage marketing for this article to really make sense. And this includes The Cola Wars--no small topic in itself. And then I would have to examine current trends in culture and lifestyle choices. You guys, I have a 200-level college course about cola trapped in my head. Sure there are a lot of familiar faces/students taking my class just because they loved me so much in my "Gossip Girl & Modern Ethics" course last semester. But can you begin to see how daunting a simple cola review becomes?<br />
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So I will write this abbreviated review with the understanding that you have a firm foundation in the cola market and are familiar, in general, with pop culture (get it?!). (In case you're wondering, I read <i>Freakonomics</i>, so yes I am as knowledgeable as an actual economist)<br />
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Well, anyways. Let me dig out my tasting notes from May 20, 2016 and get back into this review. I could just buy new cans and re-taste for today's review, but (spoiler alert) nope, no thanks.<br />
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<b>USA</b><br />
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Drinking soda-pops is a pastime as American as apple pie baseball. It's a drink for the young and carefree before they become the hard-working labor class and switch to patriotic Lite beer. There are, however, some awkward in-between years (aren't there always?) in which soda-pop manufacturers strive to retain their user base and create an addiction that lasts for a shortened, diabetic, obese lifetime. These in-betweeners are <span style="color: #a64d79;"><i><b>TheCoolKids</b></i></span>, and boy-oh-boy are they a fickle crowd.<br />
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With so-called disposable incomes and ever-broadening horizons these perennial <span style="color: #a64d79;"><i><b>TheCoolKids </b></i></span>are the wet dreams of marketing teams in nearly every major consumer industry. This is where personal identities are created and life-long brand loyalties are formed. If you can get them on the hook at this stage of life--regardless of moral or ethical consequences (see: cigarettes, soda-pop)--then you've got a reliable micro-revenue-stream for your corporation for a least a few more decades. And that, children, is the American dream.<br />
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Hey now, let's not get too down and cynical so very early into the tasting and review. Drinking soda-pop (henceforth referred to as either soda or pop (app idea: it's like the <a href="https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/cloud-to-butt-plus/apmlngnhgbnjpajelfkmabhkfapgnoai?hl=en" target="_blank">cloud-to-butt plugin</a> except it functions for all of the user's regional dialects)) like I was saying, drinking pop should be a fun and exciting experience. Scintillating, effervescent, and titillating even--just like <b><i><span style="color: #783f04;">Pepsi Cola 1893</span></i></b>??? Maybe. Can there be any way to find out for sure?<br />
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Generation Next</h3>
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We should start the same way any good thing starts: with an advertisement. Unlike Hulu, I only have this single advertisement (for now!) and you don't have to watch it if you don't want to. But it's vintage so it's more like a memory than an advertisement. Just like there are those TV specials that are 2 hours of commercials with other commercials in between and whose purpose is to get you pumped for watching commercials at the big yearly sports championship match.<br />
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In this 1991 Pepsi TV spot, we see Jamie Foxx giving an inspirational performance as a blind pianist. While I was thinking about this commercial earlier in the day (months ago) and before I looked it up, I wasn't sure which blind pianist it was and thought that maybe it was Stevie Wonder. And so I was thinking of all of these teasers that I might be able to use for this article, like "Stevie Wonder wonders, does his infant possess the correct one? uh-huh." Much like Crystal Pepsi, it didn't work out.<br />
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<b>Generation Next!</b><br />
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Oh yeah. We're talking about The Pepsi Generation. This is what PepsiCo has been calling their groupies/users/target audience since 1963. That's right! You, your dad, your kids, maybe your grandpa (also all of the other gender identity variations of these familial relations) are all The Pepsi Generation. In 1984 (#orwell #obama #dystopianreality), Pepsi drinkers were The New Generation; then finally settling on GenerationNext in 1997. So basically Millennials.<br />
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<b>The Problem With Millennials</b><br />
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This is a section that needs its own weekly show on Fox News.<br />
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With regards to pop, however, the problem with many Millenials is that they have been brought up in a world where society at large has begun to question the virtues of high-fructose-corn-syrup (HFCS). The anti-penultimate (not ante (I mean like "first loser" (second place is the first loser (AND1!)))) ingredient in most soda-pops, however, is HFCS.<br />
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The soda corporations tried different (cancerous) tactics like phenylalanine and acesulfame and those were fine for your mom's diet cola addiction, but the kids weren't having it. Some where at some time there was a TV DR that said something like "I'm not eating that I can't pronounce it!" (which is a difficult way to live if you're an idiot or illiterate). And so the soda companies started re-branding their artificial sweeteners with "natural" names like Splenda and Stevia and printing pictures of plants on the box. Because it's healthy.<br />
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So it's hard to get thoughtful <i style="color: #a64d79;"><b>TheCoolKids</b></i> to drink pop, despite the addictive nature of sugar. But do you know what it isn't difficult to get them/millennials to drink?<br />
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<b>Alcohol</b><br />
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Getting crunk is totes cray, amirite bae? Young professionals and pre-young-professionals will do anything for a few hours of sweet release from this hellish nightmare-scape that the Boomers have left for <strike>us</strike> them. Heroin use is on the rise, but that's illegal and <i style="color: #a64d79;"><b>TheCoolKids</b></i> don't do illegal things. (Don't look at me! They're the Uber generation (I mean like the transport service, not Hitler's übermensch!)). And let's not even talk about that Devil's Lettuce in Uncle Pete's jazz cigarettes. No, you guys, it's booze that's cool!<br />
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They drink booze in Miller Lite commercials. They drink booze in Bacardi commercials. There are images of attractive people on boats in print ads in Time Magazine drinking Bartles & James (a type of booze popular with your cool aunt). James Bond and Archer both drink tons of booze. Think of a cool movie: booze has played a central role to a really cool part. Booze is the cigarettes of today (with regards to how cool it is made to look without any of the negative health consequences ever being addressed (yeah, right <i>hangovers </i>are sooo bad, we just made 3 movies about how hilarious and fun they end up being for everybody)).<br />
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This is where Pepsi 1893 begins to make sense.<br />
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<b>The Ron Swansonization of Masculinity</b><br />
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For eons, men have grappled with the question "what is it to be a man?" In our complex hyper-sensitive egalitarian society this question becomes even harder to answer. It turns out that not all men love sports or know how to fix mechanical things. Some men even exhibit emotions.<br />
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Yet despite the continually and progressively morphing ideas of gender roles, there are masculine archetypes that pervade. Hard-working, emotionally-stoic, alcohol-loving, cigar-smoking, gun-shooting, flannel-wearing, boots, trucks, facial hair, meat eating. You get where I'm going.<br />
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The character Ron Swanson on hit TV show <i>Parks and Rec</i> was created as a John Everyman of masculine ideals. Ron Swanson is either a direct influence, or satirical reflection, of young men trying to define their personal identity.<br />
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Facial hair is so in right now. So are handy crafts like artisinal woodworking. And don't forget the Scotch whisky. The Ron Swanson Youth (no! totally different from Hitler Youth!) are the goal demographic for Pepsi 1893. Swanson is a man ripped from the past and displaced into a totes cray artifical world inhabited by a bunch of Tom Haverfords. Pepsi 1893 is an authentic flavor ripped from the good-ol-days of real-men-sodas and displaced into this wiggity-whack world of Sweet'n'Low hoverboard-riding-sodas.<br />
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Pepsi 1893</h3>
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A bold spin on an original cola. The whiskey of sodas. Perhaps it's even heavily implied that you should buy this cola to use as a mixer for your whiskey (maybe as a gateway, if you're too much of a kid and don't take your whiskey neat).</div>
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This 123 year old cola comes in a tall, slender can like a RedBull or Michelob Ultra. While none of the ads indicate that I should do pushups or jump off of a tall thing before drinking this, I might be required to have a library with many leatherbound books. The can is black and the font is olde tyme in some places and hip and modern in other places.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd3AVpionc8qum11okdswBCEKLgPvvAmOVVXjE-wDxFYKbIUMq1PEqsV_XwXzurBovX2rObIzIUqq95ENebARHLkYsalGrsBNskbWKH6eQk91pZPKREiV-R11OGS0UIHuc7b1I_Buw4Ts2/s1600/DSC03929.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd3AVpionc8qum11okdswBCEKLgPvvAmOVVXjE-wDxFYKbIUMq1PEqsV_XwXzurBovX2rObIzIUqq95ENebARHLkYsalGrsBNskbWKH6eQk91pZPKREiV-R11OGS0UIHuc7b1I_Buw4Ts2/s400/DSC03929.JPG" width="243" /></a></div>
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The sales pitch is printed right on the side. It reads: "Boldly blended cola made with: Kola nut extract, Dark brown malt flavor, A touch of aromatic bitters, Sparkling water, Real sugar."</div>
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Let's do a breakdown of those things to find out what we are putting into our body. I imagine that Kola nut extract is a liquid extracted from a Kola nut. Kola nuts are the fruit of the kola (cola) tree. They have a bitter flavor and contain caffeine. Most colas are based on the cola nut, though have moved on from the plant to artificial flavors. Presumably this cola has real kola flavor and real kola caffeine.</div>
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Dark brown malt flavor. In beer making a malt is a cereal grain that has been germinated and dried. The dark brown would probably come from roasting. This just says "flavor" though, so that could mean anything. Probably a syrup based on roasted malted grains. It would add flavor and sweetness.</div>
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A touch of aromatic bitters. "A touch" is an industry term for "barely any." I wonder if a spectrometer could isolate any bitters in this cola. Bitters is kind of a generic term and could be any sort of plant-based concoction. </div>
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Sparkling water. They say this to imply water from a naturally carbonated spring like Perrier. The main ingredient to regular pop is "carbonated water" that is force carbonated and this is probably no different. But it sparkles and sounds more natural and un-artificial!</div>
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Real sugar. Get outta here with that fake sugar bull snap! Again, sugar can be anything sweet. They probably mean, like, cane sugar though i.e. table sugar. </div>
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The contents get a little more intense, however, if you read the ingredients label.</div>
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The ingredients: Carbonated water, sugar*, caramel color, phosphoric acid, sodium citrate, natural flavor, potassium sorbate (preserves freshness), caffeine, gum arabic, kola nut extract. </div>
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The asterisked "sugar" later states "fair trade certified....excluding water, more than 80% fair trade certified ingredients." This is probably over 90% water, so 80% of 10% (or 8% total) ingredients are certified fair trade. And if you compare the ingredients to a standard can of Pepsi, they have remarkably similar ingredient lists. This is basically standard pop.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We use Blood Kola, but no Blood Sugar!</td></tr>
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I'm thinking that I should probably drink this at some point. Luckily I own cups that are roughly the same size and shape as the can (this is important).</div>
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Better put some "rocks" in there. That's what they called ice cubes back in the Victorian Era, when this soda was popular.</div>
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You can't see it in these pictures, but I used my sweet bird talon ice cube tongs to place the ice in the glass. It was like totally straight up baller af.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmYRv9oI5UMrkTxGeC-R6BzSm82OmF_T4RowYXU0W60c12zTEK7JATTG6SsSm_bAfNSOW1SvnED8-vIOiXUAHbxGQ5R8cmOfv2wwSAQwnHSOh6mtBfWYkN3YIZ7-BxOLzt0J1DY8AbpLXP/s1600/DSC03936.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmYRv9oI5UMrkTxGeC-R6BzSm82OmF_T4RowYXU0W60c12zTEK7JATTG6SsSm_bAfNSOW1SvnED8-vIOiXUAHbxGQ5R8cmOfv2wwSAQwnHSOh6mtBfWYkN3YIZ7-BxOLzt0J1DY8AbpLXP/s400/DSC03936.JPG" width="327" /></a></div>
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Up to this point I have successfully </div>
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<ul>
<li>Purchased the soda</li>
<li>Photographed the can of soda</li>
<li>Found a nice glass</li>
<li>Filled the glass with ice</li>
<li>Opened the soda</li>
<li>Poured soda into the glass</li>
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That is pretty much the best way to start a soda review. That is like a review of this review so far. Which gets the grade of A+ for reviewing sodas. And we're just getting started!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqRAe2WESgQ1eRYIUgADs2LYQpKdQb_BAUhrGdOFHCw9FJ74OBfflSPU6y8pqbs2HNlnJiRzSotFAiEizIMEiyl2GHZxsytUzPEFv7BPQJYHclPJkWz9zPWu5-7CbHrzpRT19tzCpNOmbM/s1600/DSC03941.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="363" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqRAe2WESgQ1eRYIUgADs2LYQpKdQb_BAUhrGdOFHCw9FJ74OBfflSPU6y8pqbs2HNlnJiRzSotFAiEizIMEiyl2GHZxsytUzPEFv7BPQJYHclPJkWz9zPWu5-7CbHrzpRT19tzCpNOmbM/s400/DSC03941.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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You've presumably read this far because you want to read actual thoughts on the Pepsi 1893 soda. Well I've got news for you: if you think you can read thoughts then go have successful relationships and learn how others secretly perceive you!</div>
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<b>Appearance</b>: You've seen my pour. This soda pours a nice cola-brown color. Presumably it gets its color from the "dark brown malt (flavor)" or perhaps it's the "caramel coloring" used in all brown soda pops. There is visible carbonation sparkling in the glass. So far this is meeting my expectations for a cola.</div>
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<b>Aroma</b>: Pepsi 1893 smells oddly cola-like. It smells vaguely like normal Pepsi, but somehow different. Like maybe it's Pepsi that's been in your grandma's garage refrigerator for 123 years. I dunno, what do I look like, a cola sniffer?</div>
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<b>Sound</b>: I hear bubbles popping. The sound reminds me of the bubbling mineral springs in Vergeze France.</div>
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<b>Handfeel</b>: I didn't touch the liquid. The cup is cold. I refrigerated the soda overnight beforehand and also filled the cup with ice cubes. Cold seems like the correct handfeel.</div>
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<b>Taste</b>: The moment for which we've all been waiting. </div>
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This is not good pop. It tastes watery and thin. Not in a good "i'm drinking healthy pop" way but in a "is this a dollar store Coke Zero knock-off" kinda way. Maybe they skimped on sugar to make it taste more like kola flavored mineral water. (LaCroix <i>is</i> all the rage these days afterall). This is bland and falls flat in every way except bubbles.</div>
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<b>Mouthfeel</b>: You know when you swallow a swig of soda pop and get a strange empty feeling in your mouth. I'm talking like a vacuum. More empty than if you just drank water. Like a bad Coke Zero. This drink does it. Yet it still leaves your teeth stinging with its acidity and sugar combo.</div>
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<b>Cost</b>: A can cost me $1.69 at the grocery store. For comparison, a 2-liter of cola (Pepsi) normally goes for around the same price. This is most definitely not a value buy. I have seen it for less after buying these cans but the price was still in the over $1 range. </div>
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<b>Overall</b>: I'm trying to figure out why they made this and how it got past the food scientists in its current iteration. Granted, I am not a soda drinker so maybe I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Or maybe I didn't have it during the correct circumstances. For instance a cold glass of lemonade on a hot summer day is a godsend, but try drinking that same cold lemonade in the dead of winter.</div>
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I mean, I tried to recreate a little set--a diorama--of what I pictured their ideal 1893 drinking setting might be.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVCrcwsdqh7dAXjIlxU3uk6icdIzRdQxY-OdCQHc-5wcJg5EpXQ8OehHePzdk840BJ8LNYrripJpSuJ_uNJIyKa1cA_I-amqeA8NZF6JS1L_TqaZfTP0tz2XAnwbcmUm8ytWSaHnwYujuT/s1600/DSC03920.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVCrcwsdqh7dAXjIlxU3uk6icdIzRdQxY-OdCQHc-5wcJg5EpXQ8OehHePzdk840BJ8LNYrripJpSuJ_uNJIyKa1cA_I-amqeA8NZF6JS1L_TqaZfTP0tz2XAnwbcmUm8ytWSaHnwYujuT/s320/DSC03920.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Not pictured: Chesterfield style leather chair)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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I've got dusty old books, fine art sculptures, cigar boxes, bird talon ice tongs, wood grain furniture, fresh ginger roots. What more can I do? Maybe I'm not taking their hint. Remember how I mentioned this wasn't intended to be consumed plain? Do you see any secret vials of possible unknown substances in my setup? Maybe the secret to unlocking the full potential of Pepsi 1893 is...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9xsyiJFfv5Ty4gIuuLegCRXphr4VcE6k-nywLrlEi-BUeoEYNl4wY7oNw64y4DDPKXLjQb5tp43TDZrgFPM3mW3n04chNsbzgyqHHuhc3IZynw9CJYl0JTnxuk1Vyh-Q6E4kCMvRZPp_v/s1600/DSC03937.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9xsyiJFfv5Ty4gIuuLegCRXphr4VcE6k-nywLrlEi-BUeoEYNl4wY7oNw64y4DDPKXLjQb5tp43TDZrgFPM3mW3n04chNsbzgyqHHuhc3IZynw9CJYl0JTnxuk1Vyh-Q6E4kCMvRZPp_v/s400/DSC03937.JPG" width="393" /></a></div>
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Liquid Courage, Mother's Milk, Nectar of the Gods, The Brown Stuff, Uncle Pappy's Whistle Juice, Daddy's Medicine, The Wizard's Sleeping Potion, The Ol' Boot Stomp Betty. That's right. Bourbon whiskey.</div>
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Don't go getting your panties in a bunch about wasting good bourbon on bad soda. I used bad bourbon too! Obviously this occasion necessitated a new glass. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6O1qERFcF8DYikNjxf-irVZxxh8MYWu8wuNZL2JDKFDjztGGYOouzFomNqLIsv_3RG9mFhQm6meTO0HLvnqmlKKVd97MVMg0zc4mJtmeiLhXAtzrScDJVeqHIzy3h0WE3e0q9MFZhmbwp/s1600/DSC03938.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6O1qERFcF8DYikNjxf-irVZxxh8MYWu8wuNZL2JDKFDjztGGYOouzFomNqLIsv_3RG9mFhQm6meTO0HLvnqmlKKVd97MVMg0zc4mJtmeiLhXAtzrScDJVeqHIzy3h0WE3e0q9MFZhmbwp/s400/DSC03938.JPG" width="265" /></a></div>
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And obviously: I have to apply a ye olde tyme photographic filter to make this appear 123 years old.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwlxBT911rinuTQsnGJ8DFblCH23IUwTV76DmUtktg00Fq5zhDwRmQa6FVD5mIkRt1s04p5zbL4v2pv2WuJiGFuuPp_ZlmWhcJ87O3p_ZltdQkWCt0D2BVSchoPpjfjLJKy4FGFWhQTg86/s1600/DSC03940.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="353" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwlxBT911rinuTQsnGJ8DFblCH23IUwTV76DmUtktg00Fq5zhDwRmQa6FVD5mIkRt1s04p5zbL4v2pv2WuJiGFuuPp_ZlmWhcJ87O3p_ZltdQkWCt0D2BVSchoPpjfjLJKy4FGFWhQTg86/s400/DSC03940.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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We're having fun now, right?<br />
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[Side note: My computer keyboard ran out of batteries and the sun is no longer charging the batteries (it <i>was</i> solar powered...) so I had to switch to my backup keyboard which has very stiff keys so it is very difficult to type fluidly with ease. For <strike>your</strike> my weak fingers' benefit, this review will be moderately abbreviated henceforth.]<br />
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1893: 4/10<br />
1893 with whiskey: 7/10<br />
1893 with rice: 0/10<br />
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Adding booze improved Pepsi 1893 by three points, nearly doubling its score to seven (7) out of ten (10)! And this might just be the booze talking, but I think I might be able to finish the can now. You look pretty. The complementary flavors of whiskey elevate the taste of Pepsi 1893 to that of a bad cocktail at a cool corporate event. That's exactly the demographic Pepsi wants to nail, I think. Maybe I should have used rum.<br />
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Maybe a dive bar would serve a drink with this taste. Except they wouldn't use a $1.69 can of trend soda. They'd use CVS Cola or whatever was nearby and cheap. That might even taste better.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="color: #444444;">If Pepsi really wanted to be cool and reach that The Youth demo, they would do something "outside the box" to engage the cyberminds of Millennial soda drinkers--like, for instance, they could literally print large emojis on their labels. Hey, printing common names on the labels worked for Coca-Cola, this is sure to land!</span></i></blockquote>
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<h4>
Pepsi 1893 Ginger Cola</h4>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgsuxn_oBtkBjMCGAJBbp8s6tt8bPCBmfQhYuJKLkAzI-gtd_m4YZAevV4c8fg7vXwKWwr0vhewnd5K2LwYSncCYPoU524_jZInjf_sVm3tdc0wsL9Eo4Q0F1yc2nRmyRPVeyYMUQZd5W_/s1600/kick-a-ginger-day-victim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgsuxn_oBtkBjMCGAJBbp8s6tt8bPCBmfQhYuJKLkAzI-gtd_m4YZAevV4c8fg7vXwKWwr0vhewnd5K2LwYSncCYPoU524_jZInjf_sVm3tdc0wsL9Eo4Q0F1yc2nRmyRPVeyYMUQZd5W_/s1600/kick-a-ginger-day-victim.jpg" /></a></div>
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I originally planned to make this into two separate reviews, but I'm pretty fatigued with Pepsi at the moment and decided to make the Ginger Pepsi 1893 a footnote to the main review. Because it's basically the same review except it tastes a little bit like ginger.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOCBFlG6XkH852WcsfGPt1LDvnjU3Ca-e_B9CFyJ1bCUXha5PUb5yDswmAFAMGxTvvPpVcrxIdXCxni8ZLEMMC589i33tkYYNERnr5FM30qt51vDTNyaq2RtnB-4i0-095q6zPmi1QEcXj/s1600/DSC03931.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOCBFlG6XkH852WcsfGPt1LDvnjU3Ca-e_B9CFyJ1bCUXha5PUb5yDswmAFAMGxTvvPpVcrxIdXCxni8ZLEMMC589i33tkYYNERnr5FM30qt51vDTNyaq2RtnB-4i0-095q6zPmi1QEcXj/s320/DSC03931.JPG" width="256" /></a></div>
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Ginger is a cool herb that is really popular. The ginger root is used in Chinese medicine for health because it is shaped like a little man. Maybe you've gotten some slices of pickled ginger in your tray of grocery store sushi and it sits there in the corner all pink and wet and you're not quite sure what you're supposed to do with it so you waggle it around a little with your chopsticks and pretty much save it for "dessert." Ginger is also used in the popular Millennial cocktail "The Moscow Mule" or as cool places call it "Russian Donkey." </div>
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<b><span style="color: #444444;">Critical Thinking Exercise:</span></b> Why does the author place so much emphasis on "cool" and "popular?" (5 pts)</div>
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The Moscow Mule is made with ginger beer, vodka, lime/juice, and consumed from a copper mug not entirely dissimilar from the pepsi1893gingercola can in aesthetic. I'll bet that was intentional--those jeniouses over at Pepsi.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT4ltGGC7hDbGI4SvMfm3gh2tdu_UCBOhCeFv9pPAErhwASxNzRo2rsGK7xgD9pbkj2sI1v0sQcL-LMLv7hsDvgmlI3k4330o5Yfs-0yeUqd5QjnyVScrJQ2wq6DRdscTAWdGWQwXu759M/s1600/Moscow-Mule-Mugs-for-Gluten-Free-Moscow-Mules.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT4ltGGC7hDbGI4SvMfm3gh2tdu_UCBOhCeFv9pPAErhwASxNzRo2rsGK7xgD9pbkj2sI1v0sQcL-LMLv7hsDvgmlI3k4330o5Yfs-0yeUqd5QjnyVScrJQ2wq6DRdscTAWdGWQwXu759M/s400/Moscow-Mule-Mugs-for-Gluten-Free-Moscow-Mules.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tito's Handmade Vodka is a delicious and affordable way to create high quality cocktails like the Russian Donkey. Look for it in the vodka aisle of your favorite alcohol store.</td></tr>
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So that's what I think Pepsi is going after here. Designer artisinal soda pops are picking up in general and many of them use root plants as a base. Sassafras, sarsaparilla, ginger, carrot, potato, etc. But at the same time they don't want to alienate their bread and butter, the good ol' traditional American folk who want an ice cold cola after a long hard day of work. These good ol' Americans don't go for none'a that fru-fru stuff. Just gimme a regular ol' Pepsi from a can that's how I like it thankuverymuch. I see you Pepsi. I know you in your heart. Hire me. No, for like the meetings and brainstorms, not for stacking the boxes in the store to look like a pokemon.</div>
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<b>How Does It Taste?</b></div>
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Good! Not like <i>good</i>-good, but like <i>compared-to-the-plain-flavor-</i>good. It tastes essentially the same as regular Pepsi 1893 with a hint of ginger flavor. But I tell ya, they got that ginger flavor right. It tastes like real fresh grated ginger. It's just a touch of flavor and not over powering and makes the soda ever so slightly more refreshing and unique. </div>
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I would buy the orange can version over the black can version if someone forced me to buy one of these again. Pepsi should expand upon this and make Cherry Coke, Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper, Lime Coke, and so on but all in small expensive single-unit cans. And they should print QR codes on the can and when you scan them with your Apple iPhone 7 the code takes you to a website with adorable kitten gifs. Oh, and you know how like there are those birthday cards that when you open them they play a song? The cans should be like that except when you pop the tab it starts playing a song. I dunno, like Katy Perry or Raffi or whatever kids listen to.</div>
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Let me show you some pictures of the orange (gold?) can. (Black and Gold, huh, are these sold at Heinz Field for probably $9 a can?)</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC4NbaNjiz-_11XmwG4YfnYB468bY7a3h5THbg8VP5GvEu-ytpYxZERWyXA62BZqyWbId3_SeDcfioJRdu8tYdTTDwm6wvgg1RUzzVOURUI9u7utckh8JAVFNL_vANwCDR72I_VLCvkntV/s1600/DSC03924.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC4NbaNjiz-_11XmwG4YfnYB468bY7a3h5THbg8VP5GvEu-ytpYxZERWyXA62BZqyWbId3_SeDcfioJRdu8tYdTTDwm6wvgg1RUzzVOURUI9u7utckh8JAVFNL_vANwCDR72I_VLCvkntV/s320/DSC03924.JPG" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remind me to fire my photographer for messing up the shoot by putting a thumbprint in the condensation.</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy9zKr_CQQgdsKaOKjyAO9BXfMJihY_ZYZu6jnauBVDHfzP4RSqrmJm7-9-ORd06tM72W5DH8-lzw0-81jxDbQcWKj_jgDvCpT2xJWteqVFKyIga0snxzrUpeM3GkZxaObYqQBKv_T3iDx/s1600/DSC03933.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy9zKr_CQQgdsKaOKjyAO9BXfMJihY_ZYZu6jnauBVDHfzP4RSqrmJm7-9-ORd06tM72W5DH8-lzw0-81jxDbQcWKj_jgDvCpT2xJWteqVFKyIga0snxzrUpeM3GkZxaObYqQBKv_T3iDx/s320/DSC03933.JPG" width="220" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVVaqqrRkm2Owh0-wXA1eYoxpPTtnwysg6IKnEfoBlife1l6nMt5LMy70LAjgrWSv7N_I0rrPukyyRvXwANo9GQ584G1iEDJmoUC7WL4C7GW6jqMQhhusnaI6QlSokNam16KZntzmPDAmP/s1600/DSC03934.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVVaqqrRkm2Owh0-wXA1eYoxpPTtnwysg6IKnEfoBlife1l6nMt5LMy70LAjgrWSv7N_I0rrPukyyRvXwANo9GQ584G1iEDJmoUC7WL4C7GW6jqMQhhusnaI6QlSokNam16KZntzmPDAmP/s320/DSC03934.JPG" width="201" /></a></div>
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As you can see: quite similar.</div>
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Final Thoughts</h4>
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I applaud the Pepsi company for trying to stay relevant in what surely is a doomed market (see: NY soda ban). However, this is a miss. Honestly, who even drinks Pepsi? They must stay alive through corporate deals with restaurants like KFC. I don't want to take sides, but have you ever been to an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet and asked for a Pepsi and the manager politely informs you that she's sorry but they only have Coca-Cola, will that be alright and then your eyes glaze over a little and you answer with a quiet sight and a dejected yes?</div>
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And for all the people who do willfully purchase cans of Pepsi, this is probably not on the shopping list. I don't know, maybe I don't know as much about pop drinkers and The American Consumer as I think I do. After all, obesity statistics seem to indicate that soda pop is a staple in the American diet. That aside, either get real small batch artisinal soda from your local ma&pa shop or just keep getting standard cola.</div>
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I do see this as an interesting half-step in drink trends. La Croix is huge right now (maybe because a Kardashian drinks it on tv?) and the bubbled water craze is hitting a new peak, the likes of which we haven't seen since Perrier and Andre Agassi. And just as alcoholic soda pops are getting a couple seats on the beer bleachers, so too are alcoholic sparkling waters. I want to get into those in depth so will save all of my clever musings for a future article. The beverages market is great--huge and diverse--and it excites me.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<b>Pepsi 1893 Black Can: 4/10</b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<b>Pepsi 1893 Gold Can: 4.5/10</b></div>
</div>
#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-32863171356425099562016-04-24T17:56:00.001-04:002016-04-24T17:56:28.998-04:00Cracker Review: Nabisco Triscuit Smoked Gouda Flavor<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUT6_VWWhJiL1iwCGtGtcCcDUyW9hzeda2vW-e4chvpWMEpiqrfk6g7oCYjMIJ-_tlLXZgYUX8l-Z39gAYbcpxLDd2a1nuwMRxdcXjAWcfzGqQZPMHpsOPawfWMkFQoishf5eMvQbAMgXu/s1600/DSC03905.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="328" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUT6_VWWhJiL1iwCGtGtcCcDUyW9hzeda2vW-e4chvpWMEpiqrfk6g7oCYjMIJ-_tlLXZgYUX8l-Z39gAYbcpxLDd2a1nuwMRxdcXjAWcfzGqQZPMHpsOPawfWMkFQoishf5eMvQbAMgXu/s400/DSC03905.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Attractive three-quarters view of the box of crackers</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<u><b>Introduction</b></u><br />
<u><b><br /></b></u>
For many of us crackers are an important part of daily life. From breakfast to all-day snacking to hosting outrageous and/or classy parties/sorties, crackers are there for us. Remember when you were a kid and you were sick? Your mom gave you crackers. Remember when you wanted to eat a brick of cheese but felt socially embarrassed to just go for it? Crackers.<br />
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Crackers aren't usually expensive--maybe a few dollars for a box--but there are so many varieties that you'll never try them all. Even such a small investment can be a huge risk when it comes to crackers. What if you don't like the flavor? There is so much that can go wrong. The possibilities for failure, like varieties of crackers, seem literally endless.<br />
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That's why I'm here. To taste your crackers for you and then give you an indication as to whether or not it's worth buying and eating that variety of cracker. But the decision to do so is still up to you! That's the beauty of free will. Or is free will an illusion? I'll have to ask my psychic what she thinks.<br />
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There's one thing that I don't have to ask my psychic about, though, and that's a question of how thorough this review will be. The answer is: quite so. A <strike>secondary effect</strike> feature of a <strike>rambling incoherent</strike> thoughtful and thorough review is length. Thank Al Gore (inventor of the Internet) for jump breaks. Click on, brave reader, to the full review!<br />
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<b><u>Box Art</u></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEecl_tnVJoKLYhFPuOw2bEZFtpDU36gZEC3-rk2eh-1ZOh3paESpBpGV7lk2Ez8MjdR7FG_LAto_cwbpIFd-s2orVXVSOY7nC5HtDXuTNBmJgyeeBD9S1AGynGJ26IWwkdjS-IvNqzwcP/s1600/DSC03906.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEecl_tnVJoKLYhFPuOw2bEZFtpDU36gZEC3-rk2eh-1ZOh3paESpBpGV7lk2Ez8MjdR7FG_LAto_cwbpIFd-s2orVXVSOY7nC5HtDXuTNBmJgyeeBD9S1AGynGJ26IWwkdjS-IvNqzwcP/s640/DSC03906.JPG" width="416" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Front of cracker box. This is what you will see in the store on the cracker shelf.</td></tr>
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People go to school for years for the opportunity to design cracker boxes. Whole teams of people decide on what a cracker box should look like. The above image is the result of hours upon hours of work and meetings; late nights and deadlines. Looking at the box will tell you a lot about the cracker, even if it tells you nothing.<br />
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How many fonts can you count? How many typefaces? And it's not even until the bottom of the box that the reader knows that this is a box of crackers. I mean, besides knowing what one of the most popular crackers in the world is named (Triscuit) and also finding it in the cracker aisle. But if you didn't know, you might think it was a box of cheese, or a wood platter for serving cheese.</div>
<div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPuhZz9HgcUVo19w1jYIPeAMdoMRQQDPwR2cU8t6npoCMCbv-LlXWka6RyLgeauWVJKuhFxd74glRZaLtRksTKgP_T1doYVnpF6Ayfc3jN6Yn0dVi-522ioTOzENqJ74XCQDJBvA3DxhKn/s1600/doritos+bag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPuhZz9HgcUVo19w1jYIPeAMdoMRQQDPwR2cU8t6npoCMCbv-LlXWka6RyLgeauWVJKuhFxd74glRZaLtRksTKgP_T1doYVnpF6Ayfc3jN6Yn0dVi-522ioTOzENqJ74XCQDJBvA3DxhKn/s200/doritos+bag.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Exhibit A</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
Well it's a cracker. Obviously it's a square cracker. Look at the dots on the i's in Triscuit. Look at the square behind the Triscuit label. They pulled that design concept straight from the pages of Doritos (see: Exhibit A). Look at the large orange-red square with jagged cracker-like edges advertising SMOKED GOUDA. I was hoping that the box designer had enough wherewithal to make the orange square the actual size of one of the crackers, but alas. The orange square is larger. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I want to add a short paragraph here for formatting reasons. So I will draw your attention to the NET WT of 9OZ on the box. Triscuit varieties can, uh, vary in their content's weight so your price per cracker can change depending on which flavor you buy. 9 ounces is the same as a standard box of unflavored Triscuits, though, so you aren't being scammed here. Never buy the REDUCED FAT TRISCUITS. Those are only a 7oz box and they taste worse (somehow both chewier and drier). </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Also in small type toward the bottom is a sentence implying that if you only eat Triscuit crackers and eat them in moderate quantities, your heart health will improve. Then they show you just what you're getting health-wise in a 6 cracker serving. Only 120 calories! You would only have to walk approximately 1 mile to burn off the calories in 1 serving of Triscuit crackers.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
SMOKED GOUDA natural flavor with other natural flavor. How's that for vague? But let's be honest, if you really cared about that you would make your own crackers at home. (I've tried it and it's generally not worth the effort)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Most of all, however, check out their serving suggesting. Stack up four crackers and then top them with pear, bacon, and pepper jelly. Yeah I'm going to put that much effort into eating crackers. I mean, how would I even go about creating something like that?</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVayTnhPWzS5R8581o0u1j98VHIoJyWs6bEH8eyFYMhpU4wANP3kjGNrJfmgb3aSv-IU1wsHQCyKLjrsu-vhwDFgpaM4JppgU9_emkCZvJQI40NNk9puZfG-MPGFBySnaDQcXeCpCQ9jBr/s1600/DSC03907.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVayTnhPWzS5R8581o0u1j98VHIoJyWs6bEH8eyFYMhpU4wANP3kjGNrJfmgb3aSv-IU1wsHQCyKLjrsu-vhwDFgpaM4JppgU9_emkCZvJQI40NNk9puZfG-MPGFBySnaDQcXeCpCQ9jBr/s640/DSC03907.JPG" width="227" /></a></div>
<div>
Luckily, the clever people at Nabisco thought of that and included directions on the side of the box. Build "delicious" in three easy steps. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
(i've grown pretty fatigued of noun-as-verb ("i'm going to <i>science </i>the sh*t out of this" --the martian. or, "i'm <i>adulting </i>so hard" --feeble millennials) and adjective-as-noun ("3 steps to <i>delicious</i>") language trends)</div>
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<div>
Let's follow along with those instructions to see how easy it really is to arrive at delicious.</div>
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<div>
<u>Steps to Delicious</u></div>
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<br /></div>
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0.</div>
<div>
A. Buy Triscuit crackers</div>
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B. Open Triscuit crackers</div>
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C. Place desired amount of crackers on plate</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
1.</div>
<div>
A. Buy a pear</div>
<div>
i. Wait until pear is desired ripeness</div>
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B. Slice pear</div>
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i. (optional) use towel to absorb extra pear juice to avoid making cracker mushy</div>
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C. Place pear slice on cracker</div>
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<br /></div>
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2.</div>
<div>
A. Buy bacon</div>
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B. Prepare bacon</div>
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i. Place pan on oven range and turn heat to Low-Med</div>
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ii. Cook bacon on both sides until desired crispness</div>
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iii. Drain excess grease from bacon</div>
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C. Cut bacon into cracker-sized pieces</div>
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D. Place bacon on pear slice on cracker</div>
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3.</div>
<div>
A. Buy (or make?) hot pepper jelly</div>
<div>
i. What even is hot pepper jelly? Where do I get this? It's definitely not something I already just have on hand in my refrigerator.</div>
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B. Top cracker with hot pepper jelly</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
As you can see, there are some sub-steps to "delicious" that aren't quite as simple and quick as the box would have you believe. None of the steps include cheese. Presumably you won't need it because the cracker already tastes like cheese. That's why I bought these right? Because I'm too lazy to add even a slice of cheese to a regular cracker. Why go through all that trouble?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Additionally, it bothers me that Triscuit tries so hard to convince you that there are so many great things you can do with a Triscuit cracker. It's like they have low self-esteem and think that the cracker can't stand on its own, but needs to be made into a mini-pizza or tapas or something to be enjoyed (how come it's enjoyed and not enjoied like the past-tense of other words that end with y?). The signature of a good cracker is its ability to be eaten singularly without all the fixin's. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Nabsico: why put all the effort into making flavors if you are supposed to add toppings anyways? Just get a regular Triscuit and add a slice of Gouda cheese before completing the 3 easy steps to delicious. I want to look Triscuit Cracker in the eyes and tell her, "you ARE good enough. You are <i>already </i>a delicious, flavorful snack. Now get out there and show 'em what you got!"</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<u><b>Back of the Box</b></u></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKawQGWOufi1wN6xPIwYHbwHNgh9p_2lALVsM_2G9-ojK-hy9-R_wHsF9Cy1D7zjkHkppRKAcficViUSiN4Gm0OehPb5xyR5SILn_e1jNJO2_SNhDFGCI_Dwb4dTvZM5-jhIQ48ONmC6X/s1600/DSC03908.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFKawQGWOufi1wN6xPIwYHbwHNgh9p_2lALVsM_2G9-ojK-hy9-R_wHsF9Cy1D7zjkHkppRKAcficViUSiN4Gm0OehPb5xyR5SILn_e1jNJO2_SNhDFGCI_Dwb4dTvZM5-jhIQ48ONmC6X/s640/DSC03908.JPG" width="451" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You probably can't tell in this photo, but this print job is out of alignment. I hope someone was fired.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMpnFC1bxR6sAsj45xTfBqtvCRrVEbyXudJru2H8QH2uWK8lCzNIBohODI5w_AsuLhgvtMEhPeu3T-3FsRf3FvGqn0UTLeC8tvXvxn4p_dSoO6KwvRm6rezGJST6I3UtVmYOnt108ahQ4J/s1600/rachel+ray.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMpnFC1bxR6sAsj45xTfBqtvCRrVEbyXudJru2H8QH2uWK8lCzNIBohODI5w_AsuLhgvtMEhPeu3T-3FsRf3FvGqn0UTLeC8tvXvxn4p_dSoO6KwvRm6rezGJST6I3UtVmYOnt108ahQ4J/s200/rachel+ray.jpg" width="193" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">pronounced: mmmmmduhlaaaaahhssshhh</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
The rear of the box shows another unnecessary recipe to turn your crackers into "pizza" with Brussels sprouts. As <a href="https://youtu.be/wRF_lewLjAM" target="_blank">Rachel Ray would say</a>, "mmmmmmunnnnghhh! mwaaah! delish!" </div>
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<div>
This recipe appears to be more complex because it doesn't tell you how many easy steps there are and it involves using an oven. You might want to ask your parents for help with this one.</div>
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Obviously you'll want to share your creation on Pinterest. Is that really the demographic of the typical Triscuit consumer? [CraxxerzLuv like your post] </div>
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[CraxxerzLuv is now following your board "Fancy Snacks"]</div>
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[Get the Pinterest app! Download now on iTunes or Google Play!]</div>
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[You must be logged in to view this page] </div>
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<div>
<b><u>Are These Crackers Health Food?</u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKIZfgWS8v5hnqTCOQTXLvS9zirVlgPXJs0tQefPaHkKOCFOuU6Ua2oRm3hv6h9-6ShqE69AtwMNsFKbeGT5he3jVLIwFw-_-j6NsRzjV8-M3jRjiy37jwsayZqBXT97RottJGMueNdRYr/s1600/DSC03909.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKIZfgWS8v5hnqTCOQTXLvS9zirVlgPXJs0tQefPaHkKOCFOuU6Ua2oRm3hv6h9-6ShqE69AtwMNsFKbeGT5he3jVLIwFw-_-j6NsRzjV8-M3jRjiy37jwsayZqBXT97RottJGMueNdRYr/s400/DSC03909.JPG" width="162" /></a></div>
<div>
Now it's time to face the jury. Is this snack food going to give me a six-pack of abdominal muscles, or is it going to engorge my succulent fupa? I'm talking Nutrition FACTS. They're listed right on the side of the box.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Serving size: 6 crackas</div>
<div>
Servings per container: About 9</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
54ish crackers per box. This box has a normal Kroger price of $2.77, though is frequently on sale. So that's about 5.13 cents per cracker. If a guy approached me in the streets and offered me a single cracker for the "low low" price of a nickel I'd tell the guy to get lost. It really makes you think about the value of a dollar. Thanks, Obama. Legalize $15/hr min. wage!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You don't need me to sit here and type at you all the values listed on the box. Just go ahead and click on it, you savvy consumer, and find out how eating an entire box of crackers all at once will affect your health. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Just keep in mind that these nutritional FACTS are before you add all of the ingredients for your Brussels Sprouts pizza crackers or pepper jelly bacon pear crackers. Bacon, for instance, is known to be high in fat content. And sodium. Bacon <i>will </i>give you stomach cancer. <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=opera&q=bacon+stomach+cancer&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8" target="_blank">That is a FACT</a>.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><u>Of What Are These Crackers Made?</u></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Im glad u axed. Because I took the trouble to isolate the ingredients list just to post it for your reading pleasure. Triscuit Smoked Gouda flavored woven wheat crackers are made of these:</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh55TNHtfO-wBw12PYIqcV4UdwzKPCLpPv01GX9nlqYnlRHf9AXfJ8joEfsxel8u8jZyz6brra4BmvFYBA6-3bZuehoL7A0fdXOgQQ5qbEAgJRbDR9jVWOdqWjEjlZJ4ACEDDnAElfgLgAI/s1600/ingredients.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh55TNHtfO-wBw12PYIqcV4UdwzKPCLpPv01GX9nlqYnlRHf9AXfJ8joEfsxel8u8jZyz6brra4BmvFYBA6-3bZuehoL7A0fdXOgQQ5qbEAgJRbDR9jVWOdqWjEjlZJ4ACEDDnAElfgLgAI/s1600/ingredients.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who am I to disagree?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
Pretty interesting IMHO. FYI, Std. Triscuits are wheat,oil,salt. So everything else you're reading is to make that juicy, creamy, smoked Gouda cheese flavor and/or stabilize the flavor additive. <a href="https://youtu.be/nxJtjg6PvSw" target="_blank">Here is a youtube video on how to make your very own liquid smoke extract</a>. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You'll notice that the box mentions <i>nothing</i> about cheddar flavors, yet there it is right in the ingredients. It is also interesting to note that they use yeast extract and malted barley flour to contribute to the aged/fermented cheezy flavor. Conceivably, a person so motivated <a href="http://byo.com/hops/item/484-confessions-of-a-cereal-brewer" target="_blank">might be able to brew a beer</a> with these crackers. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><u>Conspiracy?</u></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There's one last thing I want to show you on the box before we start eating these and reviewing the actual cracker. Check out the "Best by" date on the lid of the box.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2K3NHbAP5Fp22PHx1LTzPRp3H_8k6PYL2ZSnvatQZZ4_thBD0MB3gXvgOsRGdp37_sMwMMBsCuJcI63iFFRcruH-eiYXKgHU1_qG6ljVLWdg6iRxhWHCdpeEdWuUqMEeF4vQslaYMa3Tq/s1600/DSC03910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2K3NHbAP5Fp22PHx1LTzPRp3H_8k6PYL2ZSnvatQZZ4_thBD0MB3gXvgOsRGdp37_sMwMMBsCuJcI63iFFRcruH-eiYXKgHU1_qG6ljVLWdg6iRxhWHCdpeEdWuUqMEeF4vQslaYMa3Tq/s400/DSC03910.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Notice anything? Maybe a familiar looking date?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I swear someone from the government is monitoring everything I do. They are following me and silently influencing my life. But also giving me clues, as a subtle way to mess with my head. Look at that date: 21 September 2016. If that seems familiar to you it should. Remember 11 September 2001, aka 9/11? Aside from Europeans invading the native Americas, the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center buildings in NYC are the largest foreign terrorist attacks in America [citation needed]. Ten days. Fifteen years. 01-09-10-11-15-16...The numbers are there. You do the math.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
<div>
<b><u>Eating The Crackers</u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Finally, right? I promise I don't get paid per word. I am just really passionate not only about Triscuit crackers, but also the lifestyle of the <i>cracker subculture</i>.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGm9PmzTGV0S-2Ju7UjP30hTJHbcSXbFmq3cQetkEKeVN0BbRYI5eipI6aES26wUS21gOGOJ_J8QW-yQ2QLyNJVQ6hxRkl6VBjMs2SnYhoGPVGXMUIyj54IlJmpwN-dghXrHZpV6GlbogN/s1600/DSC03913.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGm9PmzTGV0S-2Ju7UjP30hTJHbcSXbFmq3cQetkEKeVN0BbRYI5eipI6aES26wUS21gOGOJ_J8QW-yQ2QLyNJVQ6hxRkl6VBjMs2SnYhoGPVGXMUIyj54IlJmpwN-dghXrHZpV6GlbogN/s400/DSC03913.JPG" width="388" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm on a single cracker per day diet. It is terrible.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Like most normal, civilized people I put my crackers onto a plate before eating them. Only an animal would eat a cracker straight from the box or put them into a <strike>trough</strike> bowl. Were you raised in a barn?<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Let's get a closer look at these fine specimens.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQtWVn-sKZqB0Ld98pnFEinV1Xi0pDky9pveYojZoXMjA9mxxPwT8RCcMp5bPe2CYwlTxFVUOc_1U-3ojer9ohXxOVTKOel633x4Z5LMnHuo2yaWDH6LjPMmS_PwmexNa-gdkO-PztO55L/s1600/DSC03911.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="366" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQtWVn-sKZqB0Ld98pnFEinV1Xi0pDky9pveYojZoXMjA9mxxPwT8RCcMp5bPe2CYwlTxFVUOc_1U-3ojer9ohXxOVTKOel633x4Z5LMnHuo2yaWDH6LjPMmS_PwmexNa-gdkO-PztO55L/s400/DSC03911.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can see the flavor powder nestled among the warp and weft of woven wheat</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiY7nBneyid1ctCTbjJay_CpYY_UtuHY17IylE5ObbIytoo4zU1OgnFroxzpwNeoj0EltbcVFq3QFM65rv4G4AKs8SEJ1ahyNgnKs6ntEo8Ut5QLozpjTYsHZWzRezFfYBU-Hrr7CtD-bY/s1600/DSC03912.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiY7nBneyid1ctCTbjJay_CpYY_UtuHY17IylE5ObbIytoo4zU1OgnFroxzpwNeoj0EltbcVFq3QFM65rv4G4AKs8SEJ1ahyNgnKs6ntEo8Ut5QLozpjTYsHZWzRezFfYBU-Hrr7CtD-bY/s400/DSC03912.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now that is a thick, luscious cracker just begging for teeth to destroy it</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Appearance</b>: These look like standard Triscuits. They are square with each side measuring, probably, about 1-3/4 inches. The crackers have that signature weave of wheat, making them look like tiny flat baskets of sorts. The color is the same golden brown as regular Triscuits and appears to be relatively unchanged from the addition of flavor powder. You can also see flavor powder, as noted above.<br />
<br />
<b>Aroma</b>: You've got to get these right up to your schnoz to smell them and find a patch of flavor powder to really get a whiff of the good stuff. It smells smoky and almost like ham. Maybe we can call it a hickory smoked ham aroma. If I close my eyes and pretend I'm at the cheese store then, yeah, it smells like smoked gouda cheese. I can almost see the dark brown rind in my mind. There isn't any kind of distinctive cracker aroma that comes through the flavor powder.<br />
<br />
<b>Finger Feel</b>: The crackers are slightly oily, but leave more flavor powder on your fingers than anything else. It isn't like Cheetos level of finger powder. Not even as bad as some of the other flavored Triscuits. You'll probably want a shirt sleeve nearby, though, especially if you are doing something else with your fingers. Although, I guess there would be less powder on my fingers if I were eating these properly--as in, picking them up by the sides (off my plate) to keep the Brussels Sprouts Pizza from sliding onto the front of my really nice shirt (the sleeves of which I am using to wipe my dusty gouda fingers).<br />
<br />
<b>Taste</b>: These actually taste a lot like smoked Gouda cheese. If you chew one up and let it sit in your mouth, the inside of your mouth thinks it may have eaten a Triscuit with a slice of smoked Gouda on it it--flavorwise. This is more than I can say for some of their other flavors. The Brown Rice Tomato and Sweet Basil Triscuit crackers, for instance, are gardeny and herby and definitely are evocative of those flavors, but it still tastes like powders of those flavors and not the actual taste of eating tomatoes with basil. So they did pretty well with the Smoked Gouda.<br />
<br />
That's the nature of the beast with powdered flavorings. Even if they nail the essence of the flavor, it still isn't quite as good as the real thing. What ever is, though? Which brings us to:<br />
<br />
<b>Mouthfeel</b>: Right away your mouth knows it's eating a name-brand cracker. It has the same familiar crunch as a regular Triscuit which is far superior to store-brand woven wheat crackers. The cracker breaks up easily under tooth pressure and is just oily enough to not absorb all of your saliva and dry the mouth. Having the flavor powder on there is a little off-putting. I don't like it on initial cracker entry. Once it is mashed up after a few chews is when it feels best in my mouth. Yes, you <i>feel</i> like you ate a cheese covered cracker when all you've really done is eat a plain cracker.<br />
<br />
<b>Overall</b>: I would say that overall this is an unnecessary addition to the Triscuit portfolio of flavors. It is nice they added a cheese instead of another frou-frou "Tomato-bisque au lait avec les parsnips de jardin" kind of flavor. And they did this one pretty well, as flavors go. It's just the powder, you guyz. That ruins it for me. I like the flavors where another herb or spice is integrated into the grain of the cracker itself. Like the Rye with Caraway Seeds flavor. Otherwise, don't mess with it. Stop trying to make crackers into chips. Don't cross the aisle. Get your ideas team in check, Nabisco. Or should I say, Mondelez Global LLC? I need to cross reference the Panama Papers to see what this Mondelez corp is up to.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Getting Crazy With My Bad Self</u></b><br />
<br />
I didn't have any pepper jelly, bacon, pears, fresh Brussels sprouts, or ricotta cheese on hand to try out the box's recommended recipes. But I couldn't just eat plain crackers all night now could I?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWtTSoCYrOWhYj6n2pgQI8SH5B_MJ-8dJ1NqaPfIs0Tfcuz7uiwvtUHYRJd9FrElYnX6rtgKhxS7v_wP8VOHB_3gnwG2T3MKzJBa-S-LoawKvea18HOhS1NV9QxjMA8D7vM2Fev8RtxT7c/s1600/DSC03914.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="347" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWtTSoCYrOWhYj6n2pgQI8SH5B_MJ-8dJ1NqaPfIs0Tfcuz7uiwvtUHYRJd9FrElYnX6rtgKhxS7v_wP8VOHB_3gnwG2T3MKzJBa-S-LoawKvea18HOhS1NV9QxjMA8D7vM2Fev8RtxT7c/s400/DSC03914.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Try it with store brand Colby Jack cheese</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I tried it with a small slice of Colby Jack cheese. It was an improvement. Because the Gouda flavor bonds to the real cheese to give a better overall mouth experience while retaining the custom Smoked Gouda flavor. Plus, it's cheese y'all!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHx6G2bo1BRHonQDW_M64YuBsAyHeDUTmxnIANqD9ENgBXhVi3k8TVPO5LJSqEiTKQHyu-gnzVxL7Jo-1X_AnujSavPi-IjGHBmgfvsiCS8qHbkSmaOAE1IjEek1jYimbfgsTCc-2457y9/s1600/DSC03915.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="371" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHx6G2bo1BRHonQDW_M64YuBsAyHeDUTmxnIANqD9ENgBXhVi3k8TVPO5LJSqEiTKQHyu-gnzVxL7Jo-1X_AnujSavPi-IjGHBmgfvsiCS8qHbkSmaOAE1IjEek1jYimbfgsTCc-2457y9/s400/DSC03915.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Try it with fresh avocado</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Next, I tried it with fresh avocado. Most of this avocado was brown and over-ripe, otherwise I totally would have used a more attractive slice. This tasted really good. The creaminess of the avocado is a great balance to the powdery cheese. If I closed my eyes I might be in Chile, or wherever avocados and cheese are popular. California?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA5CYuO9vj7GhBWc49wttlNsEJCpYl_wpVt6zuL9RyHVMzB1j9U8hZCm7w1WvKmDKUI37oag6TQ4xtBp1K_IjhMMwlmhVyTDSXJAXRCBmq3iaa6GpLGP51MD2Zcue1unWXzj6mqRqk_5MP/s1600/DSC03916.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA5CYuO9vj7GhBWc49wttlNsEJCpYl_wpVt6zuL9RyHVMzB1j9U8hZCm7w1WvKmDKUI37oag6TQ4xtBp1K_IjhMMwlmhVyTDSXJAXRCBmq3iaa6GpLGP51MD2Zcue1unWXzj6mqRqk_5MP/s400/DSC03916.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You guessed it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then I had to try it with both cheese and avocado. This was less good than each ingredient separately. There was too much going on--too many competing textures. This was so Cali tho. Should I start surfing?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifhk5cGiUQXnhFaiSSxcGOD2G8eBwur-KBb0IEsHMo2q46rHE8UUi2N0Y5BraGm8Qjrg1dzYcp8vHtVhkk7kj6xa2rxJzpfacSFrI-WzE8bGVcYyvzKU5f39zQMFsznZpxwRQ1d5UKQA-I/s1600/DSC03918.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifhk5cGiUQXnhFaiSSxcGOD2G8eBwur-KBb0IEsHMo2q46rHE8UUi2N0Y5BraGm8Qjrg1dzYcp8vHtVhkk7kj6xa2rxJzpfacSFrI-WzE8bGVcYyvzKU5f39zQMFsznZpxwRQ1d5UKQA-I/s400/DSC03918.JPG" width="356" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Speaking of Cali, baby: delicious hot sauce</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm so left coast. Would a couple drops of Tapatio bring this Triscuit to the next level? Not really. This wasn't that great. It's certainly no oyster crackers and Skyline hot sauce. Yeah you heard me, Gold Star.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqJlBCyhbsqAvpF0dm2e30PnLuZQnO2rXvQhW2EngoQa2swVM0QuZ7VuqkHjdyFJCabF8-QWeZGrryEWVmP_iMRBzKkzHED4lw-IoPPOVfyv0FUHrWXLGYxnmwKVMlqQ1A-YJtkytTA2N0/s1600/DSC03917.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqJlBCyhbsqAvpF0dm2e30PnLuZQnO2rXvQhW2EngoQa2swVM0QuZ7VuqkHjdyFJCabF8-QWeZGrryEWVmP_iMRBzKkzHED4lw-IoPPOVfyv0FUHrWXLGYxnmwKVMlqQ1A-YJtkytTA2N0/s400/DSC03917.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Melted mozzarella</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Hot cheese was a good idea. Has melted cheese ever been a bad idea? This one tasted really good. I recommend Smoked Gouda Triscuit nachos.<br />
<br />
Then I started running out of things to put on crackers. I considered a slice of mandarin orange, but didn't want to commit to peeling an entire mandarin for this project. Ugh, I know, right? I thought about putting a slice of buttered toast on a cracker just to be ridiculous and reach my carb goals, but again: too much effort.<br />
<br />
Now that I think about it, there is probably a person or team of people whose entire job is to create the fun easy recipes that go on a box of crackers. How can I break into that scene?<br />
<br />
<b><u>Conclusion</u></b><br />
<br />
There are many fun and exciting flavors of Triscuit crackers and exponentially more options for eating the crackers. The Smoked Gouda flavor is a solid effort by the team of flavor scientists at Nabisco. I probably won't get this flavor again, though, unless I'm throwing a Triscuits party. Stick with standard and add your own flavors from real life food. Powder isn't food.<br />
<br />
And it has driven me totally nuts to write "Triscuit" so many times and each time it has a squiggly red line underneath suggesting that I change it to biscuit or tracksuit. And that apparently Gouda and Brussels must always be capitalized.<br />
<br />
<u>Price per box</u>: $2.50 (mild discount)<br />
<u>Ounces per box</u>: 9<br />
<u>Crackers per box</u>: ~54<br />
<u>Recipe ideas per box</u>: 2<br />
<b>Rating</b>: <b>6.25 / 10</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrgYSL1b5_H67mOiQ32I7kVduiACs1BMSlbDjwmGb-S7SDWyNDpNmwgx1MD80nYFpJxR6PdCMH8aJ__5ceU9ullLxMXRMkdnfBduTl4VSrhA4_I_5F2QfWr-HYNwtzk7AQBvljdkTI8z4c/s1600/rating.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="56" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrgYSL1b5_H67mOiQ32I7kVduiACs1BMSlbDjwmGb-S7SDWyNDpNmwgx1MD80nYFpJxR6PdCMH8aJ__5ceU9ullLxMXRMkdnfBduTl4VSrhA4_I_5F2QfWr-HYNwtzk7AQBvljdkTI8z4c/s400/rating.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b><u>Afterthoughts</u></b><br />
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I totally forgot to write a section about puns and am not motivated to go back and work it in. Like: will these be any Gouda? Or maybe something about Vaped Gouda instead. Oh and I could have a hilarious cartoon of a cracker vaping. I'll have to through this up on Craigslist's Missed Connections and see if I respond to myself.<br />
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Went ahead and made it while you were waiting.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDB85HmX4j50V_AWrhYJ7wA5Yw-unP9Pz49dNSJM7vzBMGn9tr7lXjq95cOwN12yP69zLbp05I7iWt7UKeBzzbEUljJbtMMvVECE1Ur-z6l81_dlGUHR_E3F6cC-ZRH5Jq0UAqwrbYTufT/s1600/vape+triscuit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="340" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDB85HmX4j50V_AWrhYJ7wA5Yw-unP9Pz49dNSJM7vzBMGn9tr7lXjq95cOwN12yP69zLbp05I7iWt7UKeBzzbEUljJbtMMvVECE1Ur-z6l81_dlGUHR_E3F6cC-ZRH5Jq0UAqwrbYTufT/s400/vape+triscuit.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-1511506508227206092016-04-13T18:46:00.000-04:002016-04-13T18:46:16.892-04:00American Idol Finale, Finally<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuZJJKepgomrGYLWWFFgYyPpciVt2X1E7l59sMkK9pjKMUYMjH9p6dyG51JON2vpyo0T7oD6cv3_ON90ikYFol6uqlKKGBy6daCxgjxSDRPKpWelLtCBq__W98vKFv3buA9R7SNYYMNyBd/s1600/american+idol+retrospective.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuZJJKepgomrGYLWWFFgYyPpciVt2X1E7l59sMkK9pjKMUYMjH9p6dyG51JON2vpyo0T7oD6cv3_ON90ikYFol6uqlKKGBy6daCxgjxSDRPKpWelLtCBq__W98vKFv3buA9R7SNYYMNyBd/s400/american+idol+retrospective.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
For the last fourteen years we've enjoyed fifteen seasons of the hit tv show American Idol. From Bush to Obama, Al Qaeda to ISIS, Nickelback to Bruno Mars. It was a post-9/11 world that needed a lift--a distraction from the burden of life. At least 5 different girls you knew just opened her own cupcake shop. Pinterest didn't exist yet. How did we live? How will we live now that Idol is over? Is music dead?<br />
<br />
I wanted to write this retrospective as soon as the final episode aired, but I was unprepared. I had to go through Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of loss. I think I'm still stuck in "Denial" though because as Ryan Seacrest signed off for the very last time he dropped a naughty littler teaser: "goodbye...[pregnant pause]...for now. Seacrest out."<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9QTN2U6qsaXHKTi5gvHuoxg4kimqvnUWjYdqy5NA0hRQ6tqNtgW9UvaELWGUhqIQe3L-5j2bSQHtxzIxlTZk9rBxCo2yeENBmgZrx75eR-MWfxOePRbbnhAL05eDYOskSEEMNl5LhPXK7/s1600/seacrest+out.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9QTN2U6qsaXHKTi5gvHuoxg4kimqvnUWjYdqy5NA0hRQ6tqNtgW9UvaELWGUhqIQe3L-5j2bSQHtxzIxlTZk9rBxCo2yeENBmgZrx75eR-MWfxOePRbbnhAL05eDYOskSEEMNl5LhPXK7/s400/seacrest+out.jpg" width="322" /></a></div>
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<br />
This makes me feel like American Idol will come back, albeit in a new form. It's like the furniture store that is "going out of business" to drum up sales even though they have no plans to go out of business. It makes me feel dirty in my guts. Like they took advantage of my naivety and fomo.<br />
<br />
Every season for the past 8 years I say "this show is stupid. It's a drawn out show filled with ads and mediocre talents singing music I don't care about. I'm not going to watch it anymore." And I was finally fully committed to not watch anymore until they announced it would be the final season. So...bookends, and all that--I watched. How many other Americans out there are just like me?<br />
<br />
My prediction for the New American Idol 2.0: it'll be web-centric and get stars from youtube/vine or maybe even release their own social media platform that you have to get if you want to audition or vote. The old model was stale. Kidz are into webz and appz.<br />
<br />
And so here we are now--wow, a week later--with no Idol to watch. Sure, but there's NBC's hit show The Voice, right? No. That show is terrible. It's basically a bromance between Maroon 5 and Blake "The Turtle" Shelton. Just kiss already, you guyz. And Carson Daly, bless his heart, was never quite the same after MTV's TRL. It's depressing to watch him try to pretend like he's not dead inside. What happened to that show with Jessica Simpson's husband, you know, that 98Degrees guy? And all the contestants had to sing without musical accompaniment.<br />
<br />
Irregardless, or without respective, let's get retrospective already.<br />
<br />
Many Idol winners and runners' ups went on to do great things. Not cure-cancer-great or land-on-Mars/Matt-Damon-great, but have-songs-on-the-radio-great. Heck, Season2 finalist Clay Aiken was almost a US Congressman. And Season5 contestant Katherine McPhee has been in television shows, including a starring role in NBC's terrible show <i>Smash</i>. And she managed to be and stay hot, which is really important--and probably in poor taste to mention because of her public struggles with an eating disorder.<br />
<br />
<u>List of winners (unnumbered, ordered by season):</u><br />
Kelly Clarkson<br />
Ruben Studdard<br />
Fantasia Barrino<br />
Carrie Underwood<br />
Taylor Hicks<br />
Jordan Sparks<br />
David Cook<br />
Kris Allen<br />
Lee DeWyze<br />
Scotty McCreary<br />
Phillip Phillips<br />
Candace Glover<br />
Caleb Johnson<br />
Nick Fradiani<br />
Trent Harmon<br />
<br />
Even if you've never watched American Idol, some of those names probably have you like "oh yeah." For instance, country superstar Carrie Underwood. And if you are a superfan and watched every episode some of those names have you like "huh? who?" For instance Caleb Johnson?<br />
<br />
<u>Other notables to come out of Idol who have songs on the radio</u>:<br />
Chris Daughtry<br />
Katharine McPhee<br />
Kellie Pickler<br />
Clay Aiken<br />
Jennifer Hudson<br />
David Archuleta<br />
Adam Lambert<br />
<br />
Yeah I dunno. All top 10 contestants from the past 14 years are probably still doing music somehow, but in a way like "This weekend at the county fair, American Idol runner up, Jax, opens for Chicago tribute band." Jax (the girl that printed leopard spots on her face) actually has a new song slated for a 2016 release called "I don't like your shoes." Jax is Ke$ha-Lite af.<br />
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Then we also had terrible singers on American Idol that got famous for being so bad. Remember William Hung (She Bangs) or the pants-on-the-ground guy?<br />
<br />
Okay and so did you know that "American Idol Controversies" has its own Wikipedia page? It's pretty long, too. twss. In fact, I'll just <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Idol_controversies" target="_blank">link it here</a> because summarizing is hard.<br />
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Was One Direction on American Idol, or did Simon Cowell create them some other way? I'm getting tired of writing about this. My brain would be okay if it never thought about American Idol again. I can't even remember what happened during the long protracted three night finale at this point. Some guest musicians. Past judges popping in. Songs. Ford commercials. A ton of Ford commercials. Ford is the Hulu of cars. They're going to build a huge factory in Mexico. So much for American jobs. #trump. J.Lo continued to be insufferable. Actual quote (paraphrased): "ooooh i'm sooo sad, i'm getting goosies for the last time. waaah"<br />
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The state of television is terrible. They should do a new show that's like American Idol, but instead of sing, the contestants solve crimes and the winner gets their own CSI/NCIS/whatever spinoff show.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-8119605997645586722016-03-11T22:13:00.000-05:002016-03-11T22:13:37.699-05:00Macaroni: Too Turnt?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMSSkzOSr25CUHhFJVHb_atqJq8OkKrQMH7egvhxUQHMvQTfUUPPtF6ZECu9TPi9oKQRf7C3fwrrJJdfSZk20HT99Rw5PZWWDZxXtvQTc77ZJWn-JVMq-DpMLaifyUfLLqHigMbR5x7-G7/s1600/macaroni+turnt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMSSkzOSr25CUHhFJVHb_atqJq8OkKrQMH7egvhxUQHMvQTfUUPPtF6ZECu9TPi9oKQRf7C3fwrrJJdfSZk20HT99Rw5PZWWDZxXtvQTc77ZJWn-JVMq-DpMLaifyUfLLqHigMbR5x7-G7/s400/macaroni+turnt.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Every person who eats carbs (less and less these days) or was ever a child (most people) are familiar with the macaroni noodle. From Aunt So-And-So's terrible mayo-drenched cold mac salad to down-home-style-restaurant's giant tray of breadcrumb covered real cheese mac to I'm-sad-and-alone-or-a-child Kraft Mac & Cheese, it's macaroni all the way down. But is macaroni 2turnt? <i>Channel SHFT31 Investigates</i> is on the scene to find out more.<br />
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<u>Noodles Vs Pasta: A Primer in Knowing The Difference Between Pasta and Noodles</u><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSXZkzWxxWIHcMSS6KaB8EsezAYbI8WfQAN4LJYM2JOVjagRU_y50ExlIFHijzctcqM7gqyVYi-VuJ-G7hopkZ730DWTpO7g4oyZbHDXCk4_dB1ewII6w-3bwFFI1OgwcmzoJu8THQz42L/s1600/pasta+noodles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSXZkzWxxWIHcMSS6KaB8EsezAYbI8WfQAN4LJYM2JOVjagRU_y50ExlIFHijzctcqM7gqyVYi-VuJ-G7hopkZ730DWTpO7g4oyZbHDXCk4_dB1ewII6w-3bwFFI1OgwcmzoJu8THQz42L/s320/pasta+noodles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Most people who speak English use the terms "noodle" and "pasta" interchangeably. But did you know that there is a difference between noodles and pasta? There must be, because it has its own subheading. It's not as easy as differentiating, say, whiskey/bourbon/scotch. Check it out: spaghetti is both a noodle and a pasta. Couscous is a pasta but not a noodle. Ramen is a noodle but not a pasta. Pool noodles are neither pasta nor noodle, despite having noodle in the name.<br />
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Is it what they are made of? Sorta, yeah. Many Asian noodles are made from rice instead of grains.<br />
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I'm reading several other sites trying to get a solid answer on the actual difference, but it seems like there's no hard fast line. And also no one cares. It doesn't matter.<br />
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<u>The Elbow Fruit</u><br />
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Macaroni is also known as elbow pasta because it is shaped like an arm that is bent. A Lego arm. Tube. Thingy. No one has arms that bend like a macaroni. But it is bent. Is it too bent? I've seen some macaronis that are, like, half of a circle. I don't know the math, but that is a lot of bending. I use but too much.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBowvuB4adzQ-4bx6q8t12q9-rye1MDQZeyBo1HnOAYCDrWu04-ffTsFSn92y_rqiBTDZBo3vvJ2kvMSDHVgUAJDnRhEjkrP6qwp8YBkt_l9bq2sVRjOz1XeG6Ao0udpQ_Kyfheplg3DC8/s1600/elbows.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBowvuB4adzQ-4bx6q8t12q9-rye1MDQZeyBo1HnOAYCDrWu04-ffTsFSn92y_rqiBTDZBo3vvJ2kvMSDHVgUAJDnRhEjkrP6qwp8YBkt_l9bq2sVRjOz1XeG6Ao0udpQ_Kyfheplg3DC8/s320/elbows.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Compared to spaghetti, macaroni is way too turnt. Spaghetti is the button-up straight-laced gentleman of pasta. Handsome, welcome at every party, easy to break in half, and fun to slurp. Spaghetti is the poster-boy for pasta.<br />
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Speaking of pasta that likes to party, what about farfalle? That is the pasta shaped like a bow-tie. Here is a pasta dressed to party. It might be more turnt than even macaroni, but probably not since it only goes to classy affairs. It is known to be Justin Timberlake's favorite pasta.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrNHrVBwMfdNmDs36wsjCVxQIS6sTWg8FwqxtqIwGa1MqmaeRWoqw_Hecsx1IWF2RNL96kN3CbnZPbp3CeWbFOAdAFJCJFfZxJxec1TlH9YDJALJwrMaiuIQMcjG8SSHAI-Xql6xxQBAt/s1600/timberlake+pasta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrNHrVBwMfdNmDs36wsjCVxQIS6sTWg8FwqxtqIwGa1MqmaeRWoqw_Hecsx1IWF2RNL96kN3CbnZPbp3CeWbFOAdAFJCJFfZxJxec1TlH9YDJALJwrMaiuIQMcjG8SSHAI-Xql6xxQBAt/s320/timberlake+pasta.jpg" width="224" /></a></div>
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Other pastas less turnt than macaroni include spaghetti's many cousins: thin spaghetti, extra thin spaghetti, angel hair pasta, fettuccine, linguine. So many boring straight noodle pastas.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjshC3ztKLdqPJcL4bLgVGzDCBwnAAtGazwMQU1InC52-5KZF7m8Tx7dHFQuTMOkf770Qa5QdYrQBjy9dI3jm9kI0EcU1HEESmqisKmth8QW2fWqSdaC-fhyAeGMf4ePhlZXkrNMkfkuLVL/s1600/linguine+wrong.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjshC3ztKLdqPJcL4bLgVGzDCBwnAAtGazwMQU1InC52-5KZF7m8Tx7dHFQuTMOkf770Qa5QdYrQBjy9dI3jm9kI0EcU1HEESmqisKmth8QW2fWqSdaC-fhyAeGMf4ePhlZXkrNMkfkuLVL/s320/linguine+wrong.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're doing it wrong</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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There are pasta shaped like shells! How nuts is that. They aren't turnt tho. They are beautiful. I want to drizzle them in oil and fill them with cheese.<br />
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Do yourself a favor and download a jaypeg of pasta types and print it out and hang it on your dorm room wall. There are so many.<br />
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But are any as turnt as macaroni?<br />
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<u>Neon Orange Cheez Powder</u><br />
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Kraft Mac & Cheese and its store shelf counter parts are the only macaroni that come pre-packaged with a sack of atomic orange flavor powder. That is pretty turnt. Does a Spongebob shaped pasta count as macaroni? I'm curious. According to the box it's still macaroni, only in a spongebob shape. That is blowing my mind. Is Spongebob the elbow pasta? Spongebob is turntaf.<br />
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Ravioli<br />
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A pasta pillow filled with cheese or meat. If macaroni is a 1996 Turbo charged Toyota Celica, then ravioli is a U-Haul truck. And inside the truck is not used furniture, but a party. Don't even get me started on tortellini.<br />
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What is the most mac & cheese you think you could eat in one sitting? I could probably do a box. That's a half stick of butter though. That's almost too turnt.<br />
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I think mac & cheese should have their own Vine page and it would have Tony Hawk doing sweet tricks before eating some m&c with a big cheesy grin. Or Craig Kilborn could do hilarious commentary on people about to eat m&c.<br />
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<br />#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-27568218276254772232016-02-09T13:04:00.000-05:002016-02-09T13:04:20.313-05:00Mardis Gras, God, & Fish Sandwiches<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today is Fat Tuesday (or "Mardis Gras" en Francais, s'il vous plait) and um, without looking at Wikipedia yet: it's a day when you have to go to New Orleans to get beads for showing your boobs to strangers and spend all day getting black-out-drunk. There are also affiliated parades. And enjoy it while you can because tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and you have to go to church to absolve your sins and get a crucifix drawn on your forehead using the ashes of a burned (?) Bible?<br />
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Hmm, I just read Wikipedia and I still don't understand what it really is. So like, you know how each time you go on your diet and you're really gonna do it for real and stick to it this time, but your diet doesn't start until tomorrow so today you're just going to enjoy pizza and chocolate cake for the last time before you never have it again? (It's also #NationalPizzaDay apparently, btw). Well it's like that except it has been distorted beyond just overeating and has become a National Holiday of Sin. Because starting on Wednesday you have to be good for like a month. And that's soooo hard so if you spend today and sin af, then maybe it will be out of your system. And then in 40 days your hangover starts to clear up and it's time to celebrate the death and rebirth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.<br />
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"Be fruitful and multiply. Like a grown man wearing a furry rabbit costume." -- Genesis 1:28<br />
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Let's rewind a little bit. To today. Gluttony and sin. I don't have any data to back this up, but I would wager that the majority of people participating in today's SinFest 2016 (with headliner Creed on the Applebee's mainstage at 6PM), yes a majority of those people have no intention to participate in the second half of this equation. The half where you have to repent and give something up for 40 days for God. Because that represents personal sacrifice and it makes you totally #relatable to Christ. Like "hey Jesus, thanks for dying on the cross to erase the sins of all of mankind. I know what that's like bro. I went 40 days without Starbucks. Well I still went a couple times, but I stuck to a basic black coffee with only a little bit of cream and sugar so it totally doesn't count I still sacrificed, just like you."<br />
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How about adding something positive to your life/the world instead of just holding your breath, so to speak, and eliminating something you're just going to go back to? I mean, you're already eating healthy and exercising because of your New Year's resolutions, right? It's only February, don't tell me you've given up already! Oh man, we're never going to make it to April.<br />
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So the Lenten season, or "Lent" starts tomorrow and is symbolic of the 40 days Jesus spent wandering the desert resisting the temptations of the devil. And let me tell you, the devil (fully clad in Prada) was on his A-game. You won't find it in modern translations of the Bible, but according to apocryphal texts Jesus was staggering through the desert all parched and famished and the devil was by his side the whole time with a cooler full of Bud Light Strawb-a-Ritas and a basket full of piping hot Arby's Crispy Fish Flatbread sandwiches.<br />
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And that's why, for the next 40 days and 40 nights, all of our favorite fast food restaurants have specials on their fish sandwiches. It's also something about not eating meat on Fridays (or <i>at</i> TGIFriday's!) but fish doesn't count as meat I guess. I know some fish who might disagree with that, tho.<br />
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This is the real reason for excitement. It's fish sandwich season! I love reviewing these special offerings. In the past I've eaten and reviewed:<br />
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<ul>
<li>McDonald's Fillet-o-Fish</li>
<li>Wendy's Premium Cod Fillet</li>
<li>White Castle's Fish Nibblers, Clam Strips, (Shrimp Nibblers? I don't remember)</li>
</ul>
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Have I eaten Arby's fish sandwich? I don't remember. I feel like I have but I also feel like I haven't. All of these disgusting/delicious meals become a blur in my mind/body after a while. I see the commercials where that tough guy with the deep voice says gross things like "we bring the meat" which I'm pretty sure could get you arrested in certain social situations--and the commercials are for 2 for $5 fish sandwiches and I think, "i should go get that, i haven't had curly fries in like forever."<br />
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Are there any other spots blowing up the fish sandwich scene? Hit me up if you want to see a review. (& pls don't say BK, i can't even) Otherwise, Imma keep my eyes open for something tempting. And good luck with all of your Lenten sacrifices!#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-30026357013065525962016-01-15T18:21:00.000-05:002016-01-15T18:21:06.682-05:00Burger King Buffalo Chicken Fries Review<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizmrT5KT0qvSiZLxRUj3sn8HFWikmldbTdjHcwhwEYV27rsfYU-XfQmS7t3pSSpIG-LIoNZgUB0Lsrk5o3nLnZiL1Lh0Eh0vSiy0GtP4RtDrFjMnYchtjgrAnSzcbDx99bMdhgSM2gI980/s1600/bk+buffalo+chicken+fries.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizmrT5KT0qvSiZLxRUj3sn8HFWikmldbTdjHcwhwEYV27rsfYU-XfQmS7t3pSSpIG-LIoNZgUB0Lsrk5o3nLnZiL1Lh0Eh0vSiy0GtP4RtDrFjMnYchtjgrAnSzcbDx99bMdhgSM2gI980/s400/bk+buffalo+chicken+fries.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The geniuses at Burger King have found a new part of the chicken. They are behind the fingers and above the (dinosaur shaped) nuggets. They are the fries of the chicken. And since chicken nuggets are for children and whole meat chicken tenders are too expensive to produce, Burger King has taken these ChickenFries<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.2px;">™</span> and coated them in buffalo flavored powder so that grown men can eat them and still feel like a man.<br />
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They are the perfect companion to watching sporting events alone. Drive through the drive thru then don't forget to drive through a carry-out to pick up thirty of their cheapest lite beers. Even though you probably got a Coca-Cola with your large combo meal, you're going to need beer to recreate the sports-bar atmosphere in your one bedroom apartment tonight.<br />
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[nervous laughter]<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I saw a commercial for these Buffalo ChickenFries<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2px;">™</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2px;"> a while back and immediately knew that sooner or later our stars would cross, fates intertwined, arriving at the one and only pure truth in an infinite embrace of destiny. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2px;">Burger King is classically <strike>disgusting</strike> unappetizing. I've never been shy about ranking it at the bottom of fast food along with the likes of Subway. Although, if you remember <a href="http://www.poundexclaim.com/2015/10/pre-review-of-burger-kings-haunted.html" target="_blank">back in October I accidentally ate a Whopper</a> and was surprised by how not-terrible it tasted. I could never bring myself to go back to get the black bun Whopper (#sorrynotsorry). Yet only a quarter of a year later, here I am back at the trough of the BKLounge. I've exceeded my BK quota by 200% and disappointed <strike>everyone I've ever known</strike> myself.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL5_tynSsOxolGhAwvjn3mr2zDM2sNCT9L6U2-od2PQxSx5DhY5FWwD_5LQIzY_RGBEaMhamLZ11Skcn2D4dgkFNrVHJEYxCPjTXWyx629zeDpjK1rID6LF_R9H7SmTjDFfOtDeR5gbXnv/s1600/orange+buffalo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL5_tynSsOxolGhAwvjn3mr2zDM2sNCT9L6U2-od2PQxSx5DhY5FWwD_5LQIzY_RGBEaMhamLZ11Skcn2D4dgkFNrVHJEYxCPjTXWyx629zeDpjK1rID6LF_R9H7SmTjDFfOtDeR5gbXnv/s320/orange+buffalo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.2px;"><b>What Flavor Is Buffalo?</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">The Buffalo flavor comes from Buffalo New York. Like any legendary flavor, there is much speculation, rumor, and myth surrounding its inception. While I've never been to Buffalo, NY I am willing to bet that 90% of restaurants that serve hot wings claim to be the original home of the buffalo wing.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">While formulations vary, the "Buffalo" flavor has become a catchall for most standard hot wing sauces. I think the original buffalo sauce was made from Frank's RedHot sauce and butter. It is a wet sauce rather than a dry-rub.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"><b>Jokes Aside, What Is A Chicken Fry?</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">If you want to get philosophical like "what is a hotdog?" then I actually have no idea what a ChickenFry</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2px;"> really is or why/how it exists. Other than that, it's a chicken nugget made from processed chicken meat and shaped into a long skinny fry shape rather than a nugget shape. This allows the chicken to dry out completely and be mostly breading with a rubbery chicken flavored filling. I think it's mainly a Burger King thing. (That would be a great bumper sticker!) But I'm getting ahead of myself.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"><b>Fast Food Is Not Just A Meal--It Is A Journey</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;">Lao Tzu</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"> say: "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." (Did the Chinese use English miles in 530BC?) </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">Pound Exclaim say: "a journey of fast food begins with the drive-thru." Wait, no. It begins in the head when the fast food marketing team creates a gimmick and plants the seeds of desire in my heart.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"><u>The Drive-Thru</u>: I didn't get this myself! I literally cannot begin to tell you about the drive-thru experience. This was gifted to me as a reward for lifting heavy things. So in this case, the journey begins with pulling the food out of the bag.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlw3p2ElQt75xg6jU2mEMpwU2CN_rFQrWYHZKn7AQyDxb2pcqGC-ITnQ7Ll2zI8VoYvmGJvxTWI6aEh4KNJAZVevC4Q-EM1U7L-LPNlBdT-ccM1n_Vq5ILLkbEx26QYgoaqZ8yMOqB_xHj/s1600/bk+bcf+promo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlw3p2ElQt75xg6jU2mEMpwU2CN_rFQrWYHZKn7AQyDxb2pcqGC-ITnQ7Ll2zI8VoYvmGJvxTWI6aEh4KNJAZVevC4Q-EM1U7L-LPNlBdT-ccM1n_Vq5ILLkbEx26QYgoaqZ8yMOqB_xHj/s400/bk+bcf+promo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;">That's BK's promotional image for the Buffalo Chicken Fries. They're getting cheeky with the interpretation of "buffalo" (see the horns and bull ring?) and they're obviously trying to evoke emotional connections to the perennially popular Angry Birds franchise. As it is a promo pic, I want the reader to note that this image portrays the chicken fries at their best.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;">The only photograph I took of this meal is in the lead pic. I don't endorse visiting other blogs to read about disgusting fast food, but in this case you might want to do a Microsoft Bing Image Decision. Oh wait, Bing is no longer referring to themselves as a Decision Engine? [extremely napoleon dynamite voice]: Gosh fine! I'll hotlink a pic myself!</span></span></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSdNCn7Ky1V6v6i7dJR15yXpkxv6fbrQYReV1xBejEDWnC9YrbfuivSaC0u5VmEYN1DuB2_P0PkS8x1ep5q1_A4IO-DBXZ2ifuu7PEA1VNg4CetZTaokfJc4mb7LmMxU5nkFQ_oXBlQmTC/s1600/bk+bcf+close.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSdNCn7Ky1V6v6i7dJR15yXpkxv6fbrQYReV1xBejEDWnC9YrbfuivSaC0u5VmEYN1DuB2_P0PkS8x1ep5q1_A4IO-DBXZ2ifuu7PEA1VNg4CetZTaokfJc4mb7LmMxU5nkFQ_oXBlQmTC/s400/bk+bcf+close.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A close-up shot from frenchfrydiary.blogspot.com</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMTRogBAv4BvgmqSGswXDtPoqQHuztP06fAmDeHSvT3Ppi-UbWLiTVzvX0eadJkayD6hhjTtsQZX775W2FZ_4dci5ZUQp5iY3ZigoApuxla8OgvEF3AcJ-uZGn93h-SBcDGrbPpSU1fmRY/s1600/BurgerKingChickenFries2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMTRogBAv4BvgmqSGswXDtPoqQHuztP06fAmDeHSvT3Ppi-UbWLiTVzvX0eadJkayD6hhjTtsQZX775W2FZ_4dci5ZUQp5iY3ZigoApuxla8OgvEF3AcJ-uZGn93h-SBcDGrbPpSU1fmRY/s400/BurgerKingChickenFries2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A shot of the inside from fastfoodwatch.com</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">On a side note, these both seem like blogs I need to follow.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">I didn't count how many sticks you get in a box and I don't know the price. What an underwhelming review! It felt like infinite sticks though. Like it was Mary Poppins' purse except instead of fun nanny stuff it was ChickenFries and no matter how many you felt like you'd eaten--more than enough--there was always at least one more and you had to finish them all in order to be polite in front of your hosts and also to be thorough so you could write a review later. I think you need help.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">So there may have been 9 or twelve or 15. Probably a dozen. I think I can count 11 in my picture. Yeah, we'll say a dozen. And fries and a Coke.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"><b>Architecture Of The Box</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">What do you call a three-dimensional shape with six sides, but only two of them are equal? Irregular polyhedron of some sort? Well, that's the shape of the box in which the ChickenFries are contained. It was a really fun decision on the part of the package design team. I'm constantly opening regular squares and rectangles and the contents seem super bland. But opening these ChickenFries was exciting!</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">The lid pops up and there are two partial side flaps you have to fold back to fully unveil your bounty. And then--check this out--a section of the lid and rear wall are perforated in a fashion that you can fold out a little pocket that is exactly the correct size to hold a sauce packet! We've seen this before as it is becoming common in fast food packages whose contents would benefit from a sauce.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">The problem, though, (there is always a problem) is that the architecture of this particular vessel creates a top-heavy structure with a narrow base. This weight distribution imbalance becomes exacerbated as the ChickenFries are depleted and/or the sauce packet is replaced with a new, full sauce packet when the first one is extinguished. This is problematic to a structure holding an open sauce packet. Without special considerations by the user, this package architecture will likely result in the rapid deployment of Ranch Sauce upon your z-axis platform. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. The more ChickenFries you eat, the more likely you are to get Ranch on your pants or table. Especially since the ratios are off. One sauce pack isn't enough for 12 ChickenFries. And while 12 ChickenFries can counterbalance the weight of a full sauce pack, 6 ChickenFries cannot (when u replace the empty pack). </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;">When I start a restaurant, my chicken nugs will come in a pyramid and the tip folds back to hold the sauce. Or no wait, there is a <i>secret chamber within the pyramid</i> that already has sauce in it.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><b>Speaking Of Sauce...</b></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;">Look at the words by the sauce pocket. Burger King is being saucy ( </span><i><span style="color: #666666;"><-- I know! </span></i><span style="color: #222222;">). It reads: <strike>WATERING</strike> SAUCIN' HOLE. I have so many questions about this.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;">First of all "sauce hole" sounds so terrible and a saucing hole isn't any better. So what happened? Is BK being intentionally edgy/gross? Did some sassy designer slip one by the Project Leader? Are they oblivious to the ideas conjured by a saucin' hole?</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;">They probably felt like <i>something</i> had to go there. Design rule #1: no surface is blank. What a terrible rule, btw. Have you ever opened your chocolate and the wrapper has a message for you about how special you are, or that, like, you totally deserve to indulge in that naughty little treat? And/or not only did something have to go on that blank surface, but they thought that the consumer might be too dumb to know about their clever box design. I get that sauce pockets are new-ish and people might not know, but it's like writing "Open Here" on what is obviously one of two points to open a cereal box. I guess you should never over estimate your end user, though. Actually, I'm surprised it's not accompanied by an illustration depicting the proper technique to place one's sauce in the sauce pocket.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;">Like, I get the feigned original draft "watering hole" because it seems like a Western USA tie-in with the whole buffalo theme they're forcing. Why drop the "g" in saucing? Was "Watering Hole" supposed to be the proper sign, representing The Establishment; and BK sauce is irreverent and edgy so when it took over the watering hole with anarchic aggression it wanted to let everyone know it was in charge but at the same time it was cool and one of the people? Like, is this ChickenFry container a microcosm of the American spirit of being a no-holds-barred sorry if I hurt your feeling's but imma tell it like it is good ol' boy tuff & rumble hardworking bud-lite-drinkin' kinda guy? "I don't follow the rules, but put your sauce in this hole because it's the hole where the sauce goes."</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;">I got yer saucin' hole right here, buddy.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;">Hmm. This makes me want to do a separate article that is a class-ist examination of food packaging. You know, compared to how Chipotle has short think-pieces on their bags written by contemporary literary figures. Something along those lines. TBD</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;"><b>Eating Chicken Fries</b></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"><span style="color: #222222;">You didn't really read all of this expecting much to be written about actually eating the food did you? Everyone knows these are gross. You can tell by the very first image, and all following images. And I'm assuming this isn't your first time on the popular lifestyle blog Pound Exclaim. But, I guess...since we're here...</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">ChickenFries are gross.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">In taste and texture these are much like Burger King's regular dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. They are dry and rubbery and contain very little chicken. All of Burger King's chicken products are terrible.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">These <i>BUFFALO </i>ChickenFries were dry. Remember how we were talking about buffalo being a wet sauce? And remember how every time in your life you've ordered buffalo wings they've been in a wet sauce? Burger King is using "buffalo" very loosely here. Maybe I was supposed to order a buffalo dipping sauce. I ordered a ranch dipping sauce because in nature ranch is buffalo's natural mate. Bleucheese can burn in hell, #Ranch4Life.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">Oh, I just re-watched the commercial. BuffChickFries are a "new way to buffalo" because the guy eating regular buffalo wings can't answer his phone when Dawson's Creek calls but BK's guy has dry fingers and sends Dawson to voicemail.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">Besides not having a wet sauce--yes, beyond that--these were dry in a way that Ranch lube is a necessity if you want to swallow your bite. Which, I'm only saying that because you might not want to. Swallow, that is. Because remember? Not yum.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">In one of my stolen images above you can see a bifurcated cross-section of a buffchixfry and I would note that the fry in question is a very healthy specimen. The inner chicken width of most of my bfchxfries were much less substantial. This isn't unsubstantiated slander, just take my word for it!</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"><u><b>Flavor</b></u>: well, they weren't hot at all. Some buffalo wings can be pretty preetty spicy. These had the spice-level of a well-peppered baked potato. It was more "a hint of zing" or the "essence of spice" which I think came primarily from black pepper and onion powder. Those were the dominant notes. And garlic. The Ranch sauce enhanced the onion/garlic flavors and as mentioned previously, provided some much-needed moisture.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">"Did you feel poorly afterward?" Absolutely, you betcha! As a general note: my diet has been a wreck recently, you know...with all of the excuses going on and everything. So I didn't have a baseline to say to what extent this made me feel poorly. Let me paint a picture. You know how like if you cross the mafia in movies they will put your feet in a bucket of cement and then push you into a body of water? Okay, well in my metaphor the Burger King was the cement and my stomach was the guy and I was the body of water, err, wait, no I was the mafia. Umm. I think you get it. It felt heavy and bad inside of my body.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;"><b>Conclusion</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">Burger King Buffalo Chicken Fries are not a good thing to eat. They do not taste good and do not make you feel good. No comment on price/value. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">"Would you eat them again?"</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">If I were to attend a fast food party and there was a platter of chicken fries I might put one on my tiny plate and take a bite as something to do with my hands as I walk around and mingle--kind of like a prop--then set it back down. Then later I set down the plate in the kitchen to go play Apples To Apples with everybody and forget about it or not remember which plate was mine.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2px;">The french fries were okay.</span></span>#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-17520902678918856842016-01-07T13:09:00.001-05:002016-01-07T13:09:34.015-05:00Suffering AffluenzaRemember the Affluenza teen? So there was this kid, Ethan Couch, that stole beer from walmart, popped some Valium and went drunk driving on a restricted license in his dad's Ford pick-up truck. And then, speeding 70 in a 40, wrecked his vehicle into a group of people, thereby killing 4 and injuring 9. He was basically let off the hook for intoxicated vehicular manslaughter because the judge deemed that he didn't know any better. Nobody told him it was bad to do that.<br />
<br />
Thus was born the <i>disease</i> Affluenza. When a person is wealthy to the degree that the normal rules of society seem alien they risk contracting the disease. Which is pretty ridiculous because I would wager that most teens in the 1% know not to get plastered and kill people with their car.<br />
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So this kid gets probation instead of prison. Maybe a smack on the wrist. But the thing is that he violated his probation and fled with his mother to Mexico. Now he is a fugitive felon. Couch and his mother were apprehended at the end of 2015.<br />
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All of that to say this: His mom looks like a ragged Carrot Top and he looks like a ragged McLovin. I saw their picture in the news and it's the first thing I thought and just wanted to say so out loud to someone. That's it.<br />
<br />
Check it:<br />
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Here's looking forward to the tear-jerking made-for-tv Hallmark Original Movie.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-37137491988421594792015-12-08T14:53:00.000-05:002015-12-08T14:53:08.223-05:00Pantone Color of the Year Will Be Two Colors in 2016<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The color (British "colour") company Pantone dictates an official color of the year every year and it is one of the most exciting things that I look forward to in life. For the forthcoming year of 2016 they have decided that we need two colors to be the color of the year. This has so many implications and raises just as many questions.<br />
<br />
<b>What is Pantone?</b><br />
<br />
Wikipedia tells me that the price of a cup of coffee is all they need. The USPS frowns upon mailing loose cups of liquids (<i>don't ask me how i know!!!</i> <span style="color: #999999;">(it's printed in their shipping guidelines)</span>), so I put some fresh coffee grounds (Pantone #7533C) into an envelope to mail to Wikipedia. And if I just scroll down a page and a half past the banner.... ah yes,<br />
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TLDR: Pantone is a company known for their proprietary color matching system. It allows designers to achieve predictable results across a variety of media from assorted printering mechanisms.<br />
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<b>What is a Color of the Year?</b><br />
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It's basically a marketing thing. Marketers in their smooth doublespeak will throw out buzzterms like "zeitgeist, emotion of the times, captivating, culture" and so on. It doesn't mean anything. Does anything mean anything, though? What is meaning?<br />
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<b>Remember 2015's COTY?</b><br />
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We're still living it as I type this. It should be so easy to see. It is everywhere around you. The color is so ingrained into our lives it is the essence of mood in our collective consciousness for the year. Without doing a search say the name of the color of the year of 2015 aloud. You don't even need to say the correct trademarked name, just say the color as best you know how. Ready?<br />
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Did you say an orangeish-brown color? Haha, wrong try again! Oh now you remember, it was kinda bluey, right? Maybe blueish-reddish-green-yellow?<br />
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You have no idea! Haha! I could do this for hours with you.<br />
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They call it "Marsala" (#18-1438) and it looks purpleish on my computer monitor. Maybe more burgundy-maroon. Now I'm looking at pictures of chicken marsala, which oddly enough is more of an orangeish-brown color. And now I'm looking at pictures of Wynton Marsalis and okay let's move on we're getting off track.<br />
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<b>Is the Pantone COTY Relevant to Anyone?</b><br />
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Now that you know the color of 2015, can you recall seeing it anywhere? Maybe the pillows at TJMaxx. Or an eyeliner at the makeup counter of your Sears department store. Possibly the color of the underwear on the models of Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which is tonight (assuming I can get this article past the editors in time). Did you know that CBS News has an article on how to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, featuring a 64 photo slideshow?<br />
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I want to be dismissive of the COTY, but I can't because I remember <a href="https://youtu.be/vL-KQij0I8I" target="_blank">a certain scene from The Devil Wears Prada</a> (which I think is basically Star Wars re-written for girls (not that girls can't like starwars or guys cant like devilwearsprada) (and star wars is basically re-written from the bible)). Take a minute-fifty-one and watch that youtube video. I'll wait.<br />
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<b>Well. What is the 2016 COTY?</b><br />
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I'm assuming you have internet access if you're reading this. And since the PantoneCOTY is such HUGE news you've probably already read 4 or 5 web e-articles about the two colors that will reshape or lives in the next year. But just to be thorough, those colors (Leet "c010rZ") are Rose Quartz and Serenity.<br />
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Rose Quartz is pink. Serenity is blue. These are baby room colors. Is Pantone encouraging or predicting a new baby boom in 2016? Is this tied in with the government defunding of Planned Parenthood?<br />
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<span style="color: #666666;">Sidebar: Conspiracy contradiction: The global elite want to depopulate the world and sanction people in to sections a la Hunger Games districts (see Agenda21 (and extrapolate)) but also want to expand their tax-payer base.</span><br />
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<b>Seriously, Though, Why the Leap to Two Colors?</b><br />
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One color that no one pays attention to was enough. Why did Pantone make the leap to 2 colors that go generally disregarded?<br />
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You guys, the balance is <i>inherent</i>. It will bring order and peace. In the form of US drone strikes in sand-countries. Or at least the <i>sense</i> of order/peace.<br />
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These colors are also reminiscent of cotton candy. Evoking feelings of sweetness and joy. What is the greatest quantity of cotton candy you think you could eat? Measured by volume, I think I could probably pound down a 55-gallon barrel of the fluffy stuff before my body rejected it or went into shock. I dunno, though, that's a limit I've never tested. I might surprise myself in my ability to consume spun sugar. And you might too. Dare to dream!#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-69208519938492781002015-11-19T22:30:00.000-05:002015-11-19T22:30:18.067-05:00Does Google Plan To Wage A War On Porn?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Rule 1: When the headline of an article is a question, the answer is no. But bear with me here (or <i>bare</i> with me!). My spider-sense is tingling and I'm trying to read the tea leaves. Something is stirring. Maybe. It could all be nothing.<br />
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It is widely known that if one were so inclined to do a web search for nude images, then that person might turn to Microsoft Bing rather than Google for optimal results. Is it because Bing is less scrupulous? I think that may be partially true. True that Bing sees an opportunity to fill a hole that Google has perhaps intentionally left open. Or maybe Google has better filters or algorithms. This isn't the center of my investigation. You can still get plenty of nudity on Google, after all. The point is that Google is less pro-nudity than Bing--or at least seems to have that reputation.<br />
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Google has owned YouTube since 2006. For better or worse. It wouldn't be the awesome powerhouse of Taylor Swift music videos it is today without Google's backing. But remember when you could watch full movies and tv shows on YouTube, or use a popular song in your video, or before advertising?<br />
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So anyways The Goog recently introduced a new premium YouTube called YouTube Red. For a mere $9.99/mo you can enjoy streaming music and video without advertisements. And it can also run in the background or while the screen is asleep. But did you know that there is a website for pornography videos called RedTube?<br />
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That's a clue: YouTubeRed / RedTube.<br />
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And now Google has introduced a user-friendly wireless router for your home. It will do things like QoS and channel-switching without the GeekSquad coming to your house. (Aside: in light of NSA revelations, a fully automated, auto-updating, hidden-abilities consumer device like this is potentially a scary thing). Anyways, they're calling it OnHub. Like it's your hub for all of the things you own that turn on. But, that name is suspiciously close to the name of pornography video website PornHub.<br />
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Another clue: OnHub / PornHub<br />
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These combined are enough to convince me there might be a secret agenda at hand. Maybe it's just poor decision making from the marketing department. But I don't think so, coming from a company like Google. Everything is carefully planned much in advance.<br />
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So what's the big deal? They have a couple services/devices with names that are kind of close to porn site names. Just think about your average end user. Think about the kinds of questions your parents ask you about the computer. And so that's for whom this is going to be a deal over which to be fussed. Add to that sensationalist media who will no doubt run stories about, like, kids trying to stream Justin Bieber who instead are accidentally streaming gay porn (okay, not much of a difference). Think of the children, tho!<br />
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And so as these things go on and become exaggerated/exacerbated by terror-filled headlines it will give Google the leverage to do something and handle the problem. Is this what they want? Are they trying to create a problem so that they can solve the problem? And why? What is the end game here? What does Google know about the future of the internet that it doesn't want to tell us about?<br />
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I dunno you guys. I'm just spit-balling here and realize it all sounds like conspiracy nonsense. There aren't enough clues to form a solid image and this could just be coincidence. Let me know if you find any more clues or have ideas about what might be going on. Google has so much data, and they act with intent. Something is going on, man! Don't trust anybody, man!#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-88847062050941697892015-11-16T18:31:00.001-05:002015-11-16T18:31:59.419-05:00New Belgium Brewing Company Teams Up With Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream To Make A Special Flavor Of Beer: Salted Caramel Brownie Brown Ale; And This Is An Article About Drinking That Beer And Subsequent Impressions<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The title says it all, folks. I can see how it might be confusing, though. "This is an article about drinking that beer and subsequent impressions." I'm not drinking subsequent impressions, I'm following the AP style guide for headlines. What I'm actually doing is drinking the beer, and then using written word to describe my opinion about what I tasted. Now that we've cleared that up we can start drinking beer!<br />
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New Belgium Brewery is a brewery in Fort Collins Colorado who has been hitting the beer aisle hard with a frequently alternating line-up of delicious and creative beers. Ben & Jerry's is a Burlington Vermont ice cream company that has been hitting the ice cream aisle hard with a frequently alternating line-up of delicious and creative ice creams.<br />
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Isn't ice cream a weird thing? Like, not the food itself which I guess is also kind of weird if you think about it, but I mean loyalties and allegiances to ice cream brands based primarily on geography. It's like people pick a brand from around where they grew up and that's the best ice cream in the world and every other ice cream sucks and can't compare and <i>my</i> ice cream is definitely worth $5/scoop--you just <i>have</i> to try it. See, didn't I tell you it is the <i>best</i>? Anyways. I hope I don't get listeria from this beer.<br />
<br />
So my understanding of how beer is made is that they boil some grains in water and add some hops and yeast and wait. Basically. Based on that knowledge, I can only assume that this beer was made by boiling salted caramel brownie ice cream and adding hops and yeast and waiting. Until I hear otherwise, that is how ice cream beer is made. I read something on the internet about homebrewers brewing beer with Gushers fruit snacks. Anything is possible.<br />
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You know, it just now occurred to me that I should have bought a pint of the namesake ice cream to pair with this beer and/or make an ice cream float. Maybe next time. Instead, I paired this beer with the traditional and time honored favorite: pizza. It was not ice cream pizza either.<br />
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The only photographic image I created of this beer is the lead image. You can see it is very dark with a light head. Oh, btw you guys, I'm not a professional beer taster--just an enthusiast--and I forgot to follow the Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, architecture of food/drink reviewing. Forgive me, I was excited. I acted as a lowly consumer. (I'm writing this later, and am out of beer).<br />
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So you can LOOK at its darkness. Such a dark appearance for a brown ale. It is nearly the color and shade of brownies.<br />
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And I SMELLED it because I have a tendency to smell whatever goes into my mouth. Part of that is biological, anyways. But I didn't smell it with intent. Consequently, I can't really comment on notes that I noticed. The overarching aroma, probably, was of chocolatey beer.<br />
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As for TASTE, well, I definitely tasted it. First of all, it didn't taste like ice cream. I don't know what I expected. But that's good, because I bought beer and not ice cream. And also at first, I was a little disappointed in how much it tasted like beer and none of the sweetness I anticipated came through. After more sips, though, my tongue began to discover the flavors beneath the malt. Flavors like chocolate, salty caramel, vanilla. So it is strongly a malty beer first and then you get some of the ice-cream-like flavors underneath. Mostly the chocolate/brownie flavor. There is also a bit creaminess to it.<br />
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That creaminess is not ice-creaminess. It's more like a smoothness. Like a silk sheet on top of a tray of brownies. Um, can we get a tray of brownies in here, actually? So, mouthFEEL: creaminess. But it is also surprisingly light and doesn't leave a heavy film in your mouth. Which, ITAHO (in this author's humble opinion), makes this quite sessionable. At 6.25% alcohol by volume it's not going to knock you off of your yule log. Being so easy to drink, though, it may lead to problems with "liking" things on facebook that you might not have otherwise liked, if you get what I mean.<br />
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OVERALL a solid entry into the novelty beer category. Would I pick it up again? Yeah maybe if I were with someone else who hadn't had it yet. I'm not going to have X's on my calendar counting down to next year's release date or anything. Heck, will they make it again? It might be a one-time-only beer (and you know how much that makes my FOMO rage). Besides, I don't even have a paper calendar. It's such a poor investment. You have to get a new one every twelve months. But at the same time it's such a commitment--like, what theme do I want to see images of all year long? Yeah so, it tastes good and is easy to drink for a dark beer (I consider this more of a dark beer than a brown ale) and has a decent abv and only cost $8.99 for a sixer. What else are you looking for?<br />
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Additionally, profits from sales of this beer go to the "Protect Our Winters" group fighting climate change. Allegedly. So you can thank me for being an <strike>activist</strike> eco-minded individual who cares about this planet and its inhabitants. Although, I kind of don't like winter. It's so dark and cold. You know like it's 6PM and it feels like midnight and it sort of shuts down your desire to do anything that involves being outside of your blanket. Maybe I should litter the bottles after consuming as sort of a carbon-offset-offset. The stillness is nice though. I like the stillness of winter. And the icy atmospheric clarity. Okay, I will recycle.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-30355659353402185872015-10-10T21:31:00.001-04:002015-10-10T21:31:55.724-04:00Pre-Review of Burger King's Haunted Halloween Whopper<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/10000000/January-14th-Getting-Burger-King-At-Piccadilly-Train-Station-In-London-justin-bieber-10001362-242-399.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/10000000/January-14th-Getting-Burger-King-At-Piccadilly-Train-Station-In-London-justin-bieber-10001362-242-399.jpg" height="320" width="194" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do they still use horse meat patties?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cecP70q3mkE" target="_blank">BK Lounge</a> has a special haunted Halloween Whopper for sale for a limited time. It's like a regular Whopper, except that the bun is like that one TV show: Blackish. In this pre-review (preview?) I will basically whine about failing to get one. So it goes.<br />
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As soon as I heard about this haunted burger I immediately began to experience an internal struggle (much like the internal struggle, I assume, the black Whopper will invariably create within me). Experience vs. FOMO. Preference vs. marketing gimmick. Ultimately, my carefree willingness to try new things beat out my dislike of Burger King.<br />
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You see, to me Burger King is the Subway of burger based fast food. I'll eat it and it's fine, but in my memory it's gross and I never want to eat there. If I'm driving home with ten dollars in my pocket and a hunger to rival that of the poor people in Charles Dickens' books; if that is the case I have--historically speaking--never thought to myself "yeah I'll just roll through the BK Lounge and pick up a quick bite." Never. So it took a lot for me to break down and make a deliberate trip for the sole purpose of eating this special sandwich.<br />
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Oh, something else that grabbed my attention and tipped the scales in favor of this dark sandwich was that apparently it results in unnaturally green bowel movements. This isn't the time or place for details, but I have a very casual and totally chill mild interest in how food affects BMs, esp wrt color.<br />
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Thus was my internal battle resolved. And in this resolve I resolved that tonight would be the night to make my wildest Black Whopper dreams come true. There are two BKs near me. One is a few miles NE and one is a few miles SW of the collection of rooms where I keep my stuff and also sleep. The NWBK is closer, but dirtier and slightly more within the penumbra of an undesirable section of city. Which is how I came to the conclusion that SWBK would be my haunted burger meal enabler on this fine autumn's eve.<br />
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Drive there. Pull into drive-thru. See promo sign for Halloween Whopper. Heart beating faster. Power-button down window. Pull up to ordering position. Lady on intercom begins "HIWELCOMETOBURG..." and never gets to finish as I interrupt "nope" and lay some tracks outta there.<br />
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What? Why? Did you get cold feet? Did reason get the better of you? --are among the things you might be asking. Naw. I left because there were little stickers on the Black Whopper picture that indicated that the sandwich was [SOLD OUT]. And as I was there ONLY to eat black hamburgers, there was no use to sitting around to listen to the rest of that nice lady's greeting.<br />
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Now, though, as I'm driving back toward the-place-where-my-stuff-is I'm confronted with a new problem. Do I just go back and eat left-overs or do I drive even further and try the other BK? I don't give up easily, though, is something that I don't want to say because it's inaccurate. I give up fairly easily if something is not accomplished early on. And failing at 1 of 2 BKs is a pretty high fail rate. But also, it's dinner time and I'm already out and I think I'll just swing through the other BK and quick grab something to eat.<br />
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Get there. First thought: hmm this actually looks cleaner than it does from the main road. That's a good sign. Second thought: I don't see any advertising for haunted whoppers. That's a bad sign. Roll up to the ordering hole. Definitely no signs for black buns. Ask the dude on the intercom: "Do you have the Halloween Whopper?" They do not. My heart sinks. And now I'm faced with a decision. Do I order something or do I go home and eat left-overs? Because I'm definitely not going to whip out my phone and find out where the next BK might be located and drive there. That would be too much.<br />
<br />
I had already interacted with this guy by asking a question. We have established a rapport. I go for it and order a standard Whopper combo with the blond buns. Damn it. I don't really even want this. I'm such a little bitch. And to make anxiety awkward, the guy is having a hard time hearing or understanding me. We do a back and forth routine to confirm everything is correct before he finally informs me that Whopper meals cost $6.09 and that I should meet him at the second window to complete the exchange.<br />
<br />
There are two cars in front of me. It's taking a really long time. Not globally long, but fast food long. The reverse lights of the car in front of me illuminate. I think maybe she was in park and tried to switch to drive to pull forward and doesn't realize she's still in reverse and she better not hit me. But then she starts making exasperated hand signals but I still can't tell if she's upset everything is taking so long or having an animated telephone conversation. Better safe than sorry: I put my thang down flip it and reverse it too. Oh, she's leaving. Waiting is <i>hard</i> and I'm <i>hangry!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
As soon as she pulls away the first car's transaction had been completed anyways. It's my turn at the window and I can hear the guy from drive-thru complaining/explaining that the woman who pulled away was apparently a serial-order-and-drive-off-er. Then he tells me they have to make new fries and it's going to be a few minutes. More waiting. Life is basically waiting, isn't it? In different ways. Anyways, he comes back and offers me a FREE PIE as an apology for waiting. I say YES.<br />
<br />
Waiting more. and more. and more. Food is ready. Good-guy-drive-thru-guy then tells me he also gave me large fries (instead of small) because of waiting. I guess good things do come to those who wait (if BK food is considered a good thing). Ready to go home and eat my sad meal.<br />
<br />
But wait, one more thing. Traffic. I made a couple rights where I should have made lefts because of heavy evening traffic. Not really knowing where I was going but with my personal axiom that "all roads lead to roads" I figured I'd eventually get someplace. Well, it was not a good detour. By the time I got home after all of this driving and waiting and driving my whole Black Whopper adventure had cost me three quarters of an hour.<br />
<br />
Now I am discouraged to try again and actually eat black whopper. I may. I may not. God has a plan for every creature on this earth and so if it is meant to happen it will.<br />
<br />
Footnote: My standard Whopper was actually pretty decent. Way better than I remember them being. I haven't converted from generally disliking BK, but you know...besides not having what I wanted and having to wait a lot, BK did pretty OK tonight.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-15280453837761482902015-09-25T16:12:00.000-04:002015-09-25T16:12:55.801-04:00Book Review: The Girl In The Spider's Web<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz9NSwIe_MYCzpMQMi9h_V07V3z5bDr3i2bzAnAuniXcQaFvPvZSnLcf78du5oflsTES-3aNOfDPj_QRiJeGLsgyEoCxoKoyEv9osbBpracD7iLfKkdtULM_Ouax-E5Ggn63t-3y0xUoev/s1600/dragon+spider+girl+tattoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="302" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz9NSwIe_MYCzpMQMi9h_V07V3z5bDr3i2bzAnAuniXcQaFvPvZSnLcf78du5oflsTES-3aNOfDPj_QRiJeGLsgyEoCxoKoyEv9osbBpracD7iLfKkdtULM_Ouax-E5Ggn63t-3y0xUoev/s400/dragon+spider+girl+tattoo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">There's a new book out on the #1-book-that-people-are-talking-about list and it's not Jonathan Franzen's <i>Purity</i>. It's...well, geez, it's not even the book that this review is about. For some reason people are still obsessed with that garbage about Mars. Anyways, today we review the never-anticipated and perhaps superfluous 4th book in the <i>Millennium Trilogy</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Trilogy is, of course, from the Greek "trident" which was Neptune's (god of the sea) favorite chewing gum. He liked it so much he would always eat three pieces at a time. Plus, they are small pieces so just one isn't enough. But if you can't brush after a meal, chew Trident. Xylitol is good for your body and large quantities definitely won't have an impact on your bowels.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Wait, so if trilogy is three pieces of gum, why did David Lagercrantz write a fourth piece of gum? You'll have to read on to find out (<strike>spoiler: money grab</strike>).</span><br />
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Quick History Lesson</span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOnR7BnNbtGRIq0H0RqX4_i_XVRw3GCSdtq_Mi7zRzafnDNL7W0-yDh8phA5msP0ax-5kEXgewCcJsTzOmfnxqvuOkWBmNiVo80eppRTMLrtMGCPh-AHLis6BxDXpfb2OQ2ew-bPN0OwXD/s1600/history+zebra.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOnR7BnNbtGRIq0H0RqX4_i_XVRw3GCSdtq_Mi7zRzafnDNL7W0-yDh8phA5msP0ax-5kEXgewCcJsTzOmfnxqvuOkWBmNiVo80eppRTMLrtMGCPh-AHLis6BxDXpfb2OQ2ew-bPN0OwXD/s400/history+zebra.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">No, not your dad's boring history! This is a fun history like on History Channel. Like, Nazi mega-weapons, secret alien societies, CIA moonbase history.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, <i>The Millennium Trilogy</i> is the collective name for the three novels written by Stieg Larsson. These are pretty popular books. I'll bet you already know them and may have even read them. They were also made into 3 Swedish movies and 1 American movie. They are about a girl who has a dragon tattoo, plays with fire, and kicks a hornet's nest. And also a news paper reporter. (*ahem*) Oh, excuse me, <i>investigative journalist</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is important because Larsson himself was an investigative journalist IRL AFK and he was into some pretty hairy stuff and accrued quite a few enemies. Then one day he "mysteriously" dies of a "heart attack" while "walking" up some stairs to his "apartment." The novels were published posthumously. It is tempting to draw parallels between Larsson's real life and the events in his books.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Transition To Today (not like, <i>today</i>-today, but current-times-generally today)</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now, 5-slash-8 years later (USA/Sweden publication) we get a fourth book that continues the exciting excitement of the thrilling thrillers. Presumably. I really enjoyed the original trilogy and therefore was excited to be thrilled once more. And so were about a thousand other people in this fine city judging by the library's wait-list. Luckily, I got an early bid and was among the first to receive a copy.</span><br />
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Just Who Is This David Lagercrantz Fellow Anyways?</span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt-dBSi9xhNz5icwCOwis0AbaFRSEpOH3zZAaEJFYxVosvurr1DCfqbqbTh1sKH2u_EU6Ifpl9UUMgSusjROSxJW9QLNqusb82VjDtRaTNO37-_z7B2EhiX-YflWtXjcQ-1OpJ3hm4XkUl/s1600/lagercrantz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt-dBSi9xhNz5icwCOwis0AbaFRSEpOH3zZAaEJFYxVosvurr1DCfqbqbTh1sKH2u_EU6Ifpl9UUMgSusjROSxJW9QLNqusb82VjDtRaTNO37-_z7B2EhiX-YflWtXjcQ-1OpJ3hm4XkUl/s200/lagercrantz.jpg" width="185" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The new author of the new book is a Swede who goes by the name David Lagercrantz. He is the talent behind such fine written stories for instance such as <i style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;">Där gräset aldrig växer mer, </i><i style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;">Stjärnfall,</i><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #252525;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"> and the perennially popular </span></span></span><i style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;">Syndafall i Wilmslow.</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;"> And as a super fan of Stieg's he decided to take an established popular fictional world and write his own continuation of events using the same world and characters. Gee whiz, that sounds an awful lot like fanatic fiction, aka fanfic. I hope this is a deeper and more heartfelt effort than fanfic. Although, isn't fanfic the deepest and most heartfelt fiction there is? </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;"><span style="font-size: small;">What Exactly Is Fanfic?</span></span></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span>
"For Stephanie Meyer so loved the world she gave her only begotten Twilight so that it shall be re-written as 50 Shades of Grey. Jesus wept." -- Blazeit 4:20</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;">That's not a real Bible verse, fyi. So anyways, fan fiction is when a normal person who doesn't normally publish written word professionally decides to write a story based on existing characters and environments created by someone who is usually payed to professionally create such things. And these fan stories usually stay tucked away in a MSWord document someplace or maybe on some obscure web bulletin board where like-minded fanatics can share in the pleasure of extended storylines to their favorite fictional characters. I mean, I guess you could also author fanfic based on real life people so the original story doesn't have to be fictional but the resulting story is fictional. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;">[Oh, wait, I should have prefaced this all with: if you are in fourth grade and/or still get confused over fiction and non-fiction just remember that fiction = fake, and non-fiction = not-fake, or, really real.]</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22.4px;">Do you think there's a market for fan non-fiction? Like, amateur biographers making poorly written histories of people or events they admire. I guess that's kind of like bloggers. I'm blowing my mind right now. I've been writing fan-non-fiction all these years and not even knowing it. Time to update that résumé!</span><br />
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<h3>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Why All This Talk About Fanatic Fiction?</span></span></h3>
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<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.4px;">You're a smart reader. You can put two and two together, too. But just in case there are any fourth graders still reading: <i>The Girl In The Spider's Web</i> by David Lagercrantz is fanfic that got published under the guise of a fourth novel to what should have remained a trilogy.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">The book is not good. The story is not intriguing. It does nothing to further the characters. It is not particularly well written. It is fanfic. Or a desperate author trying to shoe-in on proven success, not to honor the original story, but to accumulate personal wealth.</span></span></span><br />
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<h3>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">Controversy</span></span></span></h3>
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<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">Lagercrantz has the blessing of Larsson's brother and father to publish this book. And that is important because they are the inheritors of the estate of Larsson and his properties. However, Larsson's widowed-fiancée, Eva, is opposed to Lagercrantz's publication. I bring this up only to point out that there are two factions regarding TGITSW: those who think it should exist, and those who don't. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">Before reading TGITSW I was pro-TGITSW. After reading it, I am anti-TGITSW. Some things in life are complete and should be left alone. (this is where I should link to an article about pizza with cheeseburger crust)</span></span></span><br />
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<h3>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">The Book Itself</span></span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZDFGEGAXuwpKj_nohBbWUTNB_UXTtf4ch-msN88nczbRXRAE1hMB9WtD10gyRsKEY4UhEK0li4pnbhCNYzCLVo1zItiN426LTFjd3XxKCK_AO3hShyphenhyphenL_njuouKRLcUJo7UKPbDINZN1Qd/s1600/635761081526421885-XXX-LAGERCRANTZ-GIRL-SPIDERS-WEB-BOOKS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZDFGEGAXuwpKj_nohBbWUTNB_UXTtf4ch-msN88nczbRXRAE1hMB9WtD10gyRsKEY4UhEK0li4pnbhCNYzCLVo1zItiN426LTFjd3XxKCK_AO3hShyphenhyphenL_njuouKRLcUJo7UKPbDINZN1Qd/s320/635761081526421885-XXX-LAGERCRANTZ-GIRL-SPIDERS-WEB-BOOKS.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">It has a cool cover. It's shiny and a little iridescent and is graphically congruent with the original American covers. The book is of medium thickness and light in weight--perfect for throwing in your sack to bandy about town. The pages feature a deckle edge, which seems pretty hot in contemporary fiction these days. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">It's 416 pages for $17 on Amazon.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">Did someone say poorly written? Yes, I did. Some of the grammatical stuff may just be the translation. This may be a masterpiece of words in its original Swedish. I doubt it, though. And besides the language itself this read like a pan-shaped vanilla cake with no icing compared to Larsson's MySuperSweet16 cake shaped like a Lamborghini. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">I can't tell if Lagercrantz was trying to make it his own, or simply ignored style cues in the originals. Lagercrantz might write something like "Lisbeth hacked the computer terminal and it really impressed the unhygienic NSA computer nerd with how good she must be at hacking computers."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">Whereas Larsson would have written like "Lisbeth reached into her jet-black Pierotucci Italian leather backpack and pulled out her Apple Macbook Pro with Intel i7 3.4GHz 8-core processor and 16GB DDR4-2400 RAM. She had been working on a program in C++ that could bypass all encryption protocol on the WAN without being detected by spoofing bit-level packet echoes in the chaos chamber of the satellite's laser modulation syntax script." etc etc.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">This book contains nothing in common with The Millennium Trilogy except the names of the characters. </span></span></span><br />
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<h3>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">Other Thoughts</span></span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7p7tIs3mW_yFo2rKlLb47LvqLihyphenhyphen2HON4RXjwRxjaCsdOPcyvi4JdBiwDaE090EYBmI9eRqHAmwHv-lvJnf-GXB5O6Qq830u3QEZaN-TghxS_d_ozGH19gyIw5ac3Zmx1gD_iDxCTej9D/s1600/spiderman+dragon+tattoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7p7tIs3mW_yFo2rKlLb47LvqLihyphenhyphen2HON4RXjwRxjaCsdOPcyvi4JdBiwDaE090EYBmI9eRqHAmwHv-lvJnf-GXB5O6Qq830u3QEZaN-TghxS_d_ozGH19gyIw5ac3Zmx1gD_iDxCTej9D/s320/spiderman+dragon+tattoo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;">Title</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; line-height: 22.4px;">: I know it needs continuity with the first 3, but when are we going to get over putting "Girl" in the title of novels? The Gone Girl On The Train With The Pearl Earring In The Spider's Web. It's like putting "(dmb acoustic)" in the title of your song to trick people into downloading it on Napster.</span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><b>Free Association</b>: Girl in the Spider's Web Mikael Blomqvist journalist newspaper Peter Parker Spiderman. (This media-studies master thesis is practically writing itself.)</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><b>Bourne Identity</b>: Robert Ludlum wrote The Bourne Trilogy and died. Then Eric Van Lustbader picked up the torch and is fanfic-ing Jason Bourne in perpetuity. I see the same unfortunate fate for Dragon Tattoo.</span></span></span><br />
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<h3>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">Conclusion</span></span></span></h3>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.4px;">If you're the kind of person that will finish a book even though you're not enjoying it, then this book is for you. If you're a die-hard fan of Lisbeth Salander and will follow her to the ends of the Earth despite what other people tell you, then this book is for you. If you're a completionist then this book is for you.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.4px;">If you don't like wasting time on not-good things and are okay with taking the word of someone else without having to find out for yourself, then this book is not for you. If you are a lover of words, literature, and storytelling then this book is not for you. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;">A lot of substance-less thrillers make for good summer/casual reading. I can't really tell you what to do, but lets just say there are a lot of book-fish in the book-sea. It's okay to book-throw one back sometimes.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22.4px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #252525;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 22.4px;"><b>Rating: 3/10</b> - It has words that will make your brain form images of things happening and consequently pass time. Would not read again.</span></span>#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-19789916347228321682015-09-04T20:45:00.000-04:002015-09-04T20:47:47.629-04:00Chobani Watermelon Blend: A Yogurt Review<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzX-rPjP0wjqS0k1TD7bH1TOiiGc2YU_Szf_7sOWXu_F0MSqqR5RjcMytvlqlxzOVU3joCzzK8xmNwb_LhCIrbqOOBUTXUqt6WR4YX7t69Hb2aT_mAbHntQqMb7tEgFKqv9ozzViQHWbKw/s1600/IMG_20150904_173921159.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="335" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzX-rPjP0wjqS0k1TD7bH1TOiiGc2YU_Szf_7sOWXu_F0MSqqR5RjcMytvlqlxzOVU3joCzzK8xmNwb_LhCIrbqOOBUTXUqt6WR4YX7t69Hb2aT_mAbHntQqMb7tEgFKqv9ozzViQHWbKw/s400/IMG_20150904_173921159.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know, right?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
There are as many brands of yogurt as there are stars in the sky. There are as many flavors within each brand as there are grains of sand on the beach. We are living in a yogurt boom. In no other time in history have we had so many yogurt options. You can drink it from a bottle or squirt it from a tube. Some yogurts even come with separate compartments filled with wondrous sprinkles and grains to dump into your cup of yogurt. I could go on for [Time=(SandxStars)^Ramble].<br />
<br />
(I just put that equation into Wolfram Alpha and it was unable to solve).<br />
<br />
Well despite the multitudinous array of yogurt, I automatically disregard those yogurts with either high fructose corn syrup or artificial sweeteners. Even with HFCS, yogurt tastes like yogurt and not ice cream or candy. If I'm going to put concentrated sugar into my body it will come in the form of actual candy. And I just don't like the taste of Splenda, Stevia, Aspartame, Phenelelnilyeyonnoneutronics, etc. Plus, you know, cancer in pigs. So I look for things like real sugar or honey as the sweetener. Chobani is a brand that I like.<br />
<br />
Chobani yogurt is in the style of Greek, which basically means it is thicker because the whey has been strained. Greek yogurt is all the rage these days. You can do independent research to find a reason why and pros/cons of standard yogurt vs. greek, etc.<br />
<br />
This particular afternoon I was looking for a bottle of drinkable yogurt. But because Giant Eagle sucks and is the worst not-poor-people-slash-dollar-store-surplus-or-whatever grocery store in America, because of this there wasn't drinkable yogurt. And so I was just going to skip the yogurt until I saw this WATERMELON YOGURT. In addition, the package is marked LIMITED BATCH!<br />
<br />
I literally have to have this. What if they never make this again? Have you ever stood up really quick after lying and you get dizzy and faint from the blood rush? That's what happens to my brain when my raging FOMO courses through my body. They also had a limited batch plum flavor, but I don't care about plums. I mean, I like fresh plums and all--I just can't help but to think of them as pre-prunes and then directly equate that with old people having bowel issues.<br />
<br />
<b>Cost</b>: $1.25 for 5.3 ounces. That's approaching $.24/oz. (0.2358490566037736). To put that in perspective, the price of gold has been hovering around $1,125/oz. A single ounce of gold can buy you 900 yogurts. Federal minimum wage is $7.25/hr pre-tax. Assuming deductions of about 18%, the take-home hourly wage drops to $5.95/hr. This cup of yogurt is equivalent to 13 minutes of minimum wage labor. You would have to work 195 hours to buy as many yogurts as 1 ounce of gold could buy. That's almost 25 days of 8hr/day minimum wage labor! That's over a month of 40hr/wk full time labor.<br />
<br />
With a normal expiration date of about 2 weeks, you would have to eat 64 yogurts a day to finish all of your yogurt before it went bad. That's a yogurt every 15 minutes for 16 hours a day. Talk about power hour. So if you doubled your hours and got a small raise, you could conceivably eat 1800 yogurts a month and also have no left-over money!<br />
<br />
Okay so let's eat this yogurt. Watermelon is not normally a flavor that one might correlate with yogurt. And so with no preconceptions and a little apprehension I open up the watermelon yogurt.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizGhiPPQ8wIUVsxltxcwdz4Leco2VOBGAX-H7NJb_rK-4fz_7QyrQsLOlzpfyJ8LamvvmqXKT3M4w9mzVcFkAenzb8A1uqzBsWV-h30mYWhT7EAA47eEByMxJkqyeiZcGrUyZnU8nRbMZs/s1600/IMG_20150904_173942442.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizGhiPPQ8wIUVsxltxcwdz4Leco2VOBGAX-H7NJb_rK-4fz_7QyrQsLOlzpfyJ8LamvvmqXKT3M4w9mzVcFkAenzb8A1uqzBsWV-h30mYWhT7EAA47eEByMxJkqyeiZcGrUyZnU8nRbMZs/s400/IMG_20150904_173942442.jpg" width="273" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...uhhhhhh...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Ummmm, uhhhh. The first thing I notice is that the yogurt is a pale pink-almost-white. Not bright red/pink like watermelon flesh (and the label), not bright green like watermelon shell (and the label) and not a fun swirl of bright green and red like you might see in a kids' yogurt. Pretty gross looking, TBH.<br />
<br />
When I think of watermelon I think: fun, bright, fresh, crispy, juicy, summer, messy, chill, sweet. The appearance of this yogurt visually represents none of these things. Though, in the yogurt's favor, it looks a lot like yogurt and not a weird artificial toxic sludge masquerading as yogurt. (I hope somebody's marketing dept. is reading this)<br />
<br />
Now I've had a good watermelon or two in my day so I know how a watermelon should taste. I've gotta tell you, I'm a person who eats yogurt from time to time so I know how yogurt should taste. Now I'm a person who loves artificial watermelon flavor too, so I know how a good false watermelon should taste. (I once tasted a handsoap that smelled so deliciously of false watermelon that I could not resist. It tasted like soap. Talk about disappointment).<br />
<br />
Hey speaking of disappointment, see also: this yogurt. This was not like eating 5.3 ounces of creamy watermelon candy. If you had blindfolded me and then told me I was eating a plain yogurt I might have believed you and commented "hmmm, it's got kind of a watermelony aftertaste." That is where I believe the exact verbiage on the label comes into play. "Watermelon Blended." They are not claiming a watermelon yogurt, but a blend. And so the blend ratio leans hard toward yogurt flavor.<br />
<br />
It tastes of watermelon a bit, sure. The yogurt is very sour/tangy and not at all sweet. So it was more like Jolly Rancher watermelon. Yeah that's exactly what it was. A faint watermelon Jolly Rancher yogurt.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJAQDoTRM9-A5JBzQAakzXortGI2_ysGM4w-rr0yPHGacPD_bejrDAmxmcJN3AorUrGzcAZ3CloqoO46mkBwZjq7NTOlkJ5ZfXaCCr2s8AjUhZ45CoA0n3rE2L8BJeF4ZxKtPRu4kRCi9_/s1600/jolly+rancher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJAQDoTRM9-A5JBzQAakzXortGI2_ysGM4w-rr0yPHGacPD_bejrDAmxmcJN3AorUrGzcAZ3CloqoO46mkBwZjq7NTOlkJ5ZfXaCCr2s8AjUhZ45CoA0n3rE2L8BJeF4ZxKtPRu4kRCi9_/s320/jolly+rancher.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Great in Zima, not in yogurt.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
This yogurt is not a refreshing summer treat. It's fine, overall, I guess. But when you put the watermelon label on something I have expectations. This watermelo-failed to water-meet my watermel-expectations. It is a gimmick. It is made in a special small batch for a reason. That reason is because they will/should never make it again. Chobani is good yogurt and they make a lot of good flavors--I suggest you buy one of those instead.<br />
<br />
<u>Chobani Watermelon Blend Yogurt</u><br />
<br />
<b>Value</b>: 5/10 (premium yogurt premium price)<br />
<b>Appearance</b>: 1/10 (really gross looking for "watermelon")<br />
<b>Flavor</b>: 3/10 (not a good flavor for yogurt)<br />
<b>Mouthfeel</b>: 8/10 (would be better with seeds/sprinkles)<br />
<b>Overall</b>: 4/10<br />
<br />
I would eat another one if someone else packed my lunch. I would not buy this flavor again of my own volition, despite my love of watermelon.<br />
<br />#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-83449537496821380292015-08-31T18:30:00.000-04:002015-08-31T18:30:32.485-04:00Puzzle Review: Mattel L7896Today I will be reviewing Mattel's jigsaw puzzle L7896 which is Ansel Adam's photograph of Mt. McKinley and Wonder Lake.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm2inIHlVa1KHDEUxVxcbfQKdOn4cZOL_jtCASTxWx3acOlKEusH7DSR2Yibw2UNFk1kav50i5XdbU6PTQFdQc6Hle7EAzPyZY7IwzQW3rS-AZH7hfoAnQEAuR65JFsARRZTqLDqO_321u/s1600/puzzle1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="340" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm2inIHlVa1KHDEUxVxcbfQKdOn4cZOL_jtCASTxWx3acOlKEusH7DSR2Yibw2UNFk1kav50i5XdbU6PTQFdQc6Hle7EAzPyZY7IwzQW3rS-AZH7hfoAnQEAuR65JFsARRZTqLDqO_321u/s400/puzzle1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cover of puzzle box</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<h4>
Quick Statistics</h4>
<br />
<ul>
<li><b>Pieces</b>: 500</li>
<li><b>Completed Dimensions</b>: 14" x 18"</li>
<li><b>Suggested Age</b>: 12+</li>
<li><b>Box Dimensions</b>: 8" x 7" x 3"</li>
<li><b>Language</b>: English / Not Applicable</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
<h4>
The Image</h4>
<br />
The puzzle image is based off of a 1947 photograph captured by Ansel Adams. Multiple silver gelatin prints have been made from the original negative and it is not clear from which particular print this puzzle image has been based.<br />
<br />
Majestic Mt. McKinley occupies the greater portion of the upper half of the photograph, glowing pale in early morning light. It rests behind dark rolling hills that transition to the lower half of the image and encapsulate the serene waters of Wonder Lake. As characteristic of Adam's photographic work, it is a technically proficient execution with both a wide dynamic range--from the pure whites of the lake to the deep blacks of the tree covered hills--and also immense depth of field with the entire subject matter in focus.<br />
<br />
While Wonder Lake does not reflect the image of Mt. McKinley on its glossy surface, it reflects its mass in visual balance. There is a near perfect balance of space in each half of the photograph represented in its opposite half, as divided from center horizon.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTaKbqs2NTbGhbx1LZgdl7q-BH-PXSBh9oM4Y2efobquV1jdYhnal0EVmrLOsLD03zdSGCP446QzAPtaaqoh-XAR344MSU7HkZ9LzQ3BMp7F-phBj4AKk4XbSkDD12h9jOEhTz2qPgYyak/s1600/puzzle4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTaKbqs2NTbGhbx1LZgdl7q-BH-PXSBh9oM4Y2efobquV1jdYhnal0EVmrLOsLD03zdSGCP446QzAPtaaqoh-XAR344MSU7HkZ9LzQ3BMp7F-phBj4AKk4XbSkDD12h9jOEhTz2qPgYyak/s400/puzzle4.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Left: Original image. Right: 180 degree rotation. Notice the near perfect balance in symmetry.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h4>
<br /></h4>
<h4>
A note about Mt. McKinley</h4>
<br />
Alaska's Mount McKinley is now and henceforth known as Mount Denali. This is a very recent change based on a decision by the current presidential administration. Denali is the original "Native American" name for the mountain and translates to "the tall one." It was named McKinley in 1917 by elderly white male politicians in honor of assassinated former president William McKinley.<br />
<br />
Many people are upset over the name change because change is difficult to handle. Ohioans feel it is an Ohio dishonor to their Ohio state pride in Ohio and Ohio native W. McKinley. Old male politicians are upset because it is an action taken by a president with whom they want to have something to be loud and upset about.<br />
<br />
Textbook and map publishers are very happy because they get to sell hella more product based on this change.<br />
<br />
To my knowledge, Wonder Lake is still Wonder Lake, but sometimes I wonder if it might change too. One Direction Wonder Bread.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Puzzle Acquisition</h4>
<br />
I usually buy most of my puzzles locally from the puzzlesmith downtown who uses only fresh organic local materials in her low-carbon-footprint zero waste puzzletorium. Sometimes if I'm supporting a local bookstore in person and a puzzle catches my eye I'll use my frequent puzzle e-card to make a paperless transaction in which I receive a puzzle and the merchant receives invisible points deducted from my imaginary account that accrues negative interest and requires a real payment of real promissory notes issued by the Federal Reserve. Or if I have to buy a puzzle on Amazon, I'll make sure to only get fair trade puzzles and also use Amazon Smile which will donate a tiny portion of my purchase to a charity of my choice which happens to be Doctors Without Borders.<br />
<br />
This particular puzzle came from the thrift store. An item with so many small pieces is a thrift-store gamble. But I (often mistakenly) have trust in other people and I trust this puzzle is wholly represented within the taped box. The cost was $.90 + 7% sales tax. That's a deal! I tried to find a retail price for comparison, but its Sears page hasn't been updated since 2011 and does not list a price. $8.39 on eBay, but eBay prices aren't real.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Unboxing The Puzzle</h4>
<br />
Hindsight is something to look at in retrospect with two-eye vision or something. I should have made an unboxing video for youtube. I hear that kids love unboxing videos. Alas.<br />
<br />
The first thing I noticed when I opened the box was a notecard with a message--left, presumably, by the previous owner.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #eeeeee;">A clue? A warning? My eyes were bursting at the seams, eager in anticipation, ready to devour the words, until finally the restraints snapped and my brain let all reading lose upon those morsels called letters comprising the words of the message.</span></blockquote>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhLI8Rsm6PVMkEnslhmbLDlZtQeXeIbZS-Arbe5n0EVAPBfuARieKD2I20OFDimPuWcy6xjxYCWP1VIkn_5HQ4nq5VwTfl9Uo-WEYXHLFEnVzF9fuQwaCRXNfYYZv1k8ysuv3JCTE5OD8X/s1600/puzzle3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhLI8Rsm6PVMkEnslhmbLDlZtQeXeIbZS-Arbe5n0EVAPBfuARieKD2I20OFDimPuWcy6xjxYCWP1VIkn_5HQ4nq5VwTfl9Uo-WEYXHLFEnVzF9fuQwaCRXNfYYZv1k8ysuv3JCTE5OD8X/s400/puzzle3.jpg" width="260" /></a></div>
<br />
The notecard reads: "for 500 pieces -- not so easy -- not for beginner puzzlers.... fun + frustrating"<br />
<br />
So it was an admonition after all. This was all so unexpected. I am not a beginner puzzler, certainly. I like having fun. I don't like being frustrated. Who wrote this? Why did they feel compelled to include this note? Should I even attempt this puzzle at all? Of course, duh.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Setting Up The Puzzle Table</h4>
<br />
I do not have a dedicated puzzle table, but I do have a large smooth piece of wood (<i>thatwhatshesaid</i>) that I can place on a normal table--or, in this case, my coffee table--which provides an excellent surface on which to puzzle. The coffee table, however, proved to be a poor place to puzzle because it required much hunching and leaning and straining. A table height table is the best table height for a table. Something in the 27"-30" range (as measured from table top to floor) would probably be best. If I didn't know that already, maybe I <i>was</i> a beginner puzzler.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Completing The Puzzle</h4>
<br />
I did not take progress pictures because I was super frustrated with this puzzle and ready to throw it out the window and let the crows eat the pieces who would then (by some type of crow magic) flock together toward the puzzle division of Mattel and destroy the machine that produced this puzzle and also text unsavory messages to the person who approved this puzzle. And these text messages would be harassing and frequent and maybe scary but the number can't be traced because crow magic and the puzzle-approver, just short of going full-on insane, decides to never make another puzzle again ever in his/her life and at that very moment he/she doesn't know why but he/she feels instantly relieved of the burden of insanity. And he/she looks off into the gray sky as a murder of crows flies away into the distance and maybe he/she is imagining it but their flock/murder seems strikingly familiar somehow like maybe he/she has seen it before in a dream or a long-forgotten life. And it looked like this:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIB2PR3x0334rmzSWGP8pKZILcophnrXU9ZlLeqm2SSHnc1SJAOKsIwhqAfrbq6otJbTKCTmUEuA1OxuB_s0tG1aeIUbc3P0iOSyTOVvuyytzqdwG0HReTWnuydJJeH_aysz_2QxGIXWDA/s1600/puzzle2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIB2PR3x0334rmzSWGP8pKZILcophnrXU9ZlLeqm2SSHnc1SJAOKsIwhqAfrbq6otJbTKCTmUEuA1OxuB_s0tG1aeIUbc3P0iOSyTOVvuyytzqdwG0HReTWnuydJJeH_aysz_2QxGIXWDA/s400/puzzle2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Proof of my puzzle assembly prowess</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
But you know what? I didn't throw the puzzle out the window because I was having so much fun! The prophecy was true in every aspect.<br />
<br />
What does a person do after completing a puzzle? It is an exercise in futility. Build it, destroy it. A person might conceivably preserve the finished image to display on their wall in a frame. However, jigsaw puzzles are not necessarily the greatest display of skill to present to guests as a trophy. I mean, a 12 year old could do this. Likewise, it's not a particularly stellar reproduction of the original photograph. If a person wanted to display a puzzle image for its beauty, then I would suggest getting a poster of the original image. To create. To destroy. All at your own hands and of your own accord. That is the zen of a puzzle.<br />
<br />
<h4>
The Review</h4>
<br />
To understand how I review this puzzle you, the reader, must understand my puzzle assembly process. There are probably a few different strategies and techniques to puzzle assembly that vary from person to person and puzzle to puzzle. My technique usually starts like this:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Sort---</b>Sift through the box piece by piece and take out all of the edges. Not worrying about placement or counting the individual pieces of a secondhand puzzle, the edges are all placed face up onto the puzzle table.<br /><b>Build a perimeter---</b>Begin to assemble the edge pieces to form the perimeter. Corners are easiest. Next are "strings" of pieces that are easy to piece together based on puzzle image. Then form the strings into longer chains until the complete perimeter of the puzzle has been interconnected.<br /><b>Get all of the pieces face-up on the table---</b>This is not always possible depending on table and puzzle size. For this puzzle it was possible. I began grouping them in neat grids based on the image (black pieces, gray, white) but this quickly devolved into just getting them all out of the box.<br /><b>Fill in the middle---</b>This can happen in chunks (and usually does) where certain areas can be made out and assembled in the general context of the puzzle. Then these islands can be attached together and to the border. This ends with filling in random holes until the puzzle is complete.<br /><b>Important note on assembling a puzzle---</b>Whenever a piece is fit with another piece, the person to fit that piece must use their finger to thump loudly and repeatedly on that piece in order to draw attention to that fact that a piece has been fit even if there is no one else in the room or participating in the puzzle.</blockquote>
<br />
So now lets talk about this damned puzzle.<br />
<br />
Firstly I am unsure if this secondhand puzzle is a complete puzzle. I did not count the pieces individually or by weight. Therefore, any gap in building the puzzle is potentially a missing piece. This plays heavily into frustration when no piece seems to fit in a certain place and I needed to repeat trying pieces or skip that area of the puzzle.<br />
<br />
If you scroll back up or have an eidetic memory then you will notice that on the box picture (from which I base my assembly process) there are no trees along the bottom portion of the lake, but in the actual puzzle there are trees. This adds to my uncertainty of what the box does or does not show. Guessing makes for slow work in a jigsaw puzzle. Misleading representation.<br />
<br />
To add to this frustration, neither the box nor the puzzle image are very well printed. Many areas where I feel there should be a distinct difference in value and texture actually are not that distinct. The smooth sky is black not dark gray and is indistinguishable from the trees in the mountains which also appear black even though they should be lighter with more detail in the terrain. I had to use a flashlight at times to try to see detail in the black pieces. Poorly produced.<br />
<br />
With whites and light grays being indistinguishable, blacks and dark grays, and vast swatches of uninterrupted smooth tones with no defining imagery a lot of this puzzle depended on guess work. Trying to see if a piece fits, flip it, next piece, repeat until all pieces have been tried. It's part of doing a puzzle, but:<br />
<br />
Each piece was not unique. Many puzzle manufacturers will take the trouble to set their cutter (or however it is done) to make each piece unique enough by a large enough margin that there is little doubt whether or not a piece fits in a certain place. Not so with this puzzle. Pieces often fit (and fit well) where they shouldn't and combined with the high level of guess-fitting in this puzzle led to massive frustration. (This is where the crows come in.) To add to this, the only shape of piece was this:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFCd59meqF4Eu8d8MORMEQcjjrEFxVEwGqsaj6i-KSYP2yDaGseuQJNQyhd1_kBwF5dQsIEljCgJGcQF_6qSr6N7DdcItSjTgRyHavgX67fGwIJ9UWuNGm6GoDlp38SyDwo5jkkzT71txz/s1600/puzzle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFCd59meqF4Eu8d8MORMEQcjjrEFxVEwGqsaj6i-KSYP2yDaGseuQJNQyhd1_kBwF5dQsIEljCgJGcQF_6qSr6N7DdcItSjTgRyHavgX67fGwIJ9UWuNGm6GoDlp38SyDwo5jkkzT71txz/s200/puzzle.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
And so it could be placed 2-positions horizontally or 2-positions vertically, alternating like patchwork across the image with no variations which leads to the maximum amount of potential fitting combinations possible in a puzzle compared to those with varied piece shapes.<br />
<br />
Because look at the puzzle. The easiest part was the bottom right corner because it was the only white corner and also had words on it. The easiest border to build was the bottom border because it had trees and a black/white coast line on most of the pieces. Right side was the second easiest border because of striations in scenery. The top border went quickly but I just got lucky that pieces fit on the first try and were in the right place.<br />
<br />
Besides high-contrast coast lines and certain identifiable mountain shadows, this whole puzzle was basically guess work (using pieces that would fit in places they shouldn't!). And that made for a very frustrating puzzle.<br />
<br />
But it was also fun! Puzzles are fun! A challenge is fun! As a recovering photographer I was really looking forward to examining the fine detail--poring over every puzzle piece--in a great Ansel Adams photograph. I didn't really get to do that because of the poor production value, though, I still ended up with a pretty neat looking image in the end that I left intact for two days before destroying and putting back into the box that I will now probably burn so that this evil shall never befall another poor unsuspecting soul. Plus, the harder something is the greater the satisfaction at finishing.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Summary</h4>
<br />
<b>Pieces present: 500/500</b><br />
<b>Box Image: 4/10</b><br />
<b>Final Image: 8/10</b><br />
<b>Production Value: 3/10</b><br />
<b>Difficulty: 8/10</b><br />
<b>Frustration: 10/10</b><br />
<b>Fun: 6/10</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Overall puzzle rating: 4/10 -- Do not recommend</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Time to completion: ~7.5 hrs</b><br />
<b>Time to compose review: ~4.5 hrs</b><br />
<b>Total time invested: ~ 12 hrs</b><br />
<br />
<br />#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-47052667843217471852015-07-23T15:50:00.000-04:002015-07-23T15:50:01.032-04:00Inception At The Dog ParkToday has been a beautiful day. And as my community pool has found itself--once again--contaminated or otherwise unfit for leisure according to whatever association regulates such things; uh, yes, as such...I reasoned that it might be a fine opportunity to take the dog to the park designed for dogs. The Dog Park. Capital proposition, I say, old chap!<br />
<br />
It's a pretty great park. There are small hills, trees, felled trees, plenty to see and do. Although I am always frustrated at the other owners there. Irresponsible. Not picking up (poop) and letting their giant dog with giant dog balls rape all of the other dogs and laughing it off like "ahaha so hilarious! Yes, Bubba loves to rape other dogs! Boys will be boys, amiright? If you don't like it, it's probably your fault for having a rapeable dog." But I guess there are a lot of areas in life where people don't exercise decent behavior.<br />
<br />
So the point of all this: we're at the park and my dog is sniffing around and trying to get petted by other humans and is hanging around this one guy on his cellular phone. And I'm staying close to make sure she doesn't get into any trouble. And I can hear this guy's one side of the conversation as he speaks into his cellular phone.<br />
<br />
Description: Older guy (60's? probably) outdoorsman themed t-shirt tucked into jean shorts. Beer belly. Aviator sunglasses. Ball cap. Didn't think to look at phone (probably a flip phone, possibly a Nokia brick). Couldn't see feet (probably crew length socks under sandals). Dog is a boxer that looks like it has a <a href="http://i.imgur.com/paNLG4H.jpg" target="_blank">shortened spine</a>.<br />
<br />
The first part of the conversation I hear is about some type of glasses or goggles. "Mine look kind of like the old military goggles." And then talking about what kind not to get because you have to be on your back and if you roll over you're done. And then something about 6 hours of sleep on this thing feeling like 9 hours.<br />
<br />
Ah, okay. He's talking about sleep apnea and the devices one can use to sleep better. Right? Maybe. But not quite. Because after a long pause of listening he says "just remember that everyone and everything in your dream is really just you."<br />
<br />
Now, that could just be an old man talking to an old friend who has trouble sleeping and as a result has crazy and vivid dreams. Or. These guys could be Inceptioning. You know, like in the movie <i>Inception</i>. Where people share dreams and go down into dream layers to plant seeds of ideas in people they want to affect. The more I think about it, the more sure I am that these guys are dream controllers.<br />
<br />
So wait, am I in this guy's dream right now? Is this even real? Maybe I will wake up refreshed with no memory of the last decade but with the undeniable urge to create the world's greatest lifestyle blog: PoundExclaim #!<br />
<br />
Everything in your dream is really just you. Not even just dreams. Everything. Perception is reality. All we know is what we perceive. Matrix. Life is a computer program written by aliens. Ancient civilization. Orb of time. Destiny. Inception.#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1934919950712965806.post-70219889280987084252015-06-03T23:30:00.000-04:002015-06-03T23:30:22.777-04:00Summer Cocktails With LeBron James<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWiWwN3p0E3QSsH3muSdquP3NFYLTTqQ8QolTscgRJ57W2qsH5pILVTpyJKgpa6_LyTLK4mulfHHufi39qETfPI63swxl71p-yqLd25q_nGv7q-z2KeEqBb0i0fBoUUoanIB1Z9xwlJHaQ/s1600/lebron+sprite.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWiWwN3p0E3QSsH3muSdquP3NFYLTTqQ8QolTscgRJ57W2qsH5pILVTpyJKgpa6_LyTLK4mulfHHufi39qETfPI63swxl71p-yqLd25q_nGv7q-z2KeEqBb0i0fBoUUoanIB1Z9xwlJHaQ/s400/lebron+sprite.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
So I'm at home watching a terrible reality show on network television (it doesn't matter which one, they're all terrible (it has "America" in the title)) and during one of the multitude of commercial breaks I see one commercial in particular that excites me. It makes me question everything that I know. The game has changed. The script has been flipped. LeBron James has his own flavor of Sprite soda beverage.<br />
<br />
Big deal, so what, right? Wrong. Follow: Michael Jordan has Nike Air Jordans. Sure LeBron has a shoe and so do Carmelo, Shaq, Kobe, Kevin Durant, John Wall, Chris Paul, Dwayne Wade, Derrick Rose(?), Dwight Howard, Stephen Curry, Damian Lillard, and maybe a couple more? But do you see what happens? They go from one-name superstars to who's-it-whats that are basically endorsing a specific flavor of Jordans. No one has anything like Jordans. No kid is out there wrapping his feet in plastic bags on a rainy day so he doesn't smudge his Lillards.<br />
<br />
This is why it's a huge deal that LeBron is getting his own flavor of Sprite. To my extensive soft drink and sports trivia knowledge, no other athlete has had his or her very own flavor. Plenty of endorsements exist, obviously, but you're not going to drive through McDonald's and order a Jeter or Earnhardt Jr with your Supersize Big Mac Extra Value Meal.<br />
<br />
Anyways, that's not the important part. The important part is that Ohio native basketball superstar LeBron James has his own flavor of Sprite and I literally cannot wait to start making specialty cocktails.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: #cc0000; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #ffe599;">Sprite® LeBron’s Mix is here for a limited time. Created with LeBron James, this flavor represents LeBron’s favorite mix of Sprite®: Sprite® with a twist of natural cherry and orange flavors. Available in 16 oz cans, 20 oz bottles and 2L bottles, the unique flavor reflects LeBron’s style and the crisp refreshment of Sprite®.</span></span></blockquote>
<br />
"Created with LeBron James" makes it sound like he's actually <i>an ingredient</i>. "In collaboration with" would have been my choice. But so it's Sprite with Cherry and Orange flavors. We can have fun with this. Let's make some refreshing summer <b><span style="color: orange;">LeBronTails</span></b>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq-qtMtPLVETIKKdH7z5JyAdRuHn9oA7iYYb9gd0hlrBpjl3B8PWcSpO25EAhr-0M7hKkb2kLKd9ZQ_8SMOSmm-s1opzaOC1ZH4Mf-GzkkV8q52aB4FjdzpMtZgO8pUUo56dCo7HDI-IL-/s1600/lebron1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq-qtMtPLVETIKKdH7z5JyAdRuHn9oA7iYYb9gd0hlrBpjl3B8PWcSpO25EAhr-0M7hKkb2kLKd9ZQ_8SMOSmm-s1opzaOC1ZH4Mf-GzkkV8q52aB4FjdzpMtZgO8pUUo56dCo7HDI-IL-/s400/lebron1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The LeBron Jameson</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>The LeBron Jameson</b><br />
<b></b><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>2 oz. Jameson Irish Whiskey</li>
<li>8 oz. LeBron Sprite</li>
</ul>
<br />
Serve on rocks in highball glass. Garnish with orange slice. Mint sprig optional.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj7FyyEHBiFXCFl4iwey0lUDoSWI8ao0u4SKLql5d2FAQ2x6Jgj_-pwXogE_PlTImKCbGV7HUyEpv6zjWs4Xbt6P_CTjguQ37N0NDn8t3wbgx1okP0gr59pfRwMzkU2pbzdS7SfZHFi0zX/s1600/lebron2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj7FyyEHBiFXCFl4iwey0lUDoSWI8ao0u4SKLql5d2FAQ2x6Jgj_-pwXogE_PlTImKCbGV7HUyEpv6zjWs4Xbt6P_CTjguQ37N0NDn8t3wbgx1okP0gr59pfRwMzkU2pbzdS7SfZHFi0zX/s400/lebron2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bartles and LeBron James</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Bartles and LeBron James</b><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>4 oz. Peach Schnapps</li>
<li>1 oz. Strawberry Vodka</li>
<li>6 oz. LeBron Sprite</li>
</ul>
<br />
Serve in Tom Collins glass on crushed ice. Garnish with a maraschino cherry and paper umbrella.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0be4q733F_X6txDd1sTpF1-ECyDuRDtJXL_ZZWWSBKp1Q-m5J-vn7hmQ2dU5N7xpuWBB99oZQUtfMXQcFjgHO5WhgzarTs2CHbHFHkQ9rmnjF6MjJwB3D3ViE8YG07cJT4ignkswT2BpA/s1600/lebron4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0be4q733F_X6txDd1sTpF1-ECyDuRDtJXL_ZZWWSBKp1Q-m5J-vn7hmQ2dU5N7xpuWBB99oZQUtfMXQcFjgHO5WhgzarTs2CHbHFHkQ9rmnjF6MjJwB3D3ViE8YG07cJT4ignkswT2BpA/s400/lebron4.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cleveland Steamer</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Cleveland Steamer</b><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>3 oz. Barcardi 151 Spiced Rum</li>
<li>4-6 oz. LeBron Sprite</li>
</ul>
<br />
Serve in a low-ball glass. Set rum on fire then extinguish with LeBron Sprite. Chug. No poop.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj36Yz9MZ-j2d6D_LHnmqy9WfBCto63bLoMmXRm85cvJXn44TURFXeThI62ZOravZukJ7qBORF-g4Ma2ooEzffijT9uGPEM3M32RITbc4B-6NNKWi1IEMDU9GK0_xAfinFVDQoit7lXgJak/s1600/lebron3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj36Yz9MZ-j2d6D_LHnmqy9WfBCto63bLoMmXRm85cvJXn44TURFXeThI62ZOravZukJ7qBORF-g4Ma2ooEzffijT9uGPEM3M32RITbc4B-6NNKWi1IEMDU9GK0_xAfinFVDQoit7lXgJak/s400/lebron3.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Melon Baller LeBron</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Melon Baller LeBron</b><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Cantelope scooped into melon balls</li>
<li>1 oz. gin</li>
<li>1 oz. white rum</li>
<li>6 oz. LeBron Sprite</li>
<li>splash of Grenadine</li>
</ul>
<br />
Fill glass with frozen melon balls. Add gin, rum, and LeBron Sprite. Finish with a splash of grenadine being careful not to stir until served.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQLdixdcwQx7XYPyXa-yLkuIbjxZJtTIYVobSAVkCInAS-PxbmPd6db6z08-FGSqonkNEXwb2ioCrEWrE94zTz41-1XrNhUYHrB7fj9mxfBvP7ONWmO5mNyntfi-SkkQdOTFATX4Q6T6WU/s1600/lebron5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQLdixdcwQx7XYPyXa-yLkuIbjxZJtTIYVobSAVkCInAS-PxbmPd6db6z08-FGSqonkNEXwb2ioCrEWrE94zTz41-1XrNhUYHrB7fj9mxfBvP7ONWmO5mNyntfi-SkkQdOTFATX4Q6T6WU/s400/lebron5.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The King James</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>The King James</b><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>2 oz. Crown Royal</li>
<li>1 oz. Goldschlager</li>
<li>6 oz. LeBron Sprite</li>
</ul>
<br />
Serve in a chilled champagne flute. Dip the rim of the flute in cherry Pop-Rocks before filling.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLxXh2zpJr5wCfLzfPaJz1jOh2gpd4DQVak1ZDIC4HsVbUFETL1TdZUt0UBkhAhv0_VqhG4TWvNz9MhfnrXQ0bHYrjNRHSQm2x3SLz0GLR7azMlBKmuvOlo2GMxQgi3fPFcz5NMmkFhhkn/s1600/lebron6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLxXh2zpJr5wCfLzfPaJz1jOh2gpd4DQVak1ZDIC4HsVbUFETL1TdZUt0UBkhAhv0_VqhG4TWvNz9MhfnrXQ0bHYrjNRHSQm2x3SLz0GLR7azMlBKmuvOlo2GMxQgi3fPFcz5NMmkFhhkn/s400/lebron6.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Miami Heat</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>The Miami Heat</b><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>6 oz. Fireball</li>
<li>2 Pineapple Lifesavers</li>
<li>12 oz. can of LeBron Sprite</li>
</ul>
<br />
Drink half the can of LeBron Sprite. Then take 4 - 1.5oz shots of Fireball whiskey. Two of those shots have pineapple Lifesavers in them. Then go back and finish your LeBron Sprite.<br />
<br />
This game is so much fun, you guys. You could probably even implement drinking-game-rules with "party fouls" and "shot clocks," if you get what I mean. I want to hear your ideas for <b><span style="color: orange;">LeBronTails</span></b>. If you try any of these fun recipes or come up with your own, snap some pics and tag us on social media, or whatever. <b><span style="color: orange;">#PoundExclaim #LeBronTails</span></b>. This is shaping up to be the best summer ever!#!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16869841227024684439noreply@blogger.com0