In a very cool homage to the Beastie Boys’ rapper MCA–who died last week–Portland filmmaker and all around awesome dad (probably), James Winters, has remade the “Sabotage” video using actual boys. I mean, this nails it. Check out the video:
Just a little slice of pure Americana
It’s almost that magical time of year again. Time to get pumped for the free summer concert at Dayton’s The Greene outdoor lifestyle community (outdoor mall). Every summer they have free shows and entertainers throughout the week. And for one of those free shows–the big one–they get a notable band to come out. Usually it’s a band past its prime, with radio hits from the 90′s or 00′s.
In past years we’ve seen hit bands such as Gin Blossoms, the guy from Live basically singing Live songs, and regrettably (I missed the concert) Mandy Moore. What alt-rock skeleton of a band looking to kick off a new tour did the promo-staff at The Greene hook this year?
Fuel
Remember that band Fuel? Yeah you do. With songs like “Shimmer” and “Innocent” and “Hemorrhage (in my hands)” who could forget this iconic rock legend? This should actually be a pretty good show. (They’re all pretty good).
In even better news, guess their opening band? I’ll bet some of you know who it is. Yeah, the biggest band in Dayton. Spungewurthy. (Also an opening band HeyThere Morgan (who?)). It should look and sound exactly like this.
The date to remember: Thursday July 19. Opening bands start at 6. Fuel should start around 8:30-9 so they can finish by 10 (school night (noise ordinance)). I’m so pumped you guys!
Does this thing have Instagram?
Million vs Billion. There is a big difference between those numbers. Just ask Carl Sagan. “Billions and Billions of galaxies.” That’s where I fail as a journalist. I was all psyched to type an article about the most expensive Leica camera. I like cameras and the internet is blowing up with stories about a rare old Leica camera that fetched $2.8M at auction, making it the world’s most expensive camera. (You could make a joke about new Leica’s being expensive too, but you’re above that–it’s so played out, dude).
So I wanted to make a joke about who bought the camera. As you may also be aware, JPMorgan Chase just lost upwards of $2B in wreckless money laundering hedge fund investments. Do you see what my brain was thinking? That maybe Chase bought the worlds most expensive camera, except my numbers are off by about a couple thousand. As soon as I realized the numbers didn’t match up this article disintegrated.
But I was already committed to presenting the information. There you have it, the ingredients have been laid out. Make the cake in your own oven.
For the record:
Leica: The 1923 0-series Leica is one of 31 in the first batch ever made. Twelve are known to still be in existence, with even less of those dozen in good condition. It sold to an anonymous European. (My guess is that Nic Sarkozy needed to pick up a new hobby–with the most ostentatiously expensive equipment, of course).
JP Morgan Chase: They lost $2B+ and are under investigation by various agencies, including the SEC. This bank was so good at weathering the 2008 financial collapse, so this news is extra scary. Obviously, everyone is wondering if they adhered to the not-yet-implemented Volcker Rule. I am on the edge of my seat. Investment Chief Ina Drew and her underlings are all retiring. [Insert misogynistic comment about women and money]. You know, I like hearing CEO Jamie Dimon’s name on the radio because it sounds like “diamond” and I think that is a better last name for the CEO of the worlds most powerful bank.
Whoa, what?! It comes in bottles too!?
It’s been so beautiful outside lately. After a long hard day of working for the man it’s only natural to want to kick back with a smooth delicious alcohol drink and enjoy the sunshine. A couple days ago I’m thinking just this, so I make a pit stop at the local independently owned mom & pop small town grocery store (Giant Eagle) in search of the perfect nice day beverage.
Besides loving IPA’s in general, they’re especially good on nice days. I love the crisp hoppy flavor and flowery aroma. Effervescent refreshment. It might be a good day for some Sierra Nevada, I think to myself as I approach the beer aisle. Just then, as I am contemplating the quality vs price-point ratio of the cases in front of me, I notice a glimmer out of the corner of my eye (the glimmer didn’t come out of the corner of my eye, but I noticed the glimmer using my periphery vision).
*Sparkle*
There it was again. “Is there a vampire hiding somewhere?” I wonder quietly. Like the mirror of a lost hiker reflecting the sun–crying out for my attention–the sparkle persists. I could be hallucinating at this point, but I swear I can hear the chorus of a thousand angels begin to swell in some far-off place. Then I look. I see it. I have discovered the source of the sparkle and angel voices. Ten feet to the left, hiding between mountains of domestic brews I spot the diamond in the rough. At this point there is no question as to what I’ll be carrying out of the store.
Bud Light Lime Lime-A-Rita Margarita With A Twist
I can’t resist products like this. Gimmicks with snappy marketing are my Achilles’ heel. So what is it? BLLL-A-RMWAT is a “malt beverage with natural flavors and caramel color added.” The box and can both proudly proclaim 8% alcohol by volume.
Price: $11.99 for a case of twelve 8 ounce cans. Eight ounce cans. This didn’t register when I was buying them, but they are tiny baby cans. Like a V8 juice. It reduces the overall value of the product, but if you pour it into a cup “on rocks” then you hardly notice the missing 4 ounces. In fact, the can itself encourages you to “Try it over ice!” most likely as a ploy to get you to forget about the small can.
Impressions: The liquid itself is margarita colored. It is fizzy too. It’s like a weird combination of margarita diluted with Bud Light Lime. The drink isn’t really a margarita, and it isn’t really beer. It has a pretty limey nose (or “smell”), kind of sugary like a sports drink. And it tastes delicious! If you are going to illegally provide strongish alcohol to underage girls, this is the stuff to get. They will drink it like candy and not notice how drunk they are getting. I can see this drink being really popular with high schoolers and college kids. I was going to say college freshmen, but lets be honest…everyone is drinking this.
This is a really strong contender for the official summer refreshment beverage. Just like Land Shark Beer was the beer of the year way back in, uh…2006?
BLLL-A-RMWAT would be great to stick in a cooler for a ride out on the boat. The can’s diminutive size can actually be an asset when sneaking a few of these into places where you aren’t supposed to have them. Budweiser knows exactly what they’re doing. What are you doing? Go buy this!
Well shoot, this spoils my plans for the year. According to new research and discoveries, the world won’t end in December 2012. In fact, it is just the end of a baktun–or, period of time equal to 394.26 human earth years.
Indiana Jones discovered a small room in a temple and unearthed the oldest Mayan calendar ever discovered, which goes well into the future. Or something. He kept demanding that it belonged in a museum. We are in the 13th baktun and doomsday prophets have forsooth that the world will end at the end of this baktun. The newly discovered calendar, however, goes to 17 baktuns. So there’s at least another thousand years. Astronomically.
Hey listen archeologists, just because it’s written in stone doesn’t make it right. You yourself admit that it’s an older calendar. Therefore, it could be wrong and was replaced by the newer more accurate 13 baktun calendar. The aliens are just messing with us at this point. It’s like the scientist aliens left the room for space coffee and the alien interns are poking at our anthill of a planet with their space sticks.
Oh well. 4 more baktuns! 4 more baktuns!
The news is overwhelming. In fact, I’ve been in a news coma. I don’t even know where to start with all of the news of the world. Especially now that I listen to public broadcasting all day long, my brain is filled with left wing socialist propaganda an accurate portrayal of important events around the world. Let’s see what we’ve been missing.
Your Childhood Is Dying
One person at a time, you slowly begin to realize your mortality. Last week, Beastie Boys’ MCA went to rap heaven. This week, brilliant author/illustrator Maurice Sendak went to an island of wild things–where they are. If you don’t know this man or his work, you had bad parents. Just to round this out and add fuel to your superstitions that “people die in threes,” I’ll say another name you recognize to complete your trifecta of death: Vidal Sassoon. The famous hairdresser with a shampoo empire can now give Jesus a fabulous makeover.
Underwear Bombs
Al-Qaida finally got an underwear bomber onto a plane again. Good job TSA. It was even a new underwear bomb that had a second detonator in case the first one failed. And the skivvies happened to be very fashionable–able to pass a physical pat-down and also get through metal detectors. Lucky for America, the terrorist wearing the underpants was actually an American spy deep undercover! He infiltrated al-Qaida, went through training, and volunteered to be a suicide bomber, then Ashton Kutcher jumped out because al-Qaida got punked!
While we’re all patting ourselves on the back for how awesome American spies are and how the situation is under control–it’s not under control! That could have been an actual terrorist that got through security and was sitting on the airplane! And the government is all “we’re announcing it to embarrass al-Qaida and prove this bomb is ineffective so that they won’t be encouraged to try this for realz.” The problem, though, is that it did work, minus the blowing up part. And it’s like giving anti-biotics to a bacteria, it will morph into a new strain that is resistant.
I’ll leave the big talk to the big shots, but this is way scarier than USA is pretending to admit.
American Idol No Hitter
Results are in about an hour from writing this sentence. I hope I don’t jinx him. Oh, didn’t you hear? Phillip Phillips (real name) the awesome contestant on Fox’s hit show American Idol, has never been in the bottom three. That’s not a sex joke, non-Idol-watchers. Each week, the three with the least amount of votes are herded by Ryan Seacrest and then one of them is executed in sacrifice to the bird-witch, Steven Tyler. Anyways, PhilPhil is singing a no-hitter. He could have a perfect game. It would be a first in the 11 season history of American Idol. Here’s hoping.
New York Legalizes Child Pornography
That’s the headline you might read in a sensationalist or Rupert Murdoch newspaper. What really happened is this: NY passed a law to differentiate between intentional procurement of child pornography and incidental happenstance of child pornography. It basically says it is not illegal in-and-of-itself to view child porn on the internet. Downloading a jpg: illegal. Having an image in your browser cache: not illegal. If you’re trying to view sexual minors, you’re still gonna get busted you pedophile. But sometimes on the internet you can’t control what pops up in your browser. You’re searching for a tasty brownies recipe and BAM! there is some lewd image in a spam pop-up. Don’t worry, you won’t go to jail. But hey, if you want to view naked children, move to Europe.
Obama Is Okay With Gay
The POTUS Obama said candidly to a camera, “I believe gay couples should be able to get married.” And it’s kind of a lose-lose comment. Conservatives are lambasting him and so are gays! We already know the arguments of the right, “errr! arrr! man and a woman! what next, marrying dogs and ice cream? derrrr!” But the gays are upset that Obama didn’t say that it’s their right to marry just as any other human being has the right to marry. Oh dear. What’s the big deal you guys?
North Carolina Is Not Okay With Gay
Our neighbors to the down-right on the map passed issue A1 to their state constitution banning gay marriage and civil unions. I believe the governor of NC is gay. Hmmm. Will there be another civil war? This time between the pink (gay) and mismatched denim (straight) states.
Tuition Is Too Damn High
The kids are complaining that college–although it’s the new high school–is too expensive. Students are left with worthless degrees and massive debt. This is a hot button issue that we will hear more about. Can we just form an underground society of brains that educates for free? Because an educated nation is way better than a stupid one, although way harder to control.
I dunno guys. A lot of stuff. News and junk. Coming soon: Product Review: Bud Light Lime Lime-A-Rita Margarita -With A Twist- (the review won’t have a twist, that’s the tagline on the can).
Basketball superstar Shaquille O’Neal has received his doctorate’s degree in education. He is a doctor. Of education. Shaq.
Known as one of the greatest athletes of all time, Shaq also is a prolific actor. Films: Blue Chips, Kazaam, Steel, Freddy Got Fingered, The Wash, and more. And now he is Dr. O’Neal.
Weep, young/middle-aged grads. Goals are always easier when institutions want to capitalize on your celebrity. But for realz, congratz Dr. Shaq. I <3 U.
Adam Yauch, or MCA, has died at the age of 47 after a three year fight with cancer. Beastie Boys rule.
jus need some buttah
I hope you like shrimp. Or, I hope you don’t like shrimp. (Prawns). Because the American East Coast is under invasion by the Asian Tiger Shrimp, which is sized more like a lobster. Shrimps are cannibalistic so these giant scrumps are eating all of the normal sized scrumps.
Shrimp soup, shrimp dip, shrimp gumbo, shrimp cocktail…
No one knows how they got there. They are not welcome here. Much like the Giant Asian Carp ravaging our waterways, the Giant Asian Tiger Shrimp is ravaging our coasts. Our ecosystem just can’t sustain these hungry monsters. (What’s with all of these hungry giant Asian marine life creatures infiltrating American water?)
The tiger shrimps have been measured up to 13″ long at a quarter pound! If you spot one in the wild, call the USGS. We have to get this shrimp invasion under control. Also, be on the lookout for some really good deals on huge shrimp platters at Red Lobster in the near future.
