Sunday, February 04, 2018

Last Minute Preview and Predictions for Super Bowl LII

We are mere hours away from Super Bowl LII (52?) where the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles will battle it out on the gridiron for the Championship Title: "NFL Champions." Who will win? What are you eating? Where will you watch it? What are you wearing?

I'm wearing jersey knit bottoms in charcoal by Fruit of the Loom with a soft all-cotton Hanes Beefy-T in Aquatic Blue featuring a screen print of Widespread Panic's 2008 Red Rocks tour design. And despite being red carpet ready, I'll be watching the match from home to avoid all of the cool dudes and dudettes who drive after drinking. Hey, buzzed driving is drunk driving, you guyz.

Speaking of catching a buzz, no American Football game would be complete without a bevy of frosty ones waiting to be cracked. Like all red blooded blue collar Americans I like to have a fridge full of Bud Light at all times. If I were a king I would command my court wizard to magically transform all of my possessions into cases of Bud Light. Dilly dilly. What a great advertising campaign! I can't wait to see their Super Bowl commercials!

And that's really the point of the Super Bowl, right? Viewing advertising! There are 32 teams in the NFL and only 2 of them are playing. Statistically, only 6.25% of football fans care about the outcome of this match. For everyone else it's about eating way too much food and drinking beer and hanging out with buddies. And displays of athleticism.

I guess it's also about politics now though. Who will stand and who will sit during the National Anthem? What opinions will sportscasters have? We must divide our country at all costs so that they are fragile and more receptive to advertising.

You know, I woke up this morning with the regret that I spend so much time asleep where I can't yet receive targeted and relevant advertising.

This Bud Light is really good. It's the perfect beer-style drink to wash down my Doritos flavored corn tortilla chips. I got the new flavor "BLAZE!" and am very eager to try eating them. I can tell by the package design that they will taste fun, and maybe a little bit hot because there are wafts of smoke illustrated above the enlarged to show texture chip on front of the bag. And the illustrated chip itself is surrounded in a fire-like glow. Potential Doritos Blaze review upcoming.

Will these be hottt? How bad is tomorrow going to be for me?

Let's talk some more about Bud Light. On the front of the can it proudly boasts that it is made with rice. Talk about trying to turn your liabilities into assets. It's still beer. It'll still get you turnt. It'll take "no" out of your vocabulary so that it is easier to commit sex crimes. And so but, like, you know, come on.

But wait, there's more food. 7 layer dip! Guacamole! A vegetable tray! Pizza! Cookies shaped like footballs! And the best sports food: wings! Watching football without chicken wings is like being a lumberjack that doesn't wear flannel.

Who Will Win?

The "Iggles" are the underdog who many people want to see win because they are tired of the Patriot's dynasty and Tom Brady's smug face. But the Patriots are so good for a reason. What are some factors going into today's matchup?

Half of the Eagles have the flu. (Bird flu?)
Gronkowski is out for the Pats (concussed)
Brady has stitches in his hand
I don't know. Do your own gambling research. Reading sports blogs is hard work and confusing.
What it really comes down to is mascots and the national mood.
What is more patriotic than a Patriot? But what is more American than an eagle? In hand to hand combat a human man would beat a bird eagle 99% of the time. In fact, humans are so good at killing animals that bald eagles are/were endangered. But how do Americans feeeel? Many are upset with the current state of affairs and aren't feeling very Patriotic at all, but still feel like America means something. America is all that is good and right in the world. Where else can you ride a go-cart to buy more Doritos because you are too large to support your own weight than in America? And the EAGLE is a symbol of that. We love symbolism.
We also know that the NFL is rigged, though. Do you know who won the Super Bowl at the end of the season that spanned 9/11/2001? The New England Patriots! Just when it was a time where America needed to feel unified and powerful and pride for the nation. The books could be cooked this year again. MAGA and such.

Regardless of what happens, we can count of Philadelphians to not behave like normal rational people. A win will see them flipping cars in celebration. A loss will see them burning cars in frustration. Minneapolis PD & Philly PD have their work cut out for them tonight.

I am predicting an upset. Eagles over Pats 27-26. It will come down to the wire. There will be questionable calls. Someone will have a career-threatening injury. Someone will be ejected from the game. Oh I forgot to talk about half-time.


Justin Timberlake returns to prove that he still makes music. Last Super Bowl Half-Time Show that JT did, he surprised us all on live TV by ripping away the dress of Janet Jackson and showing us her crusty boob with a star pasty. (You can't pull this kind of stunt anymore because the nation is on high alert with sexual misconduct stuff). Expect Left Shark to make a guest appearance? Fingers crossed for an Andy Samberg cameo appearance.
I watched a new Justin Timberlake video on youtube yesterday, something about a lumberjack. The song could've been written for Meaghan Trainor. Music is weird how sometimes none of it matters, just shut up and listen and buy the album you idiot. It was also weird because JT is aging out of his boyish good looks into regular-old handsome good looks. I am curious to see how his image/career changes as he ages.

This was supposed to be short. Have a fun and safe Super Bowl LII. Eat plenty and don't drink and drive! God Bless!

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