Friday, February 21, 2014

Feeling Lucky, Punk? Pound Exclaim Tries Drinking Miller Fortune Beer

Up all night to get lucky.

Sort of Beer Review

Wait, does that mean that this is sort of a review; or that it is sort of beer? Yes.

Here's what happened

I'm at the grocery store walking around thinking about what to eat for dinner (hint: frozen pizza) and those devils put the beer and pizza aisles in very close proximity--one might even say adjacent, damn them. And I've got one of those hand baskets and it won't hold a box of pizza unless the basket is empty and the box is at an angle and you still have to kind of crunch the corners in to get the handles up. But that's neither here nor there (that expression makes no sense, because it's obviously here).

One of the end caps is showcasing this new beer called Miller Fortune. I have to get it. Flat out. Coming out this time of year and being this type of product, I am somewhat baffled as to why it did not have a Super Bowl commercial like Bud Light Platinum did [x] years ago.

Funny you should mention Bud Light Platinum (BLPl). This appears to be Miller's answer to BLPl.

Fortune, BLPl, and the Premium Cheap Beer Trend

Craft beer is in right now. Stores have greater than ever selections of fine beers and microbrews from all over, including your city! (Or close by, probably). And the selection keeps growing. And micro breweries and brew pubs are popping up everywhere too. This is great for beer drinkers. This is not great for mega-beer-corporations.

It is up to InBev and MillerCoors to come up with creative ways to poach this market without alienating their core market of hardworking light-lager-drinking Americans. $10 will get you a pretty good sixer of craft beer, or 30 cans of swill. In this economy (thanks, Obama), who can deny the, uh, economy of, um, economy beer drinking.

So we've been seeing the result of this in the form of slightly heavier, slightly more alcoholic, slightly more expensive options from Miller, Budweiser, and Coors. (Sidenote: look on wikipedia, there are basically only two beer companies).

There is Coors Third Shift -- the beer makers are so passionate (and hardworking Americans) about making your beer that after they clock out, they stay on the clock to try their own recipes. First, this is theft. Second, it's acknowledging that Coors is dissatisfying.

Then Budweiser had their contest where you could buy a variety case of beer that were new recipes "created by" their (hardworking American) brew masters, also after clocking out. Apparently Bud workers are just as dissatisfied with the product they make.

Budweiser also has BLPl, obviously. The goal of this was less "craft beer" and more "babe, I'mma get u drunk."

And now we get to,
JUN3014. I have 1000 years to drink this

Miller Fortune

Like BLPl, Fortune's goal is to get u drunk, grrrl. With an ABV of 6.9%, this beer is strong enough to help you forget about how hard you worked today, fellow American. Although, at $7.49 for six bottles, it is hardly a value. A dollar or two more can get you [spoiler alert] a waaay better beer. And a few dollars less can get you a similar tasting beer and will also fill more red cups.

Let's Look At It

The bottle is very dark. It is a thick/heavier glass than, say MGD or other entry level beer. Rappers say "murdered out" when talking about black on black on black. Miller Fortune is that. And the bottle has a sexy shape with nice angles that slope inward toward the base. You won't find any vortex technology, but there are a set of pleasure ridges both at the bottom and the top. The Miller Fortune logo is a spade (like in playing cards) with the letter M in the middle.

What does Fortune mean?

Using the logo as a clue, this beer is probably supposed to be lucky and bring you good fortune at the casino. If it was fortune like an amassed amount of money it would probably have a different pictogram. If it was fortune like "i sure am fortunate to have a loving family" it would also probably have a different pictogram. But gambling is cool and poor people love to do it (rich people too!). And a poor person who thinks he/she is baller would definitely spend the extra money on this beer before going to watch the ponies play blackjack.

This beer allows the drinker to experience something familiar from a familiar company while also seeming cooler and spending more money. Oh, and also getting more drunk. It's a win win win.

After all of this winning, you can celebrate your Fortune with a Miller High Life, the champagne of beer!

I can't get it open

It's not a twist off. You have to pry off the cap. That's how you know it's Premium. The same M-Spade logo is printed on top and also underneath the cap. Premium.

Drinking It

This is not a beer that necessitates a cup. But since we're feeling fancy...

Appearance: it pours with a clear red caramel color. Very little head. Pretty bubbly. The packaging describes it as a "spirited golden lager." It's more orange than gold.

Smell: It smells malty and beery. Have you ever been to a college party? The way the room smells the next day after everyone has gone home is the way this beer smells.

Taste: It tastes like beer. You don't get a punch from the extra alcohol, so it's very sessionable. But it tastes a little more on the malt liquor side. Mix a MGD with a King Cobra and you get the idea.

Mouthfeel: It starts crisp because of the coldness and bubbles, but finishes kind of sticky and vapory. Go downtown and start a conversation with a bum and get in really close and take a deep inhale. It's like that inside your mouth. (Miller Fortune: Like huffing bum vapors! (I should sell 5 Gum!))


I knew before buying this that it I probably wouldn't tick the [ ]Would Buy Again box on the survey. I also knew it wasn't worth the price premium. It took a great personal psychological sacrifice to allow myself to buy this. (But it was new and I had to try it!) The only reasons I could see buying this again are if it drops in price or if I am going to do a head-to-head review with another beer.

This is a renaissance era for beer and there are just so many more way better options to try than to waste time, money, effort, and taste on bad beer. Honestly, I can't really think of any specific type of person or demographic that would buy this beer regularly. Maybe it becomes a gimmick for a subset of people. I could also see it doing well in bars if it cost the same as the other domestic drafts. Otherwise, I don't expect to see this beer still on shelves by the time George P. Bush is president.

Buy local, you guys. Support your breweries.

1 comment:

  1. Like huffing Bum vapors...awesome. ..points for the Always Sunny reference picture!