POUND EXCLAIM # !

Up all night to get lucky.

Sort of Beer Review

Wait, does that mean that this is sort of a review; or that it is sort of beer? Yes.

Here's what happened

I'm at the grocery store walking around thinking about what to eat for dinner (hint: frozen pizza) and those devils put the beer and pizza aisles in very close proximity--one might even say adjacent, damn them. And I've got one of those hand baskets and it won't hold a box of pizza unless the basket is empty and the box is at an angle and you still have to kind of crunch the corners in to get the handles up. But that's neither here nor there (that expression makes no sense, because it's obviously here).

One of the end caps is showcasing this new beer called Miller Fortune. I have to get it. Flat out. Coming out this time of year and being this type of product, I am somewhat baffled as to why it did not have a Super Bowl commercial like Bud Light Platinum did [x] years ago.

Funny you should mention Bud Light Platinum (BLPl). This appears to be Miller's answer to BLPl.

Fortune, BLPl, and the Premium Cheap Beer Trend

Craft beer is in right now. Stores have greater than ever selections of fine beers and microbrews from all over, including your city! (Or close by, probably). And the selection keeps growing. And micro breweries and brew pubs are popping up everywhere too. This is great for beer drinkers. This is not great for mega-beer-corporations.

It is up to InBev and MillerCoors to come up with creative ways to poach this market without alienating their core market of hardworking light-lager-drinking Americans. $10 will get you a pretty good sixer of craft beer, or 30 cans of swill. In this economy (thanks, Obama), who can deny the, uh, economy of, um, economy beer drinking.

So we've been seeing the result of this in the form of slightly heavier, slightly more alcoholic, slightly more expensive options from Miller, Budweiser, and Coors. (Sidenote: look on wikipedia, there are basically only two beer companies).

There is Coors Third Shift -- the beer makers are so passionate (and hardworking Americans) about making your beer that after they clock out, they stay on the clock to try their own recipes. First, this is theft. Second, it's acknowledging that Coors is dissatisfying.

Then Budweiser had their contest where you could buy a variety case of beer that were new recipes "created by" their (hardworking American) brew masters, also after clocking out. Apparently Bud workers are just as dissatisfied with the product they make.

Budweiser also has BLPl, obviously. The goal of this was less "craft beer" and more "babe, I'mma get u drunk."

And now we get to,

JUN3014. I have 1000 years to drink this

Miller Fortune

Like BLPl, Fortune's goal is to get u drunk, grrrl. With an ABV of 6.9%, this beer is strong enough to help you forget about how hard you worked today, fellow American. Although, at $7.49 for six bottles, it is hardly a value. A dollar or two more can get you [spoiler alert] a waaay better beer. And a few dollars less can get you a similar tasting beer and will also fill more red cups.

Let's Look At It

The bottle is very dark. It is a thick/heavier glass than, say MGD or other entry level beer. Rappers say "murdered out" when talking about black on black on black. Miller Fortune is that. And the bottle has a sexy shape with nice angles that slope inward toward the base. You won't find any vortex technology, but there are a set of pleasure ridges both at the bottom and the top. The Miller Fortune logo is a spade (like in playing cards) with the letter M in the middle.

What does Fortune mean?

Using the logo as a clue, this beer is probably supposed to be lucky and bring you good fortune at the casino. If it was fortune like an amassed amount of money it would probably have a different pictogram. If it was fortune like "i sure am fortunate to have a loving family" it would also probably have a different pictogram. But gambling is cool and poor people love to do it (rich people too!). And a poor person who thinks he/she is baller would definitely spend the extra money on this beer before going to watch the ponies play blackjack.

This beer allows the drinker to experience something familiar from a familiar company while also seeming cooler and spending more money. Oh, and also getting more drunk. It's a win win win.

After all of this winning, you can celebrate your Fortune with a Miller High Life, the champagne of beer!

I can't get it open

It's not a twist off. You have to pry off the cap. That's how you know it's Premium. The same M-Spade logo is printed on top and also underneath the cap. Premium.

Drinking It

This is not a beer that necessitates a cup. But since we're feeling fancy...

Appearance: it pours with a clear red caramel color. Very little head. Pretty bubbly. The packaging describes it as a "spirited golden lager." It's more orange than gold.

Smell: It smells malty and beery. Have you ever been to a college party? The way the room smells the next day after everyone has gone home is the way this beer smells.

Taste: It tastes like beer. You don't get a punch from the extra alcohol, so it's very sessionable. But it tastes a little more on the malt liquor side. Mix a MGD with a King Cobra and you get the idea.

Mouthfeel: It starts crisp because of the coldness and bubbles, but finishes kind of sticky and vapory. Go downtown and start a conversation with a bum and get in really close and take a deep inhale. It's like that inside your mouth. (Miller Fortune: Like huffing bum vapors! (I should sell 5 Gum!))

Conclusion

I knew before buying this that it I probably wouldn't tick the [ ]Would Buy Again box on the survey. I also knew it wasn't worth the price premium. It took a great personal psychological sacrifice to allow myself to buy this. (But it was new and I had to try it!) The only reasons I could see buying this again are if it drops in price or if I am going to do a head-to-head review with another beer.

This is a renaissance era for beer and there are just so many more way better options to try than to waste time, money, effort, and taste on bad beer. Honestly, I can't really think of any specific type of person or demographic that would buy this beer regularly. Maybe it becomes a gimmick for a subset of people. I could also see it doing well in bars if it cost the same as the other domestic drafts. Otherwise, I don't expect to see this beer still on shelves by the time George P. Bush is president.

Buy local, you guys. Support your breweries.

I use the term "food" very loosely in this instance. Today I am reviewing Post's New! Poppin' Pebbles. It's a sweetened rice cereal with Poppin' Pieces which FIZZES in your MOUTH with BURSTIN' BERRY flavor! All of this is on the front of the box.

Now, I'm not really a cereal eater. It's been few and far in between my last bowl of cereal. Every now and again I'll get a hankering for some Life or Corn Pops or Fruity Pebbles or some other cereal from my childhood. But it's been a while since I've walked down the cereal aisle looking at all of the variations of [processed GMO corn with added sugars and colors].

This new flavor of children's cereal actually came to my attention via National Public Radio's website, NPR.org. Surprising, right? As soon as I saw it, though, I knew I had to have it.

Buying It

Sometimes it's difficult to find the "trend food" that is blowing up corners of the internet. This was not difficult to find. I was at Target and they had it. It was like $2.38 for a box, or some weird price close to that. I was there to buy socks, but I guess no one still sells wool boot socks in the middle of winter. They're already starting to merchandise the spring gear. Anyways, with cereal acquired, I grab a couple other items and head up to the checkout to get my credit card information stolen again.

The Unboxing

It's a smallish narrow box. I would guess there about 4ish man-sized servings inside. The bag inside is the plastic that rips not along the seam, but down the side when opened. So like, after a pour you lift it up and since there isn't a neat edge, a couple pebbles don't make it back into the sack and fall down into the sides of the box. There are words or a puzzle or sweepstakes or something inside the box. I'll update when I finish the cereal and rip the box inside out.

In The Bowl

The cereal is normal fruity pebbles with a scattering of green balls. They look a lot like the dehydrated wasabi peas, actually. Maybe fun for kids that don't eat those, but confusing-looking for adult taste-buds. I added 2% milk to a level just beneath the top layer, where the top layer stayed dry.

Side Story

Back in the college I had a bowl or two of Nati Pebbles. I forget the context, like did I declare "Natty Light is good with anything!" or if it happened just because, hey, college. (It's Fruity Pebbles with Natural Light beer instead of milk, if you're still wondering). It wasn't delicious. It wasn't terrible, either. Anyways, there's some pressure to try Natty Poppin' Pebbles, but I am scared it might end up like Mentos and Diet Pepsi. I mean, there are all of those urban legends true stories about kids that down a bag of Pop Rocks then chug a Sprite and their stomachs explode. It's true--look it up!

Eating It

Before adding milk, I stuck one of the Poppin' Balls in my mouth. I wanted to taste it alone. By itself, I mean; though I was alone too--you'd have to be so so alone to make this dinner.

It's Pop Rocks.

The Poppin' Balls are quite literally Pop Rocks. I don't know if they are brand name Pop Rocks, but it is the exact same candy. And they are suspended in a sweat corn meal ball that is probably coated with something to keep the Pop Rocks dry until they are in your mouth.

I listened to the cereal after pouring in the milk. There was nothing going on. It's not like Rice Krispies where you hear a chorus of dying elves snapping, krackling, and popping. Silent. So yeah, the Poppin' Balls are coated in something to keep them from exploding before getting into your mouth.

The ratio and distribution was good too. I got a ball in enough bites that I didn't feel like I wasn't getting enough balls in my mouth. Also, I wasn't overwhelmed by having too many balls in my mouth. It was just the right amount of balls in my mouth. The food scientists at Post did a good job at Goldilocksing the Poppin' Balls in this cereal.

Concerns

I am a child of the 80s/90s. So I know a thing or two when it comes to Pop Rocks. My concern was in regards to the Pop Rocks being encased inside the wasabi peas. The best way to eat Pop Rocks is not to bite them, but to let them rest on your tongue with your mouth held open. This is an indisputable fact. But in this cereal, besides the Pop Rocks being encased in the green balls, the mouth is also tasked with chewing and swallowing the Fruity Pebbles.

Sometimes in life, you just have to let go. Not everything is in your control. You have to put your faith in something. Trust the world. Trust Post's food scientists. So I discarded my inhibitions--throwing caution to the wind--and ate it like a normal bowl of cereal.

Let me tell you, here is why food scientists earn their paychecks. The sweetened corn meal of the Poppin' Balls becomes a paste that compacts into your teeth, virtually embedding the Pop Rocks into what have no doubt already started to become cavities. Like little miners blasting tiny sticks of dynamite, the Poppin' Balls get to work blasting away at teeth. My mouth was filled with fireworks. I could taste it in the colors of the Pebbles. I could feel it exploding in my teeth. It was a full sensory experience. It was exciting. No cereal has ever done this.

Needless to say, my concerns had been assuaged. I poured a second bowl immediately.

Is Poppin' Pebbles the Best Cereal on the Market?

Conclusion