Saturday, October 10, 2015

Pre-Review of Burger King's Haunted Halloween Whopper

Do they still use horse meat patties?
The BK Lounge has a special haunted Halloween Whopper for sale for a limited time. It's like a regular Whopper, except that the bun is like that one TV show: Blackish. In this pre-review (preview?) I will basically whine about failing to get one. So it goes.

As soon as I heard about this haunted burger I immediately began to experience an internal struggle (much like the internal struggle, I assume, the black Whopper will invariably create within me). Experience vs. FOMO. Preference vs. marketing gimmick. Ultimately, my carefree willingness to try new things beat out my dislike of Burger King.

You see, to me Burger King is the Subway of burger based fast food. I'll eat it and it's fine, but in my memory it's gross and I never want to eat there. If I'm driving home with ten dollars in my pocket and a hunger to rival that of the poor people in Charles Dickens' books; if that is the case I have--historically speaking--never thought to myself "yeah I'll just roll through the BK Lounge and pick up a quick bite." Never. So it took a lot for me to break down and make a deliberate trip for the sole purpose of eating this special sandwich.

Oh, something else that grabbed my attention and tipped the scales in favor of this dark sandwich was that apparently it results in unnaturally green bowel movements. This isn't the time or place for details, but I have a very casual and totally chill mild interest in how food affects BMs, esp wrt color.

Thus was my internal battle resolved. And in this resolve I resolved that tonight would be the night to make my wildest Black Whopper dreams come true. There are two BKs near me. One is a few miles NE and one is a few miles SW of the collection of rooms where I keep my stuff and also sleep. The NWBK is closer, but dirtier and slightly more within the penumbra of an undesirable section of city. Which is how I came to the conclusion that SWBK would be my haunted burger meal enabler on this fine autumn's eve.

Drive there. Pull into drive-thru. See promo sign for Halloween Whopper. Heart beating faster. Power-button down window. Pull up to ordering position. Lady on intercom begins "HIWELCOMETOBURG..." and never gets to finish as I interrupt "nope" and lay some tracks outta there.

What? Why? Did you get cold feet? Did reason get the better of you? --are among the things you might be asking. Naw. I left because there were little stickers on the Black Whopper picture that indicated that the sandwich was [SOLD OUT]. And as I was there ONLY to eat black hamburgers, there was no use to sitting around to listen to the rest of that nice lady's greeting.

Now, though, as I'm driving back toward the-place-where-my-stuff-is I'm confronted with a new problem. Do I just go back and eat left-overs or do I drive even further and try the other BK? I don't give up easily, though, is something that I don't want to say because it's inaccurate. I give up fairly easily if something is not accomplished early on. And failing at 1 of 2 BKs is a pretty high fail rate. But also, it's dinner time and I'm already out and I think I'll just swing through the other BK and quick grab something to eat.

Get there. First thought: hmm this actually looks cleaner than it does from the main road. That's a good sign. Second thought: I don't see any advertising for haunted whoppers. That's a bad sign. Roll up to the ordering hole. Definitely no signs for black buns. Ask the dude on the intercom: "Do you have the Halloween Whopper?" They do not. My heart sinks. And now I'm faced with a decision. Do I order something or do I go home and eat left-overs? Because I'm definitely not going to whip out my phone and find out where the next BK might be located and drive there. That would be too much.

I had already interacted with this guy by asking a question. We have established a rapport. I go for it and order a standard Whopper combo with the blond buns. Damn it. I don't really even want this. I'm such a little bitch. And to make anxiety awkward, the guy is having a hard time hearing or understanding me. We do a back and forth routine to confirm everything is correct before he finally informs me that Whopper meals cost $6.09 and that I should meet him at the second window to complete the exchange.

There are two cars in front of me. It's taking a really long time. Not globally long, but fast food long. The reverse lights of the car in front of me illuminate. I think maybe she was in park and tried to switch to drive to pull forward and doesn't realize she's still in reverse and she better not hit me. But then she starts making exasperated hand signals but I still can't tell if she's upset everything is taking so long or having an animated telephone conversation. Better safe than sorry: I put my thang down flip it and reverse it too. Oh, she's leaving. Waiting is hard and I'm hangry!

As soon as she pulls away the first car's transaction had been completed anyways. It's my turn at the window and I can hear the guy from drive-thru complaining/explaining that the woman who pulled away was apparently a serial-order-and-drive-off-er. Then he tells me they have to make new fries and it's going to be a few minutes. More waiting. Life is basically waiting, isn't it? In different ways. Anyways, he comes back and offers me a FREE PIE as an apology for waiting. I say YES.

Waiting more. and more. and more. Food is ready. Good-guy-drive-thru-guy then tells me he also gave me large fries (instead of small) because of waiting. I guess good things do come to those who wait (if BK food is considered a good thing). Ready to go home and eat my sad meal.

But wait, one more thing. Traffic. I made a couple rights where I should have made lefts because of heavy evening traffic. Not really knowing where I was going but with my personal axiom that "all roads lead to roads" I figured I'd eventually get someplace. Well, it was not a good detour. By the time I got home after all of this driving and waiting and driving my whole Black Whopper adventure had cost me three quarters of an hour.

Now I am discouraged to try again and actually eat black whopper. I may. I may not. God has a plan for every creature on this earth and so if it is meant to happen it will.

Footnote: My standard Whopper was actually pretty decent. Way better than I remember them being. I haven't converted from generally disliking BK, but you know...besides not having what I wanted and having to wait a lot, BK did pretty OK tonight.

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