Saturday, February 04, 2017

Super Bowl LI Last Minute Preview

Chill out. "Last Minute" is a figure of speech. Did you really think I would wait until the literal last minute to publish a Super Bowl preview? That wouldn't give you enough time to read beforehand and you might miss an advertisement. I mean last minute like doing your summer homework assignment on the final day of summer break before schools starts. Speaking of last minutes, I will bet this sports contest of champions comes down to the last minutes. Get information about this and the full pre-game analysis in my annual "Non-sports-fanatic lambasting of American culture and consumption: A post-cynical view of society and its whims."

We have so much ground to cover. So much to say, as Dave Matthews Band would say. This is a very loaded Super Bowl. I doubt we'll even have time to cover actual athletics. I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to organize my thoughts, he typed unnecessarily into the article.

Make America Great Again

Okay, so this is obviously the gold encrusted elephant in the room. Let's tackle the big one first. This is the first Super Bowl game to be played under President Donald J. Trump. In fact, it could even be viewed as a game celebrating his supreme leadership. Because DJ Trump promised to make America great again (remember, like during The Great War) and what is more great and American than the two best American Football teams battling it out on the Grid Iron (not sure why nerds don't love football, Tron is on a grid too). Moreover, one of the teams playing is the New England PATRIOTS!

A PATRIOT, as we all know, is a congressional act that allows unwarranted government surveillance of civilian activity in order to find and stop terrorists. It really works! This was passed in October of 2001 and there hasn't been a terrorist attack since then! Think, when was the last time there was a 9/11? Not since 2001!

Hey, speaking of 2001 and Patriots and America and so on--do you know who won the Super Bowl after the 9/11 terrorist attacks? That's right! The New England Patriots! I would love to tell you that I made that accurate prediction in the very same year because it is true. (Have you seen my darkblacknetsite article about how the NFL is rigged?)

So from a sports preview perspective, these are very heavy points in favor of The Pats.

What's In A Name?

The second major thing I want to analyze is the name. This is a big deal to me. SUPER BOWL LI. You'll remember last year we went Arabic and left the Romans at home because Super Bowl L looks silly and isn't a nice big round number like 50. (now that I think about it and see 5-0 like slang for police I wonder what was happening in the socio-political realm at the time last year. probably all of the police body-cam stuff that needed the public to re-support and re-respect-mah-authoritah of the police). Because before that--in the good years of football--we had the American marketing wet dream Roman Numerals: The X's.

I'm not talking about the hit band The xx. I'm not even talking about super sexytime xxx (or even Vin Diesel's xXx for that matter)--although marketers love using sex to encourage positive user interaction with their product or service. I'm talking x like XTREEM 3-D Blazin Doritos. And X-TREME CODE RED SNOW BLAST MTN. DEW! OMG x's are so great! X marks the spot. We even got to XL which is how they want you to live when you're binging on processed food and sports entertainment.We will remember the X-Years fondly. (except for generation X. am disappoint. clean my mess tho plz (not sure what's happening here (delete last 20 seconds))).

But now--get this, you're going to love this--we're on Ls. And this might be one of the best Ls. Super Bowl LI. Don't you see it? L-I-(E). LIES! This is the Super Bowl of LIES! American won't be great again. It's all a big lie.

Or what about LI as in the Chinese name Li, because so much USA debt is owed to China and they make so many USA goods and DJ Trump will ban foreigners and USA will be Jobs bigly for much better Goodness you won't believe it trust me it's truly excellent my good friend Chinese Premier Li Keqiang!

So these, are uh, points for ATL I guess? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention but you probably know that the two teams playing are the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots.

Deflate Gate

Tom Brady (unofficial third member of Handsome Boy Modeling School) got into some trouble for not having full balls. They were limp and deflated, therefore easier to squeeze or something. (insert hilarious Giselle joke). And having squishy balls is against the official NFL rules and guidelines for successful play. (i don't know why nerds don't love football, they have a thick book of specific rules just like D&D). So as a punishment for "cheating" Tom had to miss a few games this season. And Roger Goodell, dark lord of football, unfriended Tom on facebook (but is still friends with other Tom on myspace). As Taylor Swift would put it: baby there's bad blood. But Goodell can't hide forever. Will he rig the game toward Atlanta, just so he doesn't have to interact with Tom Brady?

This is points for the Falcons.

Hey Speaking of Falcons

Fal-Con. Con, convict, criminals. Atlanta, ATL, ATLiens. Build a wall. Make America Great. Keep out the criminal illegal aliens. The Fall of the Convicts. I dunno, just some wordplay. I'm like Jason Mraz that way--we're both all about it (the wordplay). Also, he has an avocado orchard and I like to eat avocados. We're basically best friends.


Ah, the real reason anyone watches this final game of the year featuring teams that they largely don't care about. Well, I mean the real reason besides the excuse to binge drink on Sunday and eat enough to feed a small village. Commercials. We are a consumer society. But we are also dumb and don't know what to spend our hard earned money upon. That's why we need commercials to yell at us and seduce us until we submit.

It's a little different at the Super Bowl, though. Most commercials go for funny. And since a Super Bowl ad spot costs so much (around $5M for 30 seconds) they tend to be better scripted and produced. They're like short funny videos telling us to buy things. These also make it fun for the women and nerds who don't understand this great sport. It lets them participate, in a way. Further, it's also fresh content that can be reused later on for a two-hour special about funny Super Bowl commercials that also has regular commercial breaks. I swear we're not too far off from a channel that is non-stop commercials. People would watch!

What will we see? Obviously there will be beer commercials for American Lagers. Budweiser will make a sentimental/nostalgic ad, but also have a Bud Light funny/manly ad. We will get truck commercials telling us how hard working they/we are and are made to be inside each other. Doritos. There will also be that commercial for some small company that no one has heard of that blew their entire 10 year advertising budget on that spot as a last ditch gamble to be known. 

I know that many of the commercials have "leaked" online already. Which gets my blood boiling. People eagerly giving additional ad revenue to sites hosting these videos. Greedily devouring ads to see them and laugh before anyone else. To know. It's so messed up, really. Then people will continue to talk about these ads the next day at work like "ooh what was your favorite commercial?" and just how much of our lives are we giving over to these brands????? You'll march in DC, but when will you turn off your TV? (Put that on a shirt)


Maybe this should have gone in the middle of this article. Half Time is a big deal because you can finally go pee and not miss a commercial or sports action. It is also a great opportunity to see Janet Jackson's boob, or Katy Perry's sharks, Bruce Springsteen's crotch, or even powerful secret illuminati symbols from Beyonce. 

This year's half-time performer is Lady GaGa. She is usually known for huge dramatic theatrics and weirdo personal fashion decisions. But she might be different this year since she's trying to make the shift from strange pop-icon to "you guy's I'm a serious singer song writer now. take me seriously, for real. see? I'm normal." I heard that she's going to dress like she's going to church and then sit at the piano and play Amazing Grace and then Tony Bennett will pop out of a cloud of smoke and wink at the crowd and a stadium full of 72,000 people will collectively swoon as the nonagenarian crooner croons.

Remember that Batman movie where Bane blew up the Super Bowl?

Last Minute

Lastly, it's the last minute calls that this game will come down to. Since the NFL is rigged, this game will be close at the end and maybe even go into bonus overtime. More time = more excitement = more money. It's so obvious! So plain to see!

So, at the moment of this writing, a popular online sports betting website has the Patriots favored by 3 points with an over/under of 58.5 total points. The experts are expecting this to come down to a field goal. As far as I'm concerned, it's been a lousy year for field goal kickers in general. That's a lot of pressure.

Final Predictions

Overall, this should be one of the Greatest Super Bowls ever played in our Great Nation as a kickstart to Make America Great Again. My prediction is that the Patriots will win for America, despite all of the Lies behind American Patriotism in 2017. Lady Gaga will be great and rejuvenate enthusiasm in music sales as well as sexual identity rights. The best commercial, according to many websites the next day, will be a condom commercial. Tom Brady won't retire. God will be thanked. Bill Belichick won't smile and may kick a puppy. Someone will be severely injured and rekindle the discussion on rules/concussions/safety. Some celebrities will be spotted in the audience, including former president Bush. You will feel sick from eating too many chicken wings. Monday at work will suck.

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