POUND EXCLAIM # !

As seen in advertising

Here in America we love our fast food. And when you're sitting at home cleaning your gun, drinking a "lite" (Belgian owned) American macro brew after a long hard day of manual labor that pays barely livable wages, and watching America's Got Talent on your 70-inch made in China flat screen that you got on lay-away from Wal-Mart...hold on, that sentence got away from me. Let's try again.

I saw a commercial for a new sandwich at Wendy's and I knew in my heart that it was my civic duty to assimilate one into my body.

The Wendy's Jalapeño Fresco Spicy Chicken Sandwich

We're kicking up the heat with 5 layers of spice on our new Jalapeño Fresco Spicy Chicken sandwich. It's our classic spicy chicken breast topped with fresh, diced jalapeños, ghost pepper sauce, Colby pepper jack cheese all on a red jalapeno bun. It's too hot to last, so try one today!

That's directly from Wendy's website. And, well, that's what's on the sandwich. It's their normal spicy chicken patty dressed up with a spicy bun and spicy cheese and spicy jalapenos and GHOST PEPPER SAUCE!!!

There's no way they're using real ghost peppers. If they are, it must be in such a diluted ratio to be practically insignificant. Search youtube for "ghost pepper challenge" or something along those lines. You will see the pain these peppers bring. Can you imagine the lawsuits?


As you can clearly see, my sandwich looks pretty much exactly like the sandwich in the promotional image. Delicious. The color palette is reminiscent of public school lunches where everything is a variation on yellowish brown.


I used the color picker in Photoshop photo-editing-software to isolate the colors of the chicken sandwich. It's making you hungry--I know--I can hear your stomach gurgling from way over here. This sandwich is very 70's chic. It is a well known fact that Dave Thomas was a huge fan of old Winnebago Recreational Vehicles. Let's see what's under the hood of this bad boy.


Hey! There's some color! You can see that they used real diced jalapeños and real sliced red onion. You also get a better look at the ghost sauce (woooOOOoooo!) and the colby pepper jack cheese.

Now before I start describing what it's like to eat this sandwich, I want to take a moment to look at the name. "Jalapeño Fresco." Whenever Wendy's comes out with a new limited-time-only special edition specialty sandwich, it seems like they tag it "fresco." It makes it sound foreign and fancy, right? But there isn't much that is "fresh" or "cool" about this sandwich. And it certainly isn't a painting done on wet plaster. Are spicy chicken sandwiches a staple of Spain/Italy/wherever cuisine? Doubtful. I dunno, it seems not only disingenuous, but also just wholly inaccurate. And I like my fast food sandwiches to be, uh, genuous and accurate. [note to self: get job in Wendy's marketing dept.]

Sandwich Eating Breakdown

Bun: It's a special red jalapeño bun. At this point, I am fully over typing the word jalapeno and then right clicking to correct it to jalapeño. It tastes like regular bread, except it is browner and drier making it heavy and gross. I predict that this sandwich will be short-lived if based on nothing else but the bun. Because what really differentiates this from their regular spicy chicken sandwich? You can add a glop of jalapeño cheese goop to any other sandwich and it will be better because it doesn't have this thick and heavy dry terrible bun that is specially manufactured for one specific sandwich. Pretzel buns were a win. This is an epic fail whale.

Meat: As mentioned before, the chicken patty is just a regular spicy chicken patty. I am a pretty big fan of spicy chicken sandwiches and this spicy chicken patty is a solid entry into that category. It's not really hot, spice-wise. It's more of a tongue tingle than a belly warmer. Pairs well with Hi-C Fruit Punch.

Colby Pepper Jack Cheese: They use a slice of real cheese. You can tell by the way it gets translucent as it melts. It is supposed to be pepper jack, but to me it tasted mild as though it were regular colby jack cheese. Nothing wrong with that. But no additional spice comes from this cheese slice. (rhymes!)

Jalapeño Peppers and Red Onion: These are the only veggies on the sandwich so I'll put them both in this category. Although, it's hard to tell if the jalapeños are their own topping or are part of the ghost sauce goop. The peppers tasted fresh and crunchy, so that's good. They weren't from a can or jar (though, frozen maybe). Maybe that's what "jalapeño fresco" means. The peppers weren't too spicy at all. Very mild for jalapeños. But they did bring a nice pepper flavor.

Red onion is red onion. I got two rings. It was fine. They were fairly firm and crispy and onion flavored.

Ghost Pepper Sauce: The moment of truth! Le piece de resistance! La force majeure! Before I look up the actual ingredients to the ghost pepper sauce, I'm going to guess what's in the ghost pepper sauce. I'd say it's stadium style nacho cheese with assorted dry spices like red pepper and chili powder mixed in.

Okay I looked it up. I was close! If you look carefully at the picture you can tell that the stadium cheese and ghost pepper sauce are two different things. The stadium cheese has a slightly more orange color. It was hard to tell since they blend so well into each other. The ghost sauce is a sour cream and mayonnaise combination with assorted dry spices. Essentially. Shoulda known it was a mayo-based sauce. stupidstupidstupid!

So is it hot?
No, not really. It's not not hot. The sandwich might redden your cheeks a touch, or perhaps bring a tiny bead of sweat to your brow. You might need to blow your nose afterward. The level of hotness, though, is probably milder than your typical buffalo wing sauce. These flamin' ghost pepper claims are highly exaggerated.

When compared to the standard Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich, I would 9 times out of ten recommend the standard Spicy. The bun is better and the cool crispy tomato and lettuce are a nice counterbalance to the gentle spice of the fried chicken patty.

Is the jalapeño fresco worth trying? I guess. If you like to try new things, or want a sandwich that is slightly hotter. Again, though, I don't foresee this being a long-lived addition to the menu.

A small combo meal will set you back $6.79 here in the Middle-West.

You're doing it wrong

Way back in the year of our Lord, 1993 (just 4 years after God gave us Taylor Swift), He (God) must have been feeling generous and bestowed upon us another Capital-G-Gift. Chipotle (NYSE: CMG). The fast-casual burrito joint out of Denver which has revolutionized the food industry.

How many new restaurants have you been to in the past few years described themselves as a "Chipotle, but for [insert theme]?" (Except for Hot Head Burritos, which is self-described as "Subway, except for burritos." I'll have to write a separate article about how much Hot Head Burritos is terrible and should go away.)

I have so much to say about Chipotle. But, for the sake of brevity, I will focus only on their new "Sofritas" option. Historically, you have always been able to order veggy/vegan at Chipotle--just don't put meat on your burrito/bowl/salad. In recent years (2014), Chipotle decided that their herbivores needed another option. Enter Sofritas.

Sofritas is a portmanteau derived from the Spanish words "so" meaning "protein gelatin" and "fritas," a traditional word for disguising flavors with spices. Chipotle uses this neologism to describe their TOFU based protein. I'm not sure what the TOFU acronym stands for, but it doesn't take much imagination to guess at something that ends in FU.

While I'm generally curious to try new things, there is nothing about this protein option that appealed to me enough to select it over any of Chipotle's other offerings. It is literally my last choice at the restaurant. It would be difficult to rank the meats, but they are--as a group--first place option. Second place is the regular vegetarian burrito because instead of meat you get FREE GUACAMOLE! You don't get free guac with sofritas. And sofritas doesn't taste as good as meat (more on this later). So, last place sofritas.

However, a combination of marketing and curiosity got me to order a sofritas burrito. (Somewhere, people are high-fiving each other because of that sentence). You see, this past Monday there was a special offer wherein the purchase of a sofritas entree would automatically qualify you for a free entree of your choice. Just bring back your receipt showing that you were tricked into TOFU (within a month's time), and a free burrito (with meat, obvs) is yours!

I know what you're thinking: two Chipotle burritos in one month? It's pushing the limits, I know, but sometimes in life you have to live on the edge. L-O-T-E! Hmm, not quite as good as YOLO.

Anyways, I did it. And here's how it went.

As a precursor to all of this, it is this author's obligation to let the reader know that Monday was a "Snow Day." Consequently, I put on clothes and left the house for the sole purpose of getting this burrito. To make myself feel more accomplished in this journey, I also returned a library book. This also meant that I had to clear the snow off of my car for this trip. Well, it had to happen sometime.

At this point though, the economy of a free burrito has already been negated. I could have just bought a burrito that I wanted at a later date when I was already out doing things. Ah, the curiosity/sofritas killed the cat.

There are two Chipotle restaurants proximal to my dwelling. One is better (though frequented by hordes of self-entitled high-schoolers), and one is worse (slow, problem-patrons, out of ingredients, etc) but is nearer the library. So obviously I go to the location that I know to be a worse experience because I am productive and this is an errand, not just a trip for a free burrito.

As I pull into the parking lot I can already see a printer-paper sign taped to the doors telling me as-of-yet unknown bad news. They better not be out of sofritas, dammit! The good news is that the 48-pt Calibri gives no indication of lack of tofu. The bad news, no fajita ingredients (roasted peppers and onions) and no iced tea. That's a bummer. You know what goes well on a vegetarian burrito? Vegetables! I'll have to call an audible.

More good news is that I beat the dinner rush. There are only four or five people in front of me. By the time I leave the line is stacked to the door in typical Chipotle fashion. Despite only being a few people, though, it is taking literally forever. Okay, not really. But I bet Chipotle Corporate has well-studied figures on ideal customer flow, and this location was not meeting those criteria.

The one thing I gained from time in the line is an assurance that the BOGO sofritas deal is legit. There was no signage visible from my position, but the redneck dude 3 people in front of me asked several times to quadruple make sure that he would, in fact, get a free burrito later for his tofu sacrifice. BOGO is a go.

I know you want to know exactly what I ordered and then compare it to what you might have ordered, silently judging my taste. Well, tell the judgment region of your brain that this is an atypical order so chill out. Burrito, brown rice, pinto beans, sofritas, tomatoes, corn, sour cream, cheese, lettuce. Okay? Okay?! I'm a strict non-vegan so I had to put sour cream and cheese on it since there wasn't any meat. (There's probably also lard in the tortilla shell. Definitely gluten. I hope I survive!)

Although I've seen the sofritas in person before I forgot what they looked like. In my mind I pictured something similar to their chicken. It's diced way smaller. In fact, the sofritas is closer to a salsa in both appearance and taste. It's easy to lose inside your mouth amidst the other ingredients. It's definitely there, though.

The sofritas is not a bad taste. It is not a good taste. It is just a taste that is there. The texture is not really a problem. It is similar to the beans. The flavor is a mild Mexicany-spicy flavor. If you've had frozen burritos or tacos it is not an unfamiliar mouth experience--probably with less filler and preservatives, though.

I can say definitively that barring another free-burrito-promotion or unexpected-doctor-mandated diet change, I will not order sofritas again. It is the least-good option of all of the options at Chipotle. For me. Veggy/vegans probably appreciate the effort. And I like that Chipotle is willing to experiment and add things to the menu. But, come on--meat, you guys.

Weird Al Yankovic has a new album. It is called Mandatory Fun and is available to purchase on iTunes as you are reading this very sentence. To promote the album (and as a (mandatory) fun thing to do), Weird Al has released one music video every day for the last eight days for a total of eight music videos based on songs from the new album.

So have you been watching the videos? What do you think? If you missed them, they are still up on weirdal.com. I recommend that you go check them out. Why not? Do you hate fun? Too bad! The fun is mandatory!

If you want to hear the remaining four songs on the album, you'll have to buy them on Amazon. You didn't really think you were getting free milk did you?

With football season approaching--and living in this city that loves the local college team football--I anticipate hearing a lot more of "Sports Song" in the near future. And I'll bet you that high school bands all over the nation are working on arrangements right now.

The English indie rock band alt-J ∆ has announced plans to release a follow up album to their hugely successful debut, An Awesome Wave (2012). With hit tracks like Tessellate and Breezeblocks, they quickly drew positive attention from music critics and fans alike. The band won the 2012 British Barclaycard Mercury Prize.

Sophomore albums are notoriously the most difficult albums to produce for bands, especially when their first album is met with so much acclaim. Bands have essentially as much time as they need to write, record, and perfect their first album before releasing it to the public. But there is a smaller time window for creating the second album, and it must be done amidst touring and promotion of the first album. It can often result in a make-or-break scenario for bands--cementing them as a true talent, or brushing them aside as another flash in the pan musical anomaly.

To add to that pressure, the band lost their bassist Gwil Sainsbury earlier this year (on friendly terms, he decided to leave). 

Hey, let's get to the music. The new album will be called This Is All Yours. They have leaked their first single off the album, "Hunger of the Pine" and you can check it out here:



Did you like that? It is a promising glimpse at what the rest of the album should be, hopefully. Mellow and expansive, the deep synths stretch your ears, while the sampled voice gives it the pop appeal to make it a hit. If you couldn't tell, that's Miley Cyrus claiming to be a teenage rebel. I hope that doesn't ruin it for you.

This author is really looking forward to buying the new album on iTunes this fall.

Here I am, about to empty my email spam folder and I'm reading all of the titles and sender names. I think to myself, "who writes these? who are these people?" I don't mean like "who are the ass-hats that spend all day sending me junk." I want to know who pics spam email topics and how or why.

Let me go down the list of my spam folder front page. Topics include:
Credit Score
Cable Tv
Free phone (AT&T)
Medicare
Payday Advance
Dating Site
There's a hilarious one from "Ameritrade" so, stocks
Younger Skin
Lasik surgery
Oil change
(my spam mail is suspiciously void of promises about my dingaling)

While I'm really flattered (or offended?) that Cindy Crawford personally wants me to have younger looking skin, I'm still left to wonder why these are spam topics. To me, the ones with a higher probability of a click-through are the ones that scan my address book for familiar names then have an email that looks like a youtube link that just says "Hey, check this out." I am not going to click on an unsolicited email link for an oil change coupon.

Who does? Old people? Their the primary target of online scams because they're easier to scam less tech savvy, so it makes sense.

But I wonder, do spammers to demographic research and have target audiences just as much as a regular marketing team? Why wouldn't they? They are a business and have a product to sell. Is it all done by bots? Or like, one dude in his basement? Are they hiring? I bet I could author some pretty great spam mails.

I'll bet there is a book or article someplace that could describe to me how the internet works.

There's a new show coming to HBO called Silicon Valley. It is created by Mike Judge. You may remember Mike from such popular comedy greats as Beavis & Butthead, King of the Hill, Office Space, or Idiocracy.

If you are interested, the first episode is available for free in its entirety on youtube.

I was pretty excited for this show. I watched it. And.......................it......was...................okay. I guess.

The show could go any direction at this point. I will have to see the entire season (or at least a couple more episodes) before offering complete judgment. But the first episode left me feeling pretty underwhelmed. The main reason for this? Betas.

Betas is one of Amazon Prime Instant Videos' original series that premiered last year/earlier this year. And it's more or less the exact same thing. I liked it! But watching SV on the heels of Bs seems pretty redundant.

Both feature a small group of nerds trying to break in big on the app scene. You've got the awkward skinny white dude, the token indian, the "omg totally random" stoner dude, etc. There is a glimmer of hope in SV when one of the characters makes note of how every group on campus has 5 people, each fitting a specific stereotype. Hopefully it's self awareness and the writing on the show can overcome the obvious cliché's of making a show like this.

You'll see some familiar faces in the cast, which can be considered promising. You've probably seen Kumail Nanjiani in Portlandia. You will recognize TJ Miller, but won't exactly remember what you've seen him in. And Martin Starr who you probably won't recognize but was in the show Party Down. Seriously, do yourself a favor and watch Party Down. You've also got that one manager from The Office and that one guy that is like a nerdier Hugh Grant.

So anyways, there are some solid players and this could be good. But it's not yet. Check out the pilot on youtube and let us know what you think. HBO shows are usually gold and Mike Judge has created some family favorites in the past. Here's hoping that this one can live up to the legacies.

Up all night to get lucky.

Sort of Beer Review

Wait, does that mean that this is sort of a review; or that it is sort of beer? Yes.

Here's what happened

I'm at the grocery store walking around thinking about what to eat for dinner (hint: frozen pizza) and those devils put the beer and pizza aisles in very close proximity--one might even say adjacent, damn them. And I've got one of those hand baskets and it won't hold a box of pizza unless the basket is empty and the box is at an angle and you still have to kind of crunch the corners in to get the handles up. But that's neither here nor there (that expression makes no sense, because it's obviously here).

One of the end caps is showcasing this new beer called Miller Fortune. I have to get it. Flat out. Coming out this time of year and being this type of product, I am somewhat baffled as to why it did not have a Super Bowl commercial like Bud Light Platinum did [x] years ago.

Funny you should mention Bud Light Platinum (BLPl). This appears to be Miller's answer to BLPl.

Fortune, BLPl, and the Premium Cheap Beer Trend

Craft beer is in right now. Stores have greater than ever selections of fine beers and microbrews from all over, including your city! (Or close by, probably). And the selection keeps growing. And micro breweries and brew pubs are popping up everywhere too. This is great for beer drinkers. This is not great for mega-beer-corporations.

It is up to InBev and MillerCoors to come up with creative ways to poach this market without alienating their core market of hardworking light-lager-drinking Americans. $10 will get you a pretty good sixer of craft beer, or 30 cans of swill. In this economy (thanks, Obama), who can deny the, uh, economy of, um, economy beer drinking.

So we've been seeing the result of this in the form of slightly heavier, slightly more alcoholic, slightly more expensive options from Miller, Budweiser, and Coors. (Sidenote: look on wikipedia, there are basically only two beer companies).

There is Coors Third Shift -- the beer makers are so passionate (and hardworking Americans) about making your beer that after they clock out, they stay on the clock to try their own recipes. First, this is theft. Second, it's acknowledging that Coors is dissatisfying.

Then Budweiser had their contest where you could buy a variety case of beer that were new recipes "created by" their (hardworking American) brew masters, also after clocking out. Apparently Bud workers are just as dissatisfied with the product they make.

Budweiser also has BLPl, obviously. The goal of this was less "craft beer" and more "babe, I'mma get u drunk."

And now we get to,

JUN3014. I have 1000 years to drink this

Miller Fortune

Like BLPl, Fortune's goal is to get u drunk, grrrl. With an ABV of 6.9%, this beer is strong enough to help you forget about how hard you worked today, fellow American. Although, at $7.49 for six bottles, it is hardly a value. A dollar or two more can get you [spoiler alert] a waaay better beer. And a few dollars less can get you a similar tasting beer and will also fill more red cups.

Let's Look At It

The bottle is very dark. It is a thick/heavier glass than, say MGD or other entry level beer. Rappers say "murdered out" when talking about black on black on black. Miller Fortune is that. And the bottle has a sexy shape with nice angles that slope inward toward the base. You won't find any vortex technology, but there are a set of pleasure ridges both at the bottom and the top. The Miller Fortune logo is a spade (like in playing cards) with the letter M in the middle.

What does Fortune mean?

Using the logo as a clue, this beer is probably supposed to be lucky and bring you good fortune at the casino. If it was fortune like an amassed amount of money it would probably have a different pictogram. If it was fortune like "i sure am fortunate to have a loving family" it would also probably have a different pictogram. But gambling is cool and poor people love to do it (rich people too!). And a poor person who thinks he/she is baller would definitely spend the extra money on this beer before going to watch the ponies play blackjack.

This beer allows the drinker to experience something familiar from a familiar company while also seeming cooler and spending more money. Oh, and also getting more drunk. It's a win win win.

After all of this winning, you can celebrate your Fortune with a Miller High Life, the champagne of beer!

I can't get it open

It's not a twist off. You have to pry off the cap. That's how you know it's Premium. The same M-Spade logo is printed on top and also underneath the cap. Premium.

Drinking It

This is not a beer that necessitates a cup. But since we're feeling fancy...

Appearance: it pours with a clear red caramel color. Very little head. Pretty bubbly. The packaging describes it as a "spirited golden lager." It's more orange than gold.

Smell: It smells malty and beery. Have you ever been to a college party? The way the room smells the next day after everyone has gone home is the way this beer smells.

Taste: It tastes like beer. You don't get a punch from the extra alcohol, so it's very sessionable. But it tastes a little more on the malt liquor side. Mix a MGD with a King Cobra and you get the idea.

Mouthfeel: It starts crisp because of the coldness and bubbles, but finishes kind of sticky and vapory. Go downtown and start a conversation with a bum and get in really close and take a deep inhale. It's like that inside your mouth. (Miller Fortune: Like huffing bum vapors! (I should sell 5 Gum!))

Conclusion

I knew before buying this that it I probably wouldn't tick the [ ]Would Buy Again box on the survey. I also knew it wasn't worth the price premium. It took a great personal psychological sacrifice to allow myself to buy this. (But it was new and I had to try it!) The only reasons I could see buying this again are if it drops in price or if I am going to do a head-to-head review with another beer.

This is a renaissance era for beer and there are just so many more way better options to try than to waste time, money, effort, and taste on bad beer. Honestly, I can't really think of any specific type of person or demographic that would buy this beer regularly. Maybe it becomes a gimmick for a subset of people. I could also see it doing well in bars if it cost the same as the other domestic drafts. Otherwise, I don't expect to see this beer still on shelves by the time George P. Bush is president.

Buy local, you guys. Support your breweries.