It's been eight (8) long years since the last Robert Langdon adventure (Origin). Six years of which, us true Brown-heads (this doesn't seem right, can someone verify this is what fans of Dan Brown call themselves), have regularly performed web searches for variations of "new dan brown book" in vain hopes of at least a scant rumor. At last our prayers are answered. Renowned Symbologist Robert Langdon is back in the hit new Dan Brown book, THE SECRET OF SECЯETS! 

Is it okay with you if I don't type the backwards Я for the rest of the Яeview?

This review will be as spoiler free as possible. Part of the fun of these books are the reveals, unraveling mysteries, and twists that the reader uncovers. So I will paint with very broad strokes in discussing the plot. In fact, this might end up being more of a ramblings than a review anyways.

Wednesday morning we received an anonymous package delivered to Pound Exclaim Headquarters. It arrived in a plain yellow A4 envelope with no address or any writing at all. The sole contents: a generic 32GB USB thumb drive. Our IT team warned us that this was probably a phishing attempt and that we should not plug it into any of our office computers. Smart. So I went to the library and plugged it into one of the city owned computers meant for the whole community to share. Much safer for that to get hacked or infected. There was a single file on the drive: "untitled.pdf." Obviously, this would be safe to open as you cannot put a "virus" into a digital "document" so I double-clicked to see what was contained within.

Words. Words upon words for nearly 8 whole pages. But I only had to read the first line to know what I had in front of me. My limbs tingled. Could it be true? I devoured the text ravenously and immediately went right back to the beginning to read again. Yes. This anonymously delivered anonymous file appeared to contain an excerpt from an unpublished or unreleased Dan Brown story featuring protagonist Robert Langdon. 

As a huge The DaVinci Code fan, I've read every single Dan Brown book and I had never before read the words on the screen on that library computer. Someone must have hacked his laptop to steal this story excerpt. But why? Or maybe it is from a viral marketing campaign for his new forthcoming book The Secret of Secrets available September 9. Either way, I was thrilled to have this in my possession and honestly a little bit scared too. What if they knew I had this and they came for me? 

In an act of extreme bravery and selflessness, I have decided to publish the contents of this document in full here on Pound Exclaim. You, the public, need to see this. It is journalistic integrity. As such, I make no claims regarding the contents of the file, their origin, or connection to any persons including author Dan Brown. I'm just a humble truth teller.

Hit the jump to read the full text of untitled.pdf -->

The blue to red gradient (while not quite bi-sexual lighting) reminds you that this is sandwich for everyone, no matter your favorite sports team or political views. Or maybe it's supposed to be evocative of the French Flag, honoring their influence in Creole cuisine.

These days we get so wrapped up in our favorite digital advertisements on our phones, computers, tablets, televisions, and kitchen appliances, that sometimes we forget to go outside and receive advertising the old fashioned way. I know the kids don't believe in legacy media, but sometimes it just feels good to remind yourself that "We live in a society world!" and go outside to touch grass view print advertising!

Recently, while doing my second favorite activity--driving car / creating traffic--I was blessed with a vision sent from above. Approximately 20 feet above. When I espied the glorious 672 square feet of prime location billboard proclaiming: "NEW CAJUN CRUNCH" at Wendy's. I almost puked from excitement.

Celebrating 50 Years of Miller Beer With Limited Edition Gimmick Products

It's Memorial Day weekend and after we've thanked and remembered our troops, what better way to spend the extra day off work than sitting down to enjoy some limited edition anniversary special releases from one of the top beer conglomerates?

This is going to be quick because I have to get back to standing around with the fellas saying "uhyup" King Of The Hill style. I just wanted to drop a quick review after spotting these irresistible items in the grocery store.

We are quickly approaching the date 4/20 (blaze it) so I thought it would be the perfect time to review Doritos Blaze. It's a flavor of corn chip created by the Frito Lay Corporation. You're perhaps familiar with the standard Doritos flavors: "Nacho Cheese" (the default/original flavor) and "Cool Ranch" (also known as "Cool American" in non-American countries). Blaze is relatively new and somewhat scarce in many chips aisles--two reasons why I had to try it.

The truth is, though, I've been working on the same bag of Doritos Blaze corn chips since the US American Football Super Bowl Tournament. At this point that's about two months of Blaze. And it hasn't taken me so long to eat these chips because I'm a bit of a health nut. Because I've totally crushed entire bags of other styles and flavors of chips and snacks in the interim. I've been savoring these DBlazes for so long because (review preview: I don't like them).

I don't want to finish the bag even though it's primarily crumbs at this point. And I don't want to waste food. Can I mail a mostly eaten bag of chips to starving children someplace? Will local ducks eat DBlaze?

We are mere hours away from Super Bowl LII (52?) where the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles will battle it out on the gridiron for the Championship Title: "NFL Champions." Who will win? What are you eating? Where will you watch it? What are you wearing?

At the time of this writing it has been a fortnight and four since the drop of Taylor Swift's hot new record Reputation. And since its midnight release I have been listening to the album on repeat non-stop except for breaks to listen to The Writer's Almanac. Even in my sleep my eardrums thrum to the thuds of the deep throbbing bass, wondering what I made her do. I'm ready for discourse. (Note to self: in that last sentence I see potential for some type of disc golf course related play on words. Circle back to this in the future)

Gather 'round children. It's time for the classic tale of the short-lived sandwich from Wendy's. They called it the Bacon Queso Burger and it was available on either beef (hamburger) or fried chicken patty (chicken sandwich). It was the year of our Lord, 2017, and it was a crazy times. Emperor Trump had just come to power, Taylor Swift couldn't come to the phone because she was dead, and OJ Simpson was released from prison.

Haha! Yes! I also watch television programs!

We're well into the new year (new you!)--so much so, as a matter of fact, that we can basically already consider this year [2017] OVER! More or less. Less is MORE! But for the time being we're just going to hit some bullet points from the week ahead so we can talk about the things that we're going to be talking about around the water cooler at work in order to seem personable despite all of our inner fears of making a real human connection.

Daylight Savings Time
It's so close, that by the time you read this it will probably have already passed. And you will have passed...one hour into the future. We're living on borrowed time, folks. Why do we still do this? Is it for the cows? Is it so we can pretend to be Time Lords and feel like we have some sort of tenuous grasp on the ethereal strands of our own withering destinies?

The 2nd Monday The 13th In A (Monthly) Row
Garfields of the world know about these kinds of days. They're almost as bad or possibly worse than being murdered by a guy with a big knife and a hockey mask on an unlucky Friday, because you have to go back to work and wallow in the sameness of your meaningless routine. This Monday the 13th is extra special because it happens after a full moon. I'll start heating up the lasagna now.

MARCH MADNESS!
If you ask an average American "why do you live?" a great majority of answers will be "to watch sporting events, of course!" And what other pinnacle of athletic competition garners more attention than the NCAA men's basketball tournament? And it's great for advertisers because it's an entire half a month, not just a 3-5 hour Super Bowl event. These highly unpaid "student" athletes make millions of dollars for many people all for a shot at The Big Game. Sure, many will go on to be talented professional athletes, but what about the scrappy point guards of the world who graduate with a degree in Health Teacher or Gym Teacher and have learned no other professional skills? I guess you do a couple John Deere commercials or something and then go play for an international team.

Get your office bracket filled out and prepare to lose to the guy/gal that picks teams based on mascots.

Beware The Ides Of March!
The fifteenth of the month is when "Orange" Julius Caesar was famously murdered by his best friend Brutus. At least that is what I remember based on reading Shakespeare in high school English class. "Shakespeare is cool because of fart jokes, ya dig?" said the cool high school teacher, deeply in touch with what the kids find cool. "What scene is this?" the cool teacher continued while showing the class a series of emoticons.

St. Patricks Day
Yup, everyone is a little bit Irish if it means you can get out-of-control-drunk. This is especially true since it's on a Friday and you don't have to show up at work the next day green-tongued and barely functional. It's also a little bit like Halloween for some reason, where people dress up in weird costumes and girls act extra, uh, promiscuous. Is this a racist/xenophobic/insensitive tradition here in USA?

That's all  I can think of as far as big days this coming week. I guess there's always the weather too. Weather is crazy, right? Haha.

Chill out. "Last Minute" is a figure of speech. Did you really think I would wait until the literal last minute to publish a Super Bowl preview? That wouldn't give you enough time to read beforehand and you might miss an advertisement. I mean last minute like doing your summer homework assignment on the final day of summer break before schools starts. Speaking of last minutes, I will bet this sports contest of champions comes down to the last minutes. Get information about this and the full pre-game analysis in my annual "Non-sports-fanatic lambasting of American culture and consumption: A post-cynical view of society and its whims."

It's Facebook Official: Autumn has occurred. And continues to occur. The equinox has passed and we mark this segment of our orbit around the sun as our fall season. There is so much to cover. At least one fourth of our yearly traditions take place (occur) this season.

"Whatever, just give me the bullet points, filthy blogger," said the rude website reader. "It's new TV episodes season and I have much much viewing to do. Like, I know it's mindless garbage structured around advertisements, but it just helps me relax at the end of the day. And as a HardWorkingAmerican, I just want to come home from my job (vital to the economy) and relax with an ice cold Bud Light Lime, some Cheeto's dust coated Burger King Chicken Fries, and kick back to some good old fashioned network television programming."

I understand your plight. Who knows what trending hashtags you might miss out on if you don't catch every second of Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X? Well, pop in a blank VHS and press record, because it's time to read about:

Pumpkin Spice

Love it, Hate it. The over-saturated flavor Pumpkin Spice has reached a tipping point. The p-spice stock has been on the quick rise over recent years and it's either going to enter the eternal pantheon of autumn indulgences, or it will be dethroned and forgotten like so many flavor trends. I feel we are at a critical juncture for p-spice and it will be immortalized or immolated very soon-like. More than likely, it's here to stay. If that is true then I'm going to need companies to CTFO about blasting it in my face.

Are there other flavors that could fill in for p-spice? Caramel apple, maybe. Apple pie. Who am I kidding. PS4L.

Oktoberfest

It has come and gone and it left me feeling underwhelmed. That's what she said. This is supposed to be the big "welcome to fall" festival to celebrate the German traditions of drinking beer and listening to polka and eating German food. Except my local O-Fest was charging way too much for a liter of beer and a bratwurst. The wenches were in short supply, but the trendy Americans in Alpine hats were aplenty. Is this kind of cultural appropriation inappropriate? Imagine Germans celebrating American Independence Day by serving $8 hot dogs and $16 tall-boy Bud Lights while wearing American flag clothing and listening to either Kid Rock or, like, John Philip Sousa. Seems weird.

Football

Sports. It's always fun to catch a few football games until your favorite local team loses more games than they've won and you give up hope on the Bengals again and say well maybe next year is our year. More importantly, are your favorite players sitting or standing during the national anthem? What is their message? "I am protesting this great nation, but will continue to fulfill my sports contract in order to make millions of dollars." Honestly, I don't really understand the reasons for this. Is it a display of general dissatisfaction with something about this country or its leadership? Or is it specifically a Black Lives Matter themed protest? Or is it just like you know people like being part of something--a movement--even if they don't fully understand the reasons or results they hope to achieve.

I think it's more that last one. People live their lives and as they get older they're like "this is it? this can't be it" and look for things to make it feel like they might make a difference or are doing something brave or important but it's all really as inconsequential as posting a status on a social media webpage for their friends to see and maybe talk about but still in the end it's a topsy turvy world where we're all striving our hardest to make sense out of anything as this rock we call earth hurtles endlessly through the vaccuum of space.

Politics/Elections

Can we please just stop? Neither major party candidate is my friend, yet they keep showing up in my Twitter/Insta feeds. Shouldn't elections be like choosing between a chicken sandwich or a hamburger? You'd be fine with eating either one but maybe you want one more than the other based on the policies of the hamburger? Instead it's always a strong dislike of both candidates, but one is maybe slightly less terrible than the other. South Park nailed it by describing elections as the choice between a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.

I've taken some online surveys and they're like "if the elections were today who would you vote for" and I answer "undecided" and the next question is all "yeah, but if you had to chose one today who would it be?" and I'm like damn, neither of these two. I'm voting for Jackie Chan. And that's politics. You have to chose today! It has to be one of these!!! What happened to my voice? This surely isn't democracy. I don't feel represented.

I may do a separate post on voting and these elections on darkblacknetsite.

Halloween

What will the too-soon/in-poor-taste Halloween costume be this year? There's always something that someone daring tries to pull off and it makes everyone go:

Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground

Flannel/Sweaters

Thanksgiving

Black Friday

I've got another confession to make and it's not a Foo Fighters song. (Foo Fighters cover band Goo Gighters?). The cold hard truth is that I've been figuratively sitting on this review for literally months. Deletes, re-writes, procrastination, fear. In fact, by the time this is published this soda might have already failed in the free market economy and been scrapped by PepsiCo for something more tuned-in to today's soda drinkers.

The trouble has been that I want to write a comprehensive review, but soda pops come with so much baggage. I would have to start at the beginning of soda in America to really convey my great and well-reasoned points. I would have to cover the entire history of beverage marketing for this article to really make sense. And this includes The Cola Wars--no small topic in itself. And then I would have to examine current trends in culture and lifestyle choices. You guys, I have a 200-level college course about cola trapped in my head. Sure there are a lot of familiar faces/students taking my class just because they loved me so much in my "Gossip Girl & Modern Ethics" course last semester. But can you begin to see how daunting a simple cola review becomes?

So I will write this abbreviated review with the understanding that you have a firm foundation in the cola market and are familiar, in general, with pop culture (get it?!). (In case you're wondering, I read Freakonomics, so yes I am as knowledgeable as an actual economist)

Well, anyways. Let me dig out my tasting notes from May 20, 2016 and get back into this review. I could just buy new cans and re-taste for today's review, but (spoiler alert) nope, no thanks.

Attractive three-quarters view of the box of crackers

Introduction

For many of us crackers are an important part of daily life. From breakfast to all-day snacking to hosting outrageous and/or classy parties/sorties, crackers are there for us. Remember when you were a kid and you were sick? Your mom gave you crackers. Remember when you wanted to eat a brick of cheese but felt socially embarrassed to just go for it? Crackers.

Crackers aren't usually expensive--maybe a few dollars for a box--but there are so many varieties that you'll never try them all. Even such a small investment can be a huge risk when it comes to crackers. What if you don't like the flavor? There is so much that can go wrong. The possibilities for failure, like varieties of crackers, seem literally endless.

That's why I'm here. To taste your crackers for you and then give you an indication as to whether or not it's worth buying and eating that variety of cracker. But the decision to do so is still up to you! That's the beauty of free will. Or is free will an illusion? I'll have to ask my psychic what she thinks.

There's one thing that I don't have to ask my psychic about, though, and that's a question of how thorough this review will be. The answer is: quite so. A secondary effect feature of a rambling incoherent thoughtful and thorough review is length. Thank Al Gore (inventor of the Internet) for jump breaks. Click on, brave reader, to the full review!

For the last fourteen years we've enjoyed fifteen seasons of the hit tv show American Idol. From Bush to Obama, Al Qaeda to ISIS, Nickelback to Bruno Mars. It was a post-9/11 world that needed a lift--a distraction from the burden of life. At least 5 different girls you knew just opened her own cupcake shop. Pinterest didn't exist yet. How did we live? How will we live now that Idol is over? Is music dead?

I wanted to write this retrospective as soon as the final episode aired, but I was unprepared. I had to go through Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of loss. I think I'm still stuck in "Denial" though because as Ryan Seacrest signed off for the very last time he dropped a naughty littler teaser: "goodbye...[pregnant pause]...for now. Seacrest out."



This makes me feel like American Idol will come back, albeit in a new form. It's like the furniture store that is "going out of business" to drum up sales even though they have no plans to go out of business. It makes me feel dirty in my guts. Like they took advantage of my naivety and fomo.

Every season for the past 8 years I say "this show is stupid. It's a drawn out show filled with ads and mediocre talents singing music I don't care about. I'm not going to watch it anymore." And I was finally fully committed to not watch anymore until they announced it would be the final season. So...bookends, and all that--I watched. How many other Americans out there are just like me?

My prediction for the New American Idol 2.0: it'll be web-centric and get stars from youtube/vine or maybe even release their own social media platform that you have to get if you want to audition or vote. The old model was stale. Kidz are into webz and appz.

And so here we are now--wow, a week later--with no Idol to watch. Sure, but there's NBC's hit show The Voice, right? No. That show is terrible. It's basically a bromance between Maroon 5 and Blake "The Turtle" Shelton. Just kiss already, you guyz. And Carson Daly, bless his heart, was never quite the same after MTV's TRL. It's depressing to watch him try to pretend like he's not dead inside. What happened to that show with Jessica Simpson's husband, you know, that 98Degrees guy? And all the contestants had to sing without musical accompaniment.

Irregardless, or without respective, let's get retrospective already.

Many Idol winners and runners' ups went on to do great things. Not cure-cancer-great or land-on-Mars/Matt-Damon-great, but have-songs-on-the-radio-great. Heck, Season2 finalist Clay Aiken was almost a US Congressman. And Season5 contestant Katherine McPhee has been in television shows, including a starring role in NBC's terrible show Smash. And she managed to be and stay hot, which is really important--and probably in poor taste to mention because of her public struggles with an eating disorder.

List of winners (unnumbered, ordered by season):
Kelly Clarkson
Ruben Studdard
Fantasia Barrino
Carrie Underwood
Taylor Hicks
Jordan Sparks
David Cook
Kris Allen
Lee DeWyze
Scotty McCreary
Phillip Phillips
Candace Glover
Caleb Johnson
Nick Fradiani
Trent Harmon

Even if you've never watched American Idol, some of those names probably have you like "oh yeah." For instance, country superstar Carrie Underwood. And if you are a superfan and watched every episode some of those names have you like "huh? who?" For instance Caleb Johnson?

Other notables to come out of Idol who have songs on the radio:
Chris Daughtry
Katharine McPhee
Kellie Pickler
Clay Aiken
Jennifer Hudson
David Archuleta
Adam Lambert

Yeah I dunno. All top 10 contestants from the past 14 years are probably still doing music somehow, but in a way like "This weekend at the county fair, American Idol runner up, Jax, opens for Chicago tribute band." Jax (the girl that printed leopard spots on her face) actually has a new song slated for a 2016 release called "I don't like your shoes." Jax is Ke$ha-Lite af.

Then we also had terrible singers on American Idol that got famous for being so bad. Remember William Hung (She Bangs) or the pants-on-the-ground guy?

Okay and so did you know that "American Idol Controversies" has its own Wikipedia page? It's pretty long, too. twss. In fact, I'll just link it here because summarizing is hard.

Was One Direction on American Idol, or did Simon Cowell create them some other way? I'm getting tired of writing about this. My brain would be okay if it never thought about American Idol again. I can't even remember what happened during the long protracted three night finale at this point. Some guest musicians. Past judges popping in. Songs. Ford commercials. A ton of Ford commercials. Ford is the Hulu of cars. They're going to build a huge factory in Mexico. So much for American jobs. #trump. J.Lo continued to be insufferable. Actual quote (paraphrased): "ooooh i'm sooo sad, i'm getting goosies for the last time. waaah"

The state of television is terrible. They should do a new show that's like American Idol, but instead of sing, the contestants solve crimes and the winner gets their own CSI/NCIS/whatever spinoff show.

Every person who eats carbs (less and less these days) or was ever a child (most people) are familiar with the macaroni noodle. From Aunt So-And-So's terrible mayo-drenched cold mac salad to down-home-style-restaurant's giant tray of breadcrumb covered real cheese mac to I'm-sad-and-alone-or-a-child Kraft Mac & Cheese, it's macaroni all the way down. But is macaroni 2turnt? Channel SHFT31 Investigates is on the scene to find out more.

Noodles Vs Pasta: A Primer in Knowing The Difference Between Pasta and Noodles



Most people who speak English use the terms "noodle" and "pasta" interchangeably. But did you know that there is a difference between noodles and pasta? There must be, because it has its own subheading. It's not as easy as differentiating, say, whiskey/bourbon/scotch. Check it out: spaghetti is both a noodle and a pasta. Couscous is a pasta but not a noodle. Ramen is a noodle but not a pasta. Pool noodles are neither pasta nor noodle, despite having noodle in the name.

Is it what they are made of? Sorta, yeah. Many Asian noodles are made from rice instead of grains.

I'm reading several other sites trying to get a solid answer on the actual difference, but it seems like there's no hard fast line. And also no one cares. It doesn't matter.

The Elbow Fruit

Macaroni is also known as elbow pasta because it is shaped like an arm that is bent. A Lego arm. Tube. Thingy. No one has arms that bend like a macaroni. But it is bent. Is it too bent? I've seen some macaronis that are, like, half of a circle. I don't know the math, but that is a lot of bending. I use but too much.



Compared to spaghetti, macaroni is way too turnt. Spaghetti is the button-up straight-laced gentleman of pasta. Handsome, welcome at every party, easy to break in half, and fun to slurp. Spaghetti is the poster-boy for pasta.

Speaking of pasta that likes to party, what about farfalle? That is the pasta shaped like a bow-tie. Here is a pasta dressed to party. It might be more turnt than even macaroni, but probably not since it only goes to classy affairs. It is known to be Justin Timberlake's favorite pasta.



Other pastas less turnt than macaroni include spaghetti's many cousins: thin spaghetti, extra thin spaghetti, angel hair pasta, fettuccine, linguine. So many boring straight noodle pastas.

You're doing it wrong

There are pasta shaped like shells! How nuts is that. They aren't turnt tho. They are beautiful. I want to drizzle them in oil and fill them with cheese.



Do yourself a favor and download a jaypeg of pasta types and print it out and hang it on your dorm room wall. There are so many.

But are any as turnt as macaroni?

Neon Orange Cheez Powder



Kraft Mac & Cheese and its store shelf counter parts are the only macaroni that come pre-packaged with a sack of atomic orange flavor powder. That is pretty turnt. Does a Spongebob shaped pasta count as macaroni? I'm curious. According to the box it's still macaroni, only in a spongebob shape. That is blowing my mind. Is Spongebob the elbow pasta? Spongebob is turntaf.



Ravioli

A pasta pillow filled with cheese or meat. If macaroni is a 1996 Turbo charged Toyota Celica, then ravioli is a U-Haul truck. And inside the truck is not used furniture, but a party. Don't even get me started on tortellini.



What is the most mac & cheese you think you could eat in one sitting? I could probably do a box. That's a half stick of butter though.  That's almost too turnt.

I think mac & cheese should have their own Vine page and it would have Tony Hawk doing sweet tricks before eating some m&c with a big cheesy grin. Or Craig Kilborn could do hilarious commentary on people about to eat m&c.

Today is Fat Tuesday (or "Mardis Gras" en Francais, s'il vous plait) and um, without looking at Wikipedia yet: it's a day when you have to go to New Orleans to get beads for showing your boobs to strangers and spend all day getting black-out-drunk. There are also affiliated parades. And enjoy it while you can because tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and you have to go to church to absolve your sins and get a crucifix drawn on your forehead using the ashes of a burned (?) Bible?

Hmm, I just read Wikipedia and I still don't understand what it really is. So like, you know how each time you go on your diet and you're really gonna do it for real and stick to it this time, but your diet doesn't start until tomorrow so today you're just going to enjoy pizza and chocolate cake for the last time before you never have it again? (It's also #NationalPizzaDay apparently, btw). Well it's like that except it has been distorted beyond just overeating and has become a National Holiday of Sin. Because starting on Wednesday you have to be good for like a month. And that's soooo hard so if you spend today and sin af, then maybe it will be out of your system. And then in 40 days your hangover starts to clear up and it's time to celebrate the death and rebirth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

"Be fruitful and multiply. Like a grown man wearing a furry rabbit costume." -- Genesis 1:28

Let's rewind a little bit. To today. Gluttony and sin. I don't have any data to back this up, but I would wager that the majority of people participating in today's SinFest 2016 (with headliner Creed on the Applebee's mainstage at 6PM), yes a majority of those people have no intention to participate in the second half of this equation. The half where you have to repent and give something up for 40 days for God. Because that represents personal sacrifice and it makes you totally #relatable to Christ. Like "hey Jesus, thanks for dying on the cross to erase the sins of all of mankind. I know what that's like bro. I went 40 days without Starbucks. Well I still went a couple times, but I stuck to a basic black coffee with only a little bit of cream and sugar so it totally doesn't count I still sacrificed, just like you."

How about adding something positive to your life/the world instead of just holding your breath, so to speak, and eliminating something you're just going to go back to? I mean, you're already eating healthy and exercising because of your New Year's resolutions, right? It's only February, don't tell me you've given up already! Oh man, we're never going to make it to April.

So the Lenten season, or "Lent" starts tomorrow and is symbolic of the 40 days Jesus spent wandering the desert resisting the temptations of the devil. And let me tell you, the devil (fully clad in Prada) was on his A-game. You won't find it in modern translations of the Bible, but according to apocryphal texts Jesus was staggering through the desert all parched and famished and the devil was by his side the whole time with a cooler full of Bud Light Strawb-a-Ritas and a basket full of piping hot Arby's Crispy Fish Flatbread sandwiches.

And that's why, for the next 40 days and 40 nights, all of our favorite fast food restaurants have specials on their fish sandwiches. It's also something about not eating meat on Fridays (or at TGIFriday's!) but fish doesn't count as meat I guess. I know some fish who might disagree with that, tho.

This is the real reason for excitement. It's fish sandwich season! I love reviewing these special offerings. In the past I've eaten and reviewed:

• McDonald's Fillet-o-Fish
• Wendy's Premium Cod Fillet
• White Castle's Fish Nibblers, Clam Strips, (Shrimp Nibblers? I don't remember)

Have I eaten Arby's fish sandwich? I don't remember. I feel like I have but I also feel like I haven't. All of these disgusting/delicious meals become a blur in my mind/body after a while. I see the commercials where that tough guy with the deep voice says gross things like "we bring the meat" which I'm pretty sure could get you arrested in certain social situations--and the commercials are for 2 for $5 fish sandwiches and I think, "i should go get that, i haven't had curly fries in like forever."

Are there any other spots blowing up the fish sandwich scene? Hit me up if you want to see a review. (& pls don't say BK, i can't even) Otherwise, Imma keep my eyes open for something tempting. And good luck with all of your Lenten sacrifices!

The geniuses at Burger King have found a new part of the chicken. They are behind the fingers and above the (dinosaur shaped) nuggets. They are the fries of the chicken. And since chicken nuggets are for children and whole meat chicken tenders are too expensive to produce, Burger King has taken these ChickenFries™ and coated them in buffalo flavored powder so that grown men can eat them and still feel like a man.

They are the perfect companion to watching sporting events alone. Drive through the drive thru then don't forget to drive through a carry-out to pick up thirty of their cheapest lite beers. Even though you probably got a Coca-Cola with your large combo meal, you're going to need beer to recreate the sports-bar atmosphere in your one bedroom apartment tonight.

[nervous laughter]

I saw a commercial for these Buffalo ChickenFries™ a while back and immediately knew that sooner or later our stars would cross, fates intertwined, arriving at the one and only pure truth in an infinite embrace of destiny. 

Burger King is classically disgusting unappetizing. I've never been shy about ranking it at the bottom of fast food along with the likes of Subway. Although, if you remember back in October I accidentally ate a Whopper and was surprised by how not-terrible it tasted. I could never bring myself to go back to get the black bun Whopper (#sorrynotsorry). Yet only a quarter of a year later, here I am back at the trough of the BKLounge. I've exceeded my BK quota by 200% and disappointed everyone I've ever known myself.

Remember the Affluenza teen? So there was this kid, Ethan Couch, that stole beer from walmart, popped some Valium and went drunk driving on a restricted license in his dad's Ford pick-up truck. And then, speeding 70 in a 40, wrecked his vehicle into a group of people, thereby killing 4 and injuring 9. He was basically let off the hook for intoxicated vehicular manslaughter because the judge deemed that he didn't know any better. Nobody told him it was bad to do that.

Thus was born the disease Affluenza. When a person is wealthy to the degree that the normal rules of society seem alien they risk contracting the disease. Which is pretty ridiculous because I would wager that most teens in the 1% know not to get plastered and kill people with their car.

So this kid gets probation instead of prison. Maybe a smack on the wrist. But the thing is that he violated his probation and fled with his mother to Mexico. Now he is a fugitive felon. Couch and his mother were apprehended at the end of 2015.

All of that to say this: His mom looks like a ragged Carrot Top and he looks like a ragged McLovin. I saw their picture in the news and it's the first thing I thought and just wanted to say so out loud to someone. That's it.

Check it:


Here's looking forward to the tear-jerking made-for-tv Hallmark Original Movie.

The color (British "colour") company Pantone dictates an official color of the year every year and it is one of the most exciting things that I look forward to in life. For the forthcoming year of 2016 they have decided that we need two colors to be the color of the year. This has so many implications and raises just as many questions.

What is Pantone?

Wikipedia tells me that the price of a cup of coffee is all they need. The USPS frowns upon mailing loose cups of liquids (don't ask me how i know!!! (it's printed in their shipping guidelines)), so I put some fresh coffee grounds (Pantone #7533C) into an envelope to mail to Wikipedia. And if I just scroll down a page and a half past the banner.... ah yes,

TLDR: Pantone is a company known for their proprietary color matching system. It allows designers to achieve predictable results across a variety of media from assorted printering mechanisms.

What is a Color of the Year?

It's basically a marketing thing. Marketers in their smooth doublespeak will throw out buzzterms like "zeitgeist, emotion of the times, captivating, culture" and so on. It doesn't mean anything. Does anything mean anything, though? What is meaning?

Remember 2015's COTY?

We're still living it as I type this. It should be so easy to see. It is everywhere around you. The color is so ingrained into our lives it is the essence of mood in our collective consciousness for the year. Without doing a search say the name of the color of the year of 2015 aloud. You don't even need to say the correct trademarked name, just say the color as best you know how. Ready?

Did you say an orangeish-brown color? Haha, wrong try again! Oh now you remember, it was kinda bluey, right? Maybe blueish-reddish-green-yellow?

You have no idea! Haha! I could do this for hours with you.

They call it "Marsala" (#18-1438) and it looks purpleish on my computer monitor. Maybe more burgundy-maroon. Now I'm looking at pictures of chicken marsala, which oddly enough is more of an orangeish-brown color. And now I'm looking at pictures of Wynton Marsalis and okay let's move on we're getting off track.

Is the Pantone COTY Relevant to Anyone?

Now that you know the color of 2015, can you recall seeing it anywhere? Maybe the pillows at TJMaxx. Or an eyeliner at the makeup counter of your Sears department store. Possibly the color of the underwear on the models of Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which is tonight (assuming I can get this article past the editors in time). Did you know that CBS News has an article on how to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, featuring a 64 photo slideshow?

I want to be dismissive of the COTY, but I can't because I remember a certain scene from The Devil Wears Prada (which I think is basically Star Wars re-written for girls (not that girls can't like starwars or guys cant like devilwearsprada) (and star wars is basically re-written from the bible)). Take a minute-fifty-one and watch that youtube video. I'll wait.

Well. What is the 2016 COTY?

I'm assuming you have internet access if you're reading this. And since the PantoneCOTY is such HUGE news you've probably already read 4 or 5 web e-articles about the two colors that will reshape or lives in the next year. But just to be thorough, those colors (Leet "c010rZ") are Rose Quartz and Serenity.

Rose Quartz is pink. Serenity is blue. These are baby room colors. Is Pantone encouraging or predicting a new baby boom in 2016? Is this tied in with the government defunding of Planned Parenthood?

Sidebar: Conspiracy contradiction: The global elite want to depopulate the world and sanction people in to sections a la Hunger Games districts (see Agenda21 (and extrapolate)) but also want to expand their tax-payer base.

Seriously, Though, Why the Leap to Two Colors?

One color that no one pays attention to was enough. Why did Pantone make the leap to 2 colors that go generally disregarded?


You guys, the balance is inherent. It will bring order and peace. In the form of US drone strikes in sand-countries. Or at least the sense of order/peace.

These colors are also reminiscent of cotton candy. Evoking feelings of sweetness and joy. What is the greatest quantity of cotton candy you think you could eat? Measured by volume, I think I could probably pound down a 55-gallon barrel of the fluffy stuff before my body rejected it or went into shock. I dunno, though, that's a limit I've never tested. I might surprise myself in my ability to consume spun sugar. And you might too. Dare to dream!

Rule 1: When the headline of an article is a question, the answer is no. But bear with me here (or bare with me!). My spider-sense is tingling and I'm trying to read the tea leaves. Something is stirring. Maybe. It could all be nothing.

It is widely known that if one were so inclined to do a web search for nude images, then that person might turn to Microsoft Bing rather than Google for optimal results. Is it because Bing is less scrupulous? I think that may be partially true. True that Bing sees an opportunity to fill a hole that Google has perhaps intentionally left open. Or maybe Google has better filters or algorithms. This isn't the center of my investigation. You can still get plenty of nudity on Google, after all.  The point is that Google is less pro-nudity than Bing--or at least seems to have that reputation.

Google has owned YouTube since 2006. For better or worse. It wouldn't be the awesome powerhouse of Taylor Swift music videos it is today without Google's backing. But remember when you could watch full movies and tv shows on YouTube, or use a popular song in your video, or before advertising?

So anyways The Goog recently introduced a new premium YouTube called YouTube Red. For a mere $9.99/mo you can enjoy streaming music and video without advertisements. And it can also run in the background or while the screen is asleep. But did you know that there is a website for pornography videos called RedTube?

That's a clue: YouTubeRed / RedTube.

And now Google has introduced a user-friendly wireless router for your home. It will do things like QoS and channel-switching without the GeekSquad coming to your house. (Aside: in light of NSA revelations, a fully automated, auto-updating, hidden-abilities consumer device like this is potentially a scary thing). Anyways, they're calling it OnHub. Like it's your hub for all of the things you own that turn on. But, that name is suspiciously close to the name of pornography video website PornHub.

Another clue: OnHub / PornHub

These combined are enough to convince me there might be a secret agenda at hand. Maybe it's just poor decision making from the marketing department. But I don't think so, coming from a company like Google. Everything is carefully planned much in advance.

So what's the big deal? They have a couple services/devices with names that are kind of close to porn site names. Just think about your average end user. Think about the kinds of questions your parents ask you about the computer. And so that's for whom this is going to be a deal over which to be fussed. Add to that sensationalist media who will no doubt run stories about, like, kids trying to stream Justin Bieber who instead are accidentally streaming gay porn (okay, not much of a difference). Think of the children, tho!

And so as these things go on and become exaggerated/exacerbated by terror-filled headlines it will give Google the leverage to do something and handle the problem. Is this what they want? Are they trying to create a problem so that they can solve the problem? And why? What is the end game here? What does Google know about the future of the internet that it doesn't want to tell us about?

I dunno you guys. I'm just spit-balling here and realize it all sounds like conspiracy nonsense. There aren't enough clues to form a solid image and this could just be coincidence. Let me know if you find any more clues or have ideas about what might be going on. Google has so much data, and they act with intent. Something is going on, man! Don't trust anybody, man!